“Robot Stop,” by King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard! From Bentley:

I wanted to make sure you had King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard brought to your attention. First off, their name rules. It’s too ridiculous and not quite ridiculous enough at the same time. They’ve been making… some kind of music down in Australia for 3 years now, pumping out some ridiculous number of albums. The last 4 (Nonagon Infinity, Quarters, Paper Mache Dream Balloon, and I’m In Your Mind Fuzz) are in order balls-to-the-walls rock, 4 songs clocking in at 10:11 each, a relaxed and hippy-esque flower child album, and another balls-to-the-walls psychedelic rock album, and each has its own merits. But enough about them. Listen to this song, “Robot Stop” from Nonagon Infinity. The first lyrics are “LOOSEN UP! TIME TO JUMP! FUCK SHIT UP! DON’T FORGET ABOUT IT! My coffin’s all I see / lately – robot STOP!”


Strong work. I am now indeed loosened up and ready to jump and fuck shit up.

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

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Let’s hear it for Jonathan Chait’s new book…


Also, Doug Gottlieb has been lighting up Twitter lately, clearly auditioning to join the stable of horses’ asses over at FS1.


Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. WHAT ABOUT THE KIDFOLK, SIR? MAYBE THINK ABOUT THEM THE NEXT TIME YOU TALK TWERKIN’. It’s a slippery slope, America. If you let men dance in the end zone, what will they do next? Huh? I’ll tell you what they would do: GANG WAR. It’s so obvious.

Curt Schilling’s Facebook Lock Of The Week: Bears (+9)

Meme by Patty Red
Meme by Patty Red

Schilling 2016 record: 2-3-1

Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

Carson Wentz. You moose-dressing asshole. How do you not score against Washington’s defense? Rutgers could hang 30 on that team. Who said rookie quarterbacks were allowed to be inconsistent? Clearly this young man has let success go to his head. I want him benched.


Also, reader Will hates the Steelers defense right now.

Fuck the Steelers defense. I lost my matchup this week by one point and these fools put up a NEGATIVE FOUR AGAINST THE DOLPHINS. I still don’t know how this is possible. Pittsburgh already had a virtual home game in Miami because this trash Yinzer fanbase is the kudzu of the NFL; an invasive species that takes over any pro football stadium the Steelers happen to play in. On top of all this, they were playing the Miami Dolphins offense, which is as fearsome as a newborn puppy. Jay Ajayi had never had a game in his pro career where he had rushed for over 50 yards. HE RAN FOR 204 YARDS ON SUNDAY. I would’ve been better off just leaving the D/ST slot blank, but leave it to the Steelers to figure out a way to infuriate me even in a humiliating defeat.


I’m with Will. The Steelers belong in jail for that. There are, like, two good fantasy defenses and the rest are slop. It’s annoying.

 Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2016 chopping block:

John Fox*

Jeff Fisher

Mike McCarthy*

Mike McCoy*

Todd Bowles

Marvin Lewis

Hue Jackson

Gus Bradley

Mike Mularkey

Ron Rivera

Chip Kelly

Chuck Pagano*

(*-potential midseason firing)

Prior to the bye, the Colts have to play Tennessee, Kansas City, and Green Bay, in that order. I think 3-6 would be enough to do in Chuck Pagano for good, so let’s keep our fingers crossed. There’s nothing worse than some coach on the brink of getting fired who stages some bullshit, heartwarming win streak to prop up his own corpse until the end of the season. I hate that.


Great Moments In Poop History

Reader Craig sends in this story I call POOPY THE SNOWMAN:

I was attending an all-night church party on New Year’s Eve and we were at a ice rink playing broom hockey. Being a good church kid I didn’t drink alcohol and instead was drinking Sparkling Cider. For some reason I chugged two giant bottles of Martinelli’s cider, then went about the business of playing broom hockey.

