Ladies and gentlemen, presenting live blogger Matt Sussman, taking you through Game 1 of the World Series, after the jump.
It appears that some ruffians took off with Fox's on-the-field studio. You'll have that when your security guard is the old man from Hobgoblins.
Okay, I'm officially done. Every last of forced interest is gone from my auxiliary reservoir. End transmission.
Remember, Eric Gagne: Regardless of the score, it's a save ... if you believe it's a safe. His jersey number is .. 83. All the other numbers were taken by spring non-roster invites, who wouldn't trade their number for anything Gagne owned. His locker is in Storage B. His goggles are actually made of cellophane.
And yes, he ends the game by getting all three batters out. But I will say this. That first inning? Amazing.
For those who stuck with me to the very end, I thank you, but cannot provide you with anything tangible, except my discarded Baked Cheetos bag.
Take us home, LaTroy Hawkins. I know a shortcut.
Pinch hitting for David Ortiz isn't a bad idea. Especially if it's:
Hinske has not been able to repeat his performance he had back in 2002 when he won Rookie of the Year. That's because, as the San Francisco Chronicle learned right before the World Series began, Hinske received several shipments of breakfast Hot Pockets delivered to his house in his name. He claimed to have had only consumed Hot Pockets with advice from a doctor, but the doctor was actually a Hot Pockets box wearing a stethoscope.
Coco Crisp pinch-hits for Ramirez. He's out. That's all the batting for Boston tonight.
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Alex Cora replaces Julio Lugo at short, and McCarver says this may be the only chance Cora gets into a World Series game, because of how good Lugo's been playing. What I pray to God that McCarver is insinuating is that we'll have no more 13-1 games in the series. Yes, kids, my hopes of this series turning around into something interesting hinges upon a prediction by Tim McCarver. My soul shrieks with terror.
Mike Timlin refuses to mess around. The Rockies go down quietly.
Point of order on "God Bless America." If there's foam in our oceans, how do the fish not suffocate?
Oh ... hey, Jeremy Affeldt. Didn't see you there. Beyond a Julio Lugo single to center, exactly nothing interesting happened, save for Joe Buck comparing Beckett's postseason numbers to that of Bob Gibson's and Orel Hershiser's (Bowling Green!) in the playoffs.
Seventh Inning Stretch Video Of The Best Damn
Chinese Asian Marimba Band Ever
Josh Beckett was probably the kind of bully who gave kids swirlies in middle school, but kept their head underwater just a bit too long and kept flushing. That's why he's still out there, striking out folk like Brad Hawpe, taking the anger from his inner neglected quiche complex out on the opposing batters. Preventing a nice, clean, 1-2-3 inning, Tulowitzki's double skitters up the left-field stands, but that's all they had going.
We'll probably see Manny Delcarmen in the next inning.
<self-motivation>Okay, Sussman. Four more innings. Just do some good mop-up work and come back in Game Two, a refreshed human.</self-motivation>
Ortiz flies out to left and breaks his bat. And with Ramirez batting, let's step aside for a moment:
This one is actually infallible, and it's quite sad that I remember it. In 2003, Herges appeared in NBC's remake of "Let's Make A Deal," in which a contestant tried to throw a baseball faster than Herges's non-pitching hand. But to show you I'm only a 99 percent photographic-memorial loser, I don't know who won. But when you have arcane Matt Herges trivia lodged in your memory somehow, no matter how incomplete ... and the lead is 12 ... you share.
Ramirez is out, and the first two batters go down. You'd think that getting the first two batters out would be beneficial, but look at the fifth inning. It's clearly not the case. Tim McCarver's mind is blown, because he thought leadoff home runs were better than back-to-back outs.
Ah, here we are. Herges walks Lowell. How about six more doubles, capped off by seven walks? Or ... a strikeout courtesy of Jason Varitek. Either way.
All right, boys, 1-2-3 innings across the board. S'awl 'ight? "S'awl 'ight."
Oh, don't mind me. Kaz Matsui beats out that hit, and a "rally" begins. They're calling it an error, however. At this point, there's no need to argue the ruling. Holliday grounds into an easy double play for Pedroia and Lugo. Okay, good, that'll hasten my ability to sleep tonight. Helton's single up the middle, conversely, won't. Atkins flies out, drastically reducing the number of paragraphs from last inning (15 ... and one YouTube) to just two.
So now I'm gonna start reading ESPN Conversation to feel better about myself and my opposite predictions coming true. So I bring you, Natumba:
Shut up Buck. Whattya mean it's getting interesting. One on, two out, 3-1 on the batter. We're up five condom head.
Actually, I kinda liked that one. They didn't #-out condom.
