I knew there would be a lot of shitty hot takes in the wake of yesterday's titanic Super Bowl. But I didn't know that the worst take of all would come from THIS VERY WEBSITE, from the otherwise perfectly reasonable Barry Petchesky. Barry is a Giants fan, so maybe his brain has been wadded up with municipal pothole filling and discarded Oreo wafers from Eli Manning's lunch box. It's the only possible reason for this abomination from my co-worker:

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Tom Brady's not the greatest quarterback of all time, not even after winning his fourth Super bowl and third Super Bowl MVP, so cool it with that talk.

Yeah, guys! Tom Brady is so clearly NOT the best of all time, so don't go spinnin' your wheels when EVERYONE CLEARLY KNOWS that nothing he did yesterday—namely helping the Patriots overcome a 10-point deficit with virtually no help from his running game against a historically-loaded defense—changes anything. EVERYONE KNOWS he's not even in the conversation here. OBVIOUSLY.

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And then there's Barry's next sentence.

But he's quite probably the most successful.

Oh, he's not the greatest. He's just accomplished more than any other quarterback ever has or perhaps ever will. TOTALLY UNRELATED SPECIMENS.

But wait! It gets crazier. I started yelling at Barry about this in our company chatroom, and somehow his take on Brady metamorphosed into something even dumber. WITNESS!

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Who wouldn't take Montana, or Manning, or even Elway or Marino or Steve Young or Aaron Rodgers over Brady?

You see this? Not only is Brady not the best quarterback of all time, but he's CLEARLY INFERIOR to six other dudes. NO ONE DENIES THIS. He's seventh at best! You know what? That's probably being charitable. Bump him down the 16th just to stay safe.

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Barry pressed on:

How are you going to defend Brady, at any point in his career, being a better QB than those guys?

Okay, should we do that now? Let's do that now.

  • Two MVP awards
  • Twelve division titles
  • Three Super Bowl MVP awards
  • Most Super Bowl appearances by any quarterback in history
  • Longest span between Super Bowl victories by any quarterback
  • Tied for most SB wins in history
  • 21-8 lifetime playoff record
  • Fifth all-time in passing TDs
  • Third all-time in game-winning drives
  • Has made the playoffs every full year as a starter (CORRECTION: except 2002)
  • Most time putting up with dipshit Boston fans who still call into WEEI to bitch about trading away Bledsoe
  • OMG SUCH DREAMY EYES

Brady has done all this despite the fact that—apart from the 2007 season—the Patriots have been notoriously skimpy when it comes to importing talented wide receivers. Also: apart from Corey Dillon's brief tenure, they have regularly deployed the dreaded RBBC. Brady's never had a Marshawn Lynch or a Terrell Davis. If you'd like to argue that playoff success is a crapshoot and shouldn't be heavily factored into a raging hot quarterback debate (I believe postseason results matter), then it's still worth noting that, alongside Manning, no other quarterback
has consistently put his team in the position to win a title every year better than Brady has. Brady has had his playoff failures (his first interception last night was particularly horrible … there wasn't a soul near Jeremy Lane), but every last great quarterback Barry mentions has also had lackluster moments. It happens. You won't get out of the NFL without being embarrassed now and again, but Brady has thrived despite some of those setbacks.

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This is all very obvious shit to normal people like you and me. But my colleague is not normal. In fact, today has revealed the depths of his psychosis …

Brady is the ultimate system QB … Arguing Tom Brady is the best QB of all time is like arguing Derek Jeter is the greatest shortstop of all time.

(throws vase into the fireplace)

I just … I don't even LIKE the Patriots, but I feel compelled to defend Brady against this lunacy. It's the same exact shit that Joe Montana was derided for back when he was the greatest quarterback of all time. This standard, bullshit argument completely elides the notion that a quarterback and a system are forever intertwined in a mutually beneficial relationship. The system helps the quarterback, and the quarterback helps the system. Christ, I can't believe I'm defending Tom Brady here. I'm gonna be sick.

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And his best teams always, always have (Barry inserts emoji here denoting strength) defenses

Oh, and Montana didn't? Jesus Christ.

You know what? Fuck it. I may as well go all the way here. In my lifetime, the best I ever saw someone play quarterback when Kurt Warner was at his peak (2000, and again in 2008), and when Joe Montana was winning Super Bowls. Aesthetically, Brady is nearly identical to Montana: same build, same comportment, same supernatural calm in the pocket, same dopey blank look when you try to hold a conversation with them. But Brady has done the same shit for longer now, and with greater consistency. He's the best quarterback I've ever seen. Not that Boston fans deserve him, but that's beside the point. He's the best, and if he's not the best, well then he sure as fuck belongs in the conversation.

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Everyone tell Barry he's wrong. If you bring up Matt Cassel, you are annoying.

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