FUCK Santonio Holmes.


No one in Arizona gave a shit about the Cards until Kurt Warner and Fitz magically carried the team to the Super Bowl in 2009. Before that, everyone in Phoenix was either a Cowboys fan, Bears fan, or a fan of some other Midwestern hell-hole since everyone here is from somewhere over there anyway.

Why the fuck do the Cards keep putting USC quarterbacks in the damn lineup?


This is the metropolitan area Richie Incognito picked to reside in.


Phoenix sports are the worst. Just look around at a game for any of the teams. People only go to the game to see their beloved <Insert east coast or midwest team>. Seriously I hear "let's go Yankees-Red Sox-Timberwolves-'6ers-Steelers-Bears" more than the home team. Games against the Buccaneers a couple of years ago were at least 70/30 – THE BUCCANEERS! We had more fans of theirs at our game then they have in their home stadium. It was a better home game for them! I'm sure most teams in the midwest celebrate when they see us on their schedule, "WE GET A BONUS GAME WHERE THE CROWD LOVES US!"



I fucking hate cheering for this team as much as I hate living in Phoenix – a city mocked by Bobby Hill of all (fictional) people.


The Cardinals are a good fit for this cesspool, though – it's a team as devoid of character and identify as the sprawling, beige, suburbs it calls home. They're not talented enough to be great, not crappy enough to hate, just constantly hanging in aggressive mediocrity. Some years they're better than others, but only once in a lifetime will they rise above being barely-memorable, and seeing as they already made the Super Bowl in my lifetime I may as well die now and spare myself the annual hope that this is their year (it's not).

They play in one of the nicest stadiums in the NFL and have one of the worst home field advantages in football. Their season ticket base is nothing but a bunch of assholes who sell their tickets to visiting fans every week. Each game you're guaranteed at least half the stadium is decked out in the other team's colors, and if the Cowboys, Niners, Rams, or Bears are in town the opposing fans outnumber Cardinals fans. Even most of the fans wearing Cardinals jerseys are just doing so until their "home" team comes to play, at which point they'll be waving their Terrible Towel or teetering beneath a foam Cheesehead that week before lending their tepid enthusiasm to the Cardinals the next week.

The Cardinals sold the naming rights of their stadium to University of Phoenix, because if there's one thing that gets you fired up for some football it's seeing the name of a failing corporation that's been downsizing for six years and has laid off thousands of workers in the Phoenix area, while graduating people swimming in student loan debt who can't get a decent job because no one takes their diploma mill degree seriously.

We wasted a draft pick on Virginia Tech QB Logan Thomas, who couldn't hit the broadside of a barn even if he were inside the goddamn barn.



Arizona is the cuckold fanbase. If you are ever wondering who we are playing just look in the crowd at all the road team jerseys. Even Leitch would agree. Ugh.



I've learned to accept the fact that they are pretty much the Jan Brady of NFL teams.



Bruce Arians looks like Piggy from Lord of the Flies.


They'll still find some way to shoot their wad down their own leg at some point and fuck it all up.



Does anyone actually hate the Arizona Cardinals? There may not be a worse feeling as a fan than proclaiming yourselves "bitter rivals" with a team that could care less about your existence. In the Sun Devil Stadium Cardinal days of the 1990s, Arizona Cardinals fans called the Cowboys their rivals while playing in the NFC East. The Cowboys may have literally had 10 other teams they considered bigger rivals than the Cardinals at the time. Making matters worse, the Cardinals lost 13 straight games to their "rivals" between 1990 and 1997.

Flash-forward to the past decade of air-conditioned games in the inconveniently located dump of a city they call Glendale, and history is repeating itself with the Cardinals. Take a poll of Cardinal fans today and you'll find that our rival now is the 49ers. Once again, the hate isn't reciprocated as we aren't even on 49ers fans radars, who are more concerned with the Seattle Seahawks or Oakland Raiders. Oh yeah, the Cardinals are currently 1-9 in the last 5 years against their "rivals."



The Cardinals first preseason game ticket featured John Abraham, who still hasn't shown up to camp! He will probably get suspended for the first 4 games due to his second DUI too. Great guy to put on a ticket.



The worst thing about the Cardinals isn't their history of being awful, but how anonymously and unimpressively awful they've always been. Remember that Jets game where Greg McElroy was named the player of the game after passing for 29 yards? The biggest stories out of that game were A) How terrible Mark Sanchez is, B) Where's Tebow, and C) Jets guy not saying Jets thing at Jets games anymore. What this is missing is that an actual NFL team started Ryan Lindley in an actual, sanctioned, professional football game. Bringing in Tim Tebow is a fun and exciting way to suck, starting the second best player from an alright San Diego State team, not so much.

I quite literally never saw a home game on TV until I moved to another state.

I don't understand how a team could double their win total from the previous season, finishing with 10 wins in a historically great division and still look like shit.

I own a Neil Rackers jersey because I am a contemptible human being.

PS. I just made the mistake of looking up Ryan Lindley and Greg McElroy on Google. McElroy recently announced his retirement and Lindley is still on the fucking Cardinals roster with an incredible 0:7 touchdown to interception ratio.



Good thing we built this stadium so we can battle with Miami and Dallas for the Super Bowl for the next 20 years, it will be the most competitive football related thing this state can produce.


AFC South: Titans | Jaguars | Texans | Colts


NFC South: Falcons | Buccaneers | Panthers | Saints


AFC West: Chargers | Chiefs | Raiders | Broncos


NFC West: Rams |Cardinals | 49ers | Seahawks


AFC North: Steelers | Bengals | Browns | Ravens


Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up (today): THE NINERS.