Hey, look, new pitcher. Franklin Morales. Julio Lugo reaches base, but then is forced out on Ellsbury's nubber to first. Right before Pedroia grounds out, they bring up the free taco promotion.
Balk on Morales. Everyone gets free cinnamon sticks. ... aw, shitabrick. McCarver makes a similar joke. I'm gonna go cut myself now.
Youkilis doubles to left. Christ, that wall's got so many marks on it from doubles, it might need to check into a women's shelter for the night. Ortiz takes it easy on the wall, and instead cranks a double to the deep, triangular portion of right-center. Youkilis trots home. And Morales is pitching to Manny rather than walking home and bringing up Lowell, proof that playing the Rockies is not the same thing as playing a PlayStation baseball game on Rookie mode, despite all the scoring and all the doubles.
Ramirez bloops one over Tulowitzki's glove, and Ortiz makes it into home.
Chris Myers said that the Rockies faced the Cubs and the Diamondbacks in the postseason. Partial credit! 50 percent. Frowny face sticker. See me after class.
Well, everyone's just a big bowl of wrong tonight, including myself. Lowell gets himself one of those doubles. Put Carl Yastrzemski in there. He'll likely get you two bases tonight.
Fox shows the Massachusetts chapter of "Stomp" again, with the graphic: "RED SOX BULLPEN, AUDITIONING FOR NEW EPISODE OF 'THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND" You know what? For Fox, that's not bad. For Fox.
I didn't see how the bases became loaded, but I'll assume it somehow involved doubles. J.D. Drew grounds to short, and Tulowitzki is no longer the defensive prodigy he was touted in several on-screen graphics. I'm so disillusioned.
Morales gets the hook. I have four more innings to live blog of a 10-1 game. Goody!
Ryan Speier, end this inning. I'm in Ohio and Speier is in Massachusetts, so he didn't hear me, and he walks Lugo. Rotate bases, everyone. McCarver is now deducing that the layoff affected this Rockies pitching staff. Durrrr. Another walk, another run. At this point I'm about as suicidal as whoever's sitting next to Ted Striker on the airplane.
It's now 12-1, which is the score the Mighty Ducks fell to Iceland in the sequel. Which reminds me ... how the fuck did Iceland become a villain in a Disney movie? Did some higher-up have his luggage lost in Reykjavík and took it out on the major plot point of D2?
Another b'loaded walk. Speier gets detention. You know what? I'm just going to sit here, arms folded, until Colorado finds someone in their bullpen capable of recording an out in the bottom of this lineup.
Fox plays the Pointer Sisters' pinball song. A tip of the hat to that. God, I'm desperate enough to post that:
Looky! An out! The fifth is over!
Oh, the fortune! How it reverses! Troy Tulowitzki grounds out to short. Julio Lugo was able to field that ball, so it looks like anyone can be a great defensive shortstop. Next, Torrealba fails at making contact, and Beckett continues the nipple-twisting by striking out Ryan Spi... wow, never mind. Two very close two-strikes pitches are called outside, and Spilborghs walkghs to first.
Now Beckett's falling behind to Taveras. Could this be their two-out rally? Why, of course not. He pops out to Pedroia. I'm starting to feel like Jay from Dogma: "Beautiful, naked, big-titted women don't just fall out of the sky, you know!"
I missed the part of the conversation Fox eavesdropped upon, where umpire Ed Montague wanted to delay the game, but the Red Sox groundskeeper checked his iPhone and the radar looked like it was going to clear up, and they could still play ball.
Pedroia grounds to Tulowitzki, who makes a semi-awesome routine play, getting him out. The crowd reacts by either saying "Youuuuk" or "Tuuuuuuulowitzki." Could go either way. Youkilis impatiently fouls the ball near the tarp, and suddenly that's two out. I have a feeling this game may stay 4-1 for a while.
I think I subconsciously said that in the hopes that somebody else score, because Ortiz lined a ball to left. Much like playing with one's food before he eats it, Manny Ramirez toys around with a full count before doubling to right. Take those celery sticks out of your mouth, Manny. You're not a walrus. But Ortiz struts to third, and Mike Lowell's being intentionally walked. Um, really? Yes, it loads the bases and puts the forceout at any base, but last I checked, Lowell's not hitting so well today. I'd rather face Lowell over Varitek.
The pitching coach comes out to the mound and talk with Francis, likely to change some American dollars into loonies and toonies. Who can blame him? Dollar coins are fun, and the two-dollar coins look like they contain chocolate.
The Red Sox bullpen are brushing up on their percussive talents. I hear they're going to have a drum-off with Buddy Rich between innings.
You knew it all, didn't you, Rockies? Varitek doubles down the line, and two more runs cross.
J.D. Drew enjoys 6-1 leads, so he strikes out.
