What's it like to make love to a drunken stranger in an outdoor waste box? Some readers have an answer.
I am a redneck Nascar fan, and as such went to the Bristol, TN spring race last March. They have sprawling campgrounds all around the track for fellow redneck racing fans to get hammered off of natty ice and sing karaoke together... I was in one of the campgrounds two nights before the race when I woke up to the muffled sounds of sloppy drunk banging. I put some clothes on and got out of my tent to further explore, and to my delight (horror) I saw a group of about 15 people surrounding a lone port-a-john and two people absolutely going nuts in there.
The whole ordeal lasted about 15 minutes or so, and the two port-a-john screwers walked out to raucous applause. We even got a bow from the dude…
(PSA- actually, the woman was not that bad looking, especially after a case of natty)
I would never ever do such a thing, but my wife was an attorney in the Marine Corps, and she had several clients who got busted for banging in port-a-johns in Iraq or Kuwait (they were court martialed if they were married or if one was a superior officer). It was pretty common in that theater, especially during the initial build-up/invasion in 2003 - not sure if it still is. I'll have to ask my wife if her stories are covered by attorney-client privilege. The port-a-potty sex was prevalent enough that people who participated were called "blue boots." My wife would also like to mention that her clients always got acquitted of such charges.
It wasn't me that fucked in a port o potty but my dear friend John and his ex Maggie. This wasn't your run of the mill shitter either. This was 3rd of July middle of summer hot and the location was the Taste of Chicago. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the Taste but it is a 3 week long obese gorge fest where all people do is eat, drink and take smelly shits. Roughly 2 million people attend the taste on July 3rd alone, so based on my math, I have deduced that 600 deuces were dropped in that port o potty. He laid down his boxers, sat on them and she rode him while he covered his face with his shirt. All the while we stood outside cheering. But alas his boner couldn't make it past the smell.
As a college Sophomore I traveled to Panama City Beach for spring break, as college kids from Midwestern schools are want to do. One of the kids on our trip was a sexually charged Junior, DJ. He was renowned for the non-discriminatory manner in which he pursued women.
This particular night DJ was, like the rest of us, hammered and horny. We went to the happy hour spot, Sharkey's. PCB has several giant outdoor/indoor clubs with multiple bars, designed to pack as many retarded drunk college kids in as possible. Because of the massive amounts of students, the bathrooms cannot handle the workload. To make up for this they have an area outside that is filled with port-a-potties wall to wall so kids cannot sneak in from outside.
This night, it had been raining and the outside tolilet area was a mess. While we were drinking and urging women to flash us, DJ takes a shinning to a girl who was also staying in our hotel. I don't know what her actual name was but DJ ended up just calling her Chevron.
Toward the end of the evening I ventured to the horrible muddy outdoor bathrooms. While finding my throne of choice DJ appeared out of one of the restrooms with Chevron in tow. I immediately assumed I was imagining things as I had been drinking for 12 hours straight. I later found DJ and asked him if what I saw was true. He confirmed that indeed they had snuck into the port-a-potty to carry on their tryst.
This man got his dick sucked in some of the most foul port-a-johns I had ever seen. The smell alone turns my stomach just thinking about it. For some reason, the group did not find this hard to believe and instead focused on one detail: "So, were you taking a shit?"
Alas, no blumpkin was had but Chevron was seen later in the night with muddy knees. At least I think it was mud.
A few years back, my friend Max and I got free tickets to a country music festival out in the desert. We proceeded to get wasted on cheap beer and grass in the hot desert sun. As the day transitioned into night we switched from beer to liquor. Max and I were pounding tequila in a race to see who could black out first. Max won and decided to take a nap in the middle of the field that the festival was taking place in. After about an hour he woke up and a Mexican woman about 15 years his senior starts dancing with him from behind. It doesn't take long for Lupe's hands to find Max's pockets and it's pretty clear that she wants to take their new relationship to the next level. Max and his new woman leave for about an hour and a half and when he returns he's got a shit-eating grin on his face. Max then told us how they were going to have sex in the handicapped port-a-potty, but it was occupied, so they were forced into a regular one. Since his woman was of the hefty variety, sex was off the table, but that didn't stop Max from getting head inside a dirty port-a-potty at the end of a three day country music festival.
I went to a bachelor party in Dallas three years ago that coincided with the Red River Rivalry between Texas and Oklahoma. My buddy is a Texas season ticket holder and he and another friend had great seats. I did not have a ticket and wasn't trying to pay a shitload to scalp some. So I went with them to the game and bought my ticket to the Texas State fair so I could just go and enjoy the scene and get a corndog. I spent the first half drinking beer with another friend and watching the game at the AT&T booth.
At half-time, My friends were going to come out of the Cotton Bowl and get a beer with us cheapskates. We waited on the steps outside, while thousands of fans poured out to find drinks, food and bathrooms. The first two are everywhere, the third, not-so-much. Port-o-potty's are dropped at various points around the stadium and I needed one after the light beer and corndogs. So as soon as my friends came out we all headed for the shitters. I was moving quicker than everyone else so I got there first, however an OU fan happened to get there at the same time. OU fan was probably 35 but had a tiny maroon tanktop and an even smaller jean skirt. Being a gentleman, I offered first crack to the chick with enormous fake tits and blonde hair. She gave me a smile and promptly pulled me in with her. She then pulled up he skirt ... and sat down to piss. Luckily, the john had one of those side urinals, so I went ahead and whipped it out. She took a hold of it and started working it with her hand. Luckily I had a good buzz so the nastiness of the surroundings did not distract me. I reached down and popped her titties out and rubbed those bastards while finishing right into the side urinal.
I then packed up my shit and got the fuck out of there, no goodbyes or thank you's. My friends were back on the step waiting for me with a beer and some free tickets a guy had given them. Got to see the second half from inside, and it ended up being 45-35 Texas. Hook em'.
Anyone buying that one? Me neither.
Several years ago I was at a fairly large Oktoberfest celebration in a rural west coast town. As is the case with most of these sorts of things, they had an area with about 25-30 blue honeybuckets set up. Pretty standard loose formation of lines where no one is really waiting for a specific port-a-potty, but just kind of take whatever opens up. I was waiting in line with a couple buddies and watched a guy go into an empty one and forgot to lock the door. Most of the people waiting saw it and knew it was taken, but a few seconds later I see a pretty hot girl heading towards the occupied, but unlocked, facility. Thinking we are about to witness her walk in on a guy with his dick in his hand, I notify my friends of the impending embarrassment. Then she opens the door, steps in, and it locks behind her! I don't quite understand the physics of how two people (both wearing jeans) manage to get freaky in a filthy 2x2 square, but I do know that is the only explanation for what just happened. I start telling every stranger in the vicinity of what I just saw(partly because I'm drunk, but mostly because I'm a giant dick who wasn't getting laid enough at the time). Several minutes later, the door opens and the dude walks out and as soon as the door re-locks behind him the crowd erupts into a cheers and starts giving the guy high fives. The girl stays in a little bit longer, probably hoping that the drunk crowd that is about to relentlessly heckle her will forget what just happened. It doesn't work. She comes out to 50 drunken assholes clapping and yelling and whistling at her, turns bright red, and slinks off with her head down. I ran into the guy a little later in line for beer and he was still looking for the girl(apparently his girlfriend) and hadn't seen her since she came out of the honeybucket.