Some people are fans of the Oakland Raiders. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Oakland Raiders. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Oakland Raiders
Your 2013 record: 4-12. In the past 11 years, the Raiders have had five or fewer wins nine times. If you offered any Raiders fan a magic pill that made it so that Hue Jackson and Carson Palmer had never left, they would take that pill and then chop it up, snort half of it, and sell the other half in the parking lot for a street value of seven dollars.
Your coach: Dennis Allen. Here's an actual headline: "Dennis Allen not too concerned with Raiders pass defense deficiencies." O RLY? Why not, guy who's going to be fired four months from now?
"I think when last year we were kind of in a little bit of the same boat… it takes a little while to get that part of your defense down. It's really not a concern of mine."
Nor should it be, given that the Raiders pass defense was great last year LOL JK THEY WERE FUCKING HORRIFIC. Guys, they were 28th in the league only because teams passed a lot on Oakland when they were up big! Don't you get it? Not a concern.
Your quarterback: Matt Schaub. Jesus, really? That's who you grabbed off the scrap heap? I hope the Raiders have a grief counselor standing 20 yards behind Schaub for every snap. Here's Schaub, looking like you two months after your girlfriend dumped you.
WHY, CINDY?! WHY? Anyway, the Raiders have spent most of this offseason trying to convince everyone that Matt Schaub didn't die in a molasses factory explosion last season. Here's Schaub praising the Raiders for giving him more control of the offense, because you need the guy who threw a pick six in four straight games to be your de facto OC. Here's linebacker Antonio Smith praising Schaub for his mojo, which must be the saddest mojo in history. And here's Allen saying Schaub is as good as Peyton Manning and somehow keeping a straight face while doing so:
We have a quarterback now that's on par with the quarterbacks in this division.
I bet Dennis Allen is drunk, like, all the time. Apparently, nothing about an imploding 4-12 team concerns him at all, not even the fact that the Raiders still suffer from Rich Gannon Syndrome and will bring in any washed-up QB in hopes that he sees the Raiders logo and magically turns into Football Blackbeard. No one here can admit that they work on the NFL's version of Shutter Island. It's like they all hypnotized themselves before stepping foot in Oakland. By the end of the season, the trance will break and Schaub will be over in the corner of the locker, scrawling out JFK assassination theories in his own feces.
For the inevitable moment in Week 4 when Schaub throws five picks and someone in the crowd launches a Molotov cocktail at him, the Raiders drafted Derek Carr in the second round. I have a soft spot in my heart for Carr because his baby went through the same life-threatening surgery that mine did (both children survived and are now healthy). So I'm rooting for him and I wish him nothing but the best. All that said, we're talking about David Carr's brother here. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I am probably the Oakland Raiders. Derek Carr is gonna BLOW. It's only the preseason and he's already gotten concussed. All in the family.
What's new that sucks: Oh, you mean apart from the owner standing out on the curb and flashing his titties at any potential relocation spot that drives by? Mark Davis has already publicly batted his eyes at San Antonio and Los Angeles. Promise him a steak dinner and he'll probably move the team to Branson. The Raiders' lease at o.co Penitentiary ends after this season, and they've already balked at joining the Niners in Santa Clara to be the Jets to their Giants, which means this season probably marks the end of the Oakland Raiders as you know them. There will be a few extra parking lot stabbings this fall, just for old time's sake. And for their farewell tour, the Raiders went out and really Raiders'ed up the joint, snatching up every possible 2008 All Pro they could. Here's Justin Tuck! And half of Maurice Jones-Drew! And Lamarr Woodley! And Carlos Rogers (Skins version, not Niners version)! Pills will be administered at 430pm sharp. Dinner's a 5. Bingo at 6.