The Commentist Manifesto

As we go through some minor changes to the comment system around here — we swear, the avatars aren't always going to be that big; the tech folks are working on it and might have already fixed it — we thought it prudent to lay out the ground rules around here.

You see, we are incredibly proud to have the best group of commenters on this here Internets, and we have never quite understood what we did to deserve them. But nevertheless, here they are, and we want to make sure that space below our panting inanities continues to be pretty much funnier than anything else we read every day.

Therefore, we decided to solicit three of our most respected — well, perhaps "respected" is the wrong word — commenters to put together "The Commentist Manifesto" for us, a series of guidelines, advisories and regulations so that you, too, can play the game the right way, which is to say, 110 percent, one game at a time.

Your spiritual guides through this wilderness are noted commenters Unsilent Majority, Captain Caveman and Big Daddy Drew. Come with us, to a land of enchantment ... after the jump. And feel free to add your own advice in, well, in the comments.

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Congratulations! You're a Deadspin commenter! That means you either: (a) have a sports blog, (b) worked with Will Leitch at The Black Table, or (c) took scandalous photos of your threesome with someone who has once visited Mattoon, Ill. Whichever it was, good work, and enjoy eventually losing your job!

The landscape of Deadspin commenting has changed since the early days. A couple seasons ago, Will could have posted a YouTube video of Barbaro, Barry Bonds, Fred Smoot and Johnny Weir doing coke-and-steroids speedballs and engaging in illicit sex, and it might have gotten 20 comments. These days you have to wake up early if you want to be in the first 20 comments in the "About Last Night..." post.

But change is good; Will and the Denton media "empire" (snicker) welcome new voices to the fray. Unfortunately, there are some perfectly nice, albeit unwitting, people out there who don't realize that there is an unwritten code of Deadspin commenting, and they break the code on a regular basis. Well, guess what? We're writing the unwritten code down, bitches. And this credo was ordered straight from Big Willie Style himself, which means that we're right, and if you disagree, you're wrong.

Let's be honest, though. There is nothing in the world more annoying than some dipshit moderator making rules for what you can and can't say online. It's like being chastised by the fucking IT guy. And that guy eats his own snot. This is the motherfuckin' Internet! The Wild West and shit! You should be able to make all the furburger comments you want! Drew does!

But the main reason Deadspin is the greatest site in the history of everything ever stems from the unspoken agreement between all commenters to be as thoroughly entertaining as humanly possible. Thousands of unemployed alcoholics and subpar college students read this site every day. You don't want to let them down by starting some dipshit flame war, do you? Do you?!

Of course not. That's why the rules for being a Deadspin commenter are fairly simple. First, be funny. Second, do not not be funny. Third, don't be a fucking idiot. What's that entail? Why not consult this handy list of Ten Comment...uh...ments?

1. Thou shalt not make the same comment that three others have already made because thou art too lazy to read the thread. If thou art on Deadspin, thou hast the time to read the thread.

2. Thou shalt not comment about fucking the new "steaming hole" after cutting off another commenter's head.

3. Thou shalt treat thy commenting ability like the privilege it is, and not as a forum for thy stream-of-consciousness (unless thou art Unsilent Majority).

4. Thou shalt not personally attack people not named Tsetsefly.

5. Thou shalt make references creative. Sometimes Anchorman quotes work ... many more times not so much.

6. Thou shalt not comment a million times in one thread (again, unless thou art Unsilent).

7. Thou shalt not repeat thyself multiple times in order to garner attention.

8. Thou shalt not comment without saying anything interesting (Think before thou type, then don't type it, then come back in a couple minutes when thou hast a solid poop joke to add).

9. Thou shalt not drone on about the site's advertisements more than five days after they initially appear. We get it. The fucking rat is drowning. The pig mask is creepy. Let it go.

10. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Editor Will in vain.

In general, don't make the people who are dying for a comment invite read your comments and say, "I can't believe that douchebag has commenting privileges; I'm way funnier." Are you entertaining your fellow Deadspin readers, or are you just trying to provoke a response? That's all it really boils down to. Fail to follow these guidelines, and you'll have to face Holley Mangold in the Oklahoma drill.

Anyway, that's it. Now that you're all straightened out, go out there and "rage, rage against the dying of the light."

In other words, back to the dick jokes.