The rain is getting thicker ... And LEON'S GETTING L-L-L-L-ARGER!
Holliday grounds out, and it looks like Beckett is settling down. Hey, speaking of:
People always ask how Josh Beckett can get his curveball to drop so magnificently. But nobody asks him how he gets his spinach quiche to rise so magically. And this is why, when the cameras shut off and the reporters leave the room, he weeps silently in front of his locker.
Helton yanked a double. What a veteran. He totally deserved to reach second right there. And in the World Series, of all places.
And there's said curveball. Atkins wants a piece of it, and is rejected, striking out. Don't worry. You may have a piece of Beckett's quiche after the game. All you have to do is ask. Brad Hawpe follows suit, striking out for the second time tonight. Helton didn't deserve to be stranded at second, being the veteran that he is.
True or Not True? E*TRADE hired Adam Sandler to yell, "DOWN ... ON ... THE ... FLOOR!"
Varitek whiffs on a 1-2 pitch, bringing us to our weather report from Chris Myers. So let me get this straight. There's a big ass green wall in left field, and it's not used to serve as a backdrop for a Super Woppler Boppler Doppler radar? But in conclusion, it might rain, then it might not. Thanks, Hippy Dippy Weather Man!
J.D. Drew? No, he doesn't reach base. Why would you say such a thing?
Julio Lugo bunts toward third, going under Atkins' bare hand. On the replay, Tim McCarver hammers down the point that bunting for a base hit is a good play if you can run fast. Someone had to hit the nail. Furthermore, bunting for a home run is a good play only if you have the power to do such.
Ellsbury grounds out, and the Red Sox don't score a run in an inning since the sixth inning of Game 7, a streak spanning four days. Impressive.
Ryan Spilborghs watches three high fastballs go by. I don't know what he's waiting for. Ah, to line right to Pedroia. Maybe if I'd stop asking questions out loud, they'd be answered 10 seconds later. Taveras flies to left, and it hangs enough for Manny Ramirez to get to it. Wasn't exactly a basket catch ... more like a colander catch. In fact, I'm picturing Ramirez coming out in the fourth with a colander instead of a mitt. What a free spirit.
Matsui pops to short, and that was fast.
Jerry Seinfeld's in a Hewlett Packard commercial. Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?
We don't know how much longer Jeff Francis will be in here, so we might as well begin today's lesson:
Francis grew up with aspirations to be a physicist, and pursued such a degree while studying at the University of British Columbia. Showing a boatload of promise with his natural curiosity for the world around him, he was ultimately shunned by the scientific community, after he announced his field study hypothesis: to prove that a pitcher can win 17 games with the Colorado Rockies.
Jacoby Ellsbury strikes out, and Pedroia grounds to third. Two quick outs. But Youkilis turns an 0-2 count into a walk. That was in his fortune cookie.
Fox outdoes my Fun Fallible Fact with their investigative work on Jeff Francis trivia. Turns out he likes cheeseburgers. Who'd have guessed?
Ortiz lines right over Tulowitzki's glove, and it rolls to the wall. Coupled with a brief Yakety Sax moment between Holliday and Taveras to field that ball, Youkilis defies his omniscient ability to walk by running all the way from first toward home. There's a throw to the plate... and KY slides in without a problem. Which is exactly why they make KY in the first place.
So Manny Ramirez is purposely walked, and Mike Lowell pops to Matsui. Somewhere, a Fox intern is re-lacquering Zelasko's wig.
So now the Rockies have to start some... nah, strikeouts are more fun. Beckett's fourth straight K comes at the expense of Todd Helton. His fifth straight ... won't happen. Garrett Atkins towers a ball to left, and it bounces off the wall at about an 80 degree angle. Video replay confirms that — that's right, Fox! — the ball bounced back off the wall into Manny's hand. If it don't bounce back ... [mmheeheeheehee] ... YOU GO HUNGRY, BOW BOW BOW!
Brad Hawpe, you're the fifth strikeout! How's it feel? Troy Tulowitzki corks a double off the wall, actually hitting the top of the scoreboard, which is where the Rockies suddenly found themselves on as Atkins crosses home. Yorvit Torrealba splinters the bat, all for a groundout to Julio Lugo. What a shameful way for a piece of lumber to render itself useless.
Carl Yastrzemski announces the Red Sox lineup for the telecast, then show footage of him throwing out the first pitch. And that's in the dirt. Yet I didn't see that ball credited to Willy Taveras's batting count. And ... hey, that's fast. Dustin Pedroia slams the second pitch to the tippy-top of the wall. It bounces back in, but they say it's a home run.