After sliding around on the ice for an hour or so, it was time for all of us to pile back into our church vans and drive the hour back down the freeway to our church. I was sitting in the back left corner of the 15-passenger van when the gurgling in my belly told me that something was very, very wrong. I told the guy next to me that I was pretty sure I was about to poop my pants and we immediately began begging the driver to pull over to a gas station. The guy refused, assuming that we were just being idiots - the kind who chug giant bottles of sparkling cider.

As an act of desperation, I opened the windows on the back doors and prepared to drop trou ... my buddy immediately shut that idea down, pointing out that the poop would just shoot back into the vehicle. At this point, everyone in the seats near me began to move forward to get away from whatever noises and smells were emitting from my body.

Eventually, the driver realized something serious was happening and pulled over on the side of Interstate-5 north of Seattle. I penguin walked out of the van, looked around and sat down on the guardrail like it was a toilet. As I was unloading this watery mess I looked up to see 13 faces pressed up against the windows watching me. That moment of glory didn’t go over too well with the ladies.

As I was attempting to finish, another van suddenly pulled up and shined its lights on me - they assumed we had broken down, so they pulled over to help. We waved them away as quickly as we could, leaving me in whatever peace you can find on the side of a 10-lane, major freeway on New Year’s Eve.

Eventually I finished and started looking around for some leaves, or paper or whatever to wipe with. My buddy got out of the van and said he had an idea. So as I sat on that guardrail I watched him pack a snowball and hand it to me.

I held it with two fingers and wiped away, eventually giving it a distinct brown circle. After pitching that snowball onto I-5, I climbed back into the van and we hustled back to the church where I recommenced pooping my brains out.

So remember kids, don’t eat brown snow. Or chug bottles of sparkling cider.

Noted and noted.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

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Japanese rice crackers! So crunchy! So lovingly coated in salt varnish! I have a modest proposal, and that is we swap the pretzels in every bag of snack mix with rice crackers instead. We all know those pretzels are there to act as needless filler, and that pretzels are bullshit. So why not put in these little fuckers instead? Surely the cost of production would remain level, and I wouldn’t have to ferret out every stupid Rold Gold from my bag of Munchies. Everyone wins. 

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

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COBRA! Not King Cobra, but standard Cobra. Reader Andrew explains:

I submit to you COBRA beer, which I had last week at an Indian restaurant in Geneva called Bollywood. You’d think a beer named after either the most fearsome of snakes or G.I. Joe’s archenemy would be aggressive, but sadly, it’s anything but. This stuff had about as much bite as a bottle of Aquafina. I demand that Cobra beer be forced to change its name to something more fitting, like Garter Snake or Earthworm. Look, even the label says that it’s “impossibly smooth.” Fine, that’s great, but they why did you call it Cobra?! That’s some really weird marketing.


In general, I like a light beer with any spicy Indian food, so really this beer is more like the cobra antidote, while my chicken biryani represents the actual serpent. THINK ABOUT IT.

Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week! 

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“You can drink your own breast milk. It’s not bad for you. Say you got a funnel. Lotta funnels lying around. Okay, so you take the funnel, and then you get some surgical tubing. Again, lot of that around, used or otherwise. You jimmy that tube onto the funnel, and now you got yourself a breast pump. Good, strong pump. Much sturdier and more effective than the baby store ones. Then you suck. Takes a while. I like standing near the Peoria microwave plant to help loosen up the valves. But once it gets going, you got milky gold. You can drink it, churn it, even sell it. I just say mine is from ‘Jimmia’ if anyone asks about the source. They don’t know any better. Still good milk.”


Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

E.T. My kids didn’t wanna watch this, but the second Elliott screamed PENIS BREATH at his brother, they became fully invested. When kids hear a swear word dropped in a movie or in a song, their eyes LIGHT UP. They’re kinda shocked, but also kinda excited, too. I shouldn’t enjoy their reaction to profanity as much as I do.


Gratuitous Miller’s Crossing Quote

“You think that I’m some guinea, fresh off the boat, and you can kick me! But I’m too big for that now. I’m sick a’ takin the scrap from you, Leo. I’m sick a’ of marching into this goddamn office to kiss your Irish ass! And I’M SICK A’ THE HIGH HAT!”


Enjoy the games, everyone.