Why Your Team Sucks: Jacksonville Jaguars

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Some people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. Shanoff is your mascot. Dan Shanoff is Deadspin's resident Jaguars fan. Now, Shanoff is my friend, and he's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. But god dammit, is this man easy to make fun of. I mean, even putting aside all the Tebow worship (Fun fact: when alone together, Shanoff always demands that Tim "finish strong"), there's still an embarrassment of riches here:

-He predicted Catwoman would be a box office smash
-He believes Tebow will win a Super Bowl for the drafts him by running a 100% Wildcat offense
-Despite having lived in Brooklyn for years now, he believes the best bagels in the world are produced in Bethesda, MD
-ESPN made him into cartoon Shanoff once. /shiver
-He looks like an East Village bear


Remember, Shanoff is the most notable Jacksonville Jaguars fan on Earth.

2. Jacksonville is responsible for the death of rock music. This is the city that spawned both Creed and Limp Bizkit. Not only are those two bands awful, but AOR radio still maintains a heavy dose of Creed in their daily rotations, as if "Higher" is some sort of timeless masterpiece. I don't understand modern rock radio. Music like this wasn't designed to have a shelf life. It's almost as if they feel like they have nothing else to play. "Well, what the fuck do we play next? Hey, how about a Seven Mary Three song from 12 years ago?"


3. If there one thing worse than Jacksonville, it's everyone bitching about Jacksonville. For real. Read any Simmons column and you'll notice that if Jacksonville pops up, he'll invariably take a swipe at the town for the time they hosted the Super Bowl. That's the incredible thing about people in the media. If they bitch about something, they'll bitch about it forever. Now, let me show you something else Simmons said that REALLY pissed me off…

4. Jacksonville is where wide receivers now go to die, or snort rails. Someone clearly placed a curse on Jimmy Smith's crack pipe, because this team hasn't produced a useful wideout in eons. And now they've given Torry Holt a guaranteed salary of $4 million as some kind of retirement gift. Holt was gassed last year. Virtually every scout says his legs are gone. So expect another year of impotence from the Jacksonville passing game. MJD versus nine in the box? I can't wait!


5. Remember Jaguar fans, your head coach is the guy who left an axe lying in the center of the locker room. It's never a good idea to leave a massive, bladed object lying around a group of very strong and very dumb men. That's just common sense. So when you've got a team led by Jack Del Rio AND Mike Tice, that's not exactly a notable brain trust.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better.