Kevin Youkilis answers with a double to right-center, and hey, maybe this series doesn't go five. David Ortiz attempts a bunt toward third base, and if you ever wondered why Ortiz doesn't just try that every time they pull the shift on him, there's video proof why. So he just grounds to Helton, which does just as much as a bunt. And there's Manny Ramirez, lacing the first pitch into left field. Two! Two runs! Ah Ah Ah.
Francis' on-screen scouting report: "FIRST INNING A PROBLEM." Well, now you tell us. They should have started Herges in the first, then brought in Francis in the second. That woulda done the trick. Mike Lowell flies to right for the second out.
And here comes Jason ... Varitek? Wasn't that the breed of magical robot soldier created in Final Fantasy III? Even if it's not, he singles to left. Kefka laughs in the distance. Following that, J.D. Drew doubles to right, and Manny scores the third run. Because I watched Big Trouble last night on Comedy Central, Josh Beckett is currently in the dugout saying, "If I don't throw something soon, I'm gonna forget how."
Jeff Francis throws a "spike curve" to Julio Lugo, a term Tim McCarver has never heard of, yet just said. Must've come to him in a dream ... oh, the Rockies pitching coach told him about it. Lugo grounds to third, and Atkins just barely throws him out. Two runners left on base. Pssh. How un-clutch.
Josh Beckett is warming up on the mound, and Tim McCarver is giving the scouting report so we're only five commercial breaks away from the first pitch.
Ah, Wily Taveras is in the batter's box, practicing his swing. Only two more Fox promos before first pitch. And Beckett strikes out Taveras staring. Matsui works the count to 3-0, but working a count to 3-0 is like growing a beard. Little action needs to be taken. Still, Beckett battles back, striking out Matsui. Here comes Matt Holliday. He could be the MVP of the... check that, Beckett strikes him out too. The fielders were foolish to ever leave the dugout.
We're In The Booth With Joe And Tim
The Fox production team looks ready to do this. They just got a shipment of smelling salts in case McCarver dozes off.
All right, montage of the Rockies and their stats. Now we're ready to start this ... [cut to commercial] OH COME ON.
John Williams is conducting the orchestra playing The Star Spangled Banner. So you can't write this World Series script, but apparently the accompanying score doesn't write itself either. Oh gaaaaaaaak. Something sounded extremely off key in the opening.
Announcement of the Lineups
The Rockies' silver shoulder stripe closely resembles that of the umpires. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
And Terry Francona is announced. He is never not chewing something. He makes his dentist scrape and floss around the wad.
Ah, the sweet siren sound of Zelasko, And .. Is he there? Is that his hair? Why, yes! The scrappy, wacky, in-your-face Eric Byrnes is at the pre-game booth! I AM SUDDENLY EXPONENTIALLY FILLED WITH CONCENTRATED EXTREME!
Will the layoff affect Colorado? Eric Byrnes has a sheet of paper with numbers that says it won't. Well, I too have a piece of paper filled with numbers that contradicts his numbers. 900 738-2428 ... 900-HOT-TIME ... wait, crap, this is just my little black book. And then Byrnes counterpoints his own point saying the Red Sox will win, so he won't get booed. I still have faith in Boston for them to find a reason to hate Eric Byrnes.
Wait ... Byrnes once played for the Rockies. How did I just come to realizing this?
Perhaps it's for the best that both the Indians and Diamondbacks tanked in the LCS. Due to my soft spot for both of those teams, a Cleveland-Arizona matchup would have transformed me a newborn baby's skull. And we don't want that.
I should probably make a prediction before the thing begins, as is the style at the time. Although we'd all love to see this one go to six or seven games, that hasn't happened for a few years. So I'll have to say somebody sweeps this bad boy. It's absolutely not what I want to see happen, but it appears as lucid as any prediction culled from the miasma of human foresight.
Oh, I have to pick a team? Fine ... Red Sox in four.
So with nothing left to do but picture Jeanie Zelasko completely hairless on her head, let's break down ESPN's featured comment by skysoxfan18:
I think the History Channel (if it were to happen) is going to showcase this year's World Series as part of its coverage, because this will be one of the best World Series to watch. Why? Finally a team from the far West Coast is playing a respected East Coast team.
I'm going to ignore logical advice from Lewis Black, and proceed to break this quote down, despite the very real chance that my vital cranial organs could begin to leak coolant.
I think the History Channel (if it were to happen) is going to showcase this year's World Series as part of its coverage
So ... if it happens, then they'll do it. a = a. Call me a doubting Thomas if you must, but I for one do not believe they'll cover the World Series if they happen to have coverage of the World Series.
Finally a team from the far West Coast is playing a respected East Coast team.
Maybe it's just me, but when I think Far West Coast, I think mountainous Colorado. Hey, I'll give partial credit that Denver is near water, but the only other person to assert Denver's coastal properties is probably Al Gore.