They are the most boring team this side of Jacksonville. The shitty, third string quarterback from LSU that already has a bum knee gets sucker punched by some redneck Alabama fan (ROLL TIDE) at a bar called Losers. The perfect bar for any Tennessee Titans player to be hanging out at.

The starting quarterback is always hurt, and when he does play, he's great at bounce passing the football to his receivers.

The new owner sucks and makes me wish ole Bud Adams was still alive to give this team the two finger salute it deserves. They will probably go 8-8 or 7-9, draft in the middle of the pack next year and draft another offensive lineman or some shit like that. Hopefully the next one hasn't been arrested before.





Because our new owner weighs 400lbs [Editor's note: He's right! Looks like someone ate Roger Ailes] and our QB will be done for the year by week 3.



Bud died and left his son-in-law Tommy in charge. I don't know anything about Tommy except that instead of firing Mike Munchak, he offered him an extension and raise all in exchange for firing some assistants. Of course, Munchak said no and was therefore fired, making Mike Munchak the Ned Stark of head coaches, honorable but ultimately doomed.

No one even believes anymore that Locker is making it through 5 games, much less 16. When he's on the field, even he doesn't know where the ball is going. I'm waiting for our receivers to file a class-action lawsuit over getting blown up by the guy. I now understand why Kenny Britt liked to get high so much.

In addition, our third-string QB might need counseling now that he's being harassed by every Alabama fan that cobbled together enough cash for a Greyhound bus to Nashville. And of course he'd get suckerpunched at a place called "Losers."

But hey, at least we'll have free WiFi at the games this year so no one in the stands will be watching the team suck anyway.



There is currently debate underway whether a 6th-round pick not named Tom Brady is the quarterback of our future. That's pretty neat.





Upon hearing that he has to go up against J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney twice a year for the next few years, Jake Locker's shoulder preemptively broke and he's out 4-6 weeks.



Last year we cut Matt Hasselbeck (who signed with a division rival) and signed Ryan Fitzpatrick. This year, we cut Fitz (who went to the Texans) and signed Charlie Whitehurst. It's as if we are actively seeking to have the worst backup QB in the league. Prediction: Whitehurst will be a Jaguar after this season. The Titans, on the other hand, will sign Curtis Painter.

Last year we signed a washed up running back (Shonn Greene). This year we signed Dexter McCluster.

Last year we fortified our O-line with Chance Warmack and Andy Levitre. This year we signed Michael Oher. He is statistically the worst tackle in the league, if I remember correctly.

Our offensive strategy seems to be to throw as much money as possible at the offensive line, and then plug in an over the hill workhorse running back and a warm body at quarterback and see if together they can somehow move the chains.

Our defense is simply terrible. There is nothing else to say about them. They will account for 3 turnovers all season.

This year is going to be a complete waste of time. We have absolutely ZERO chance of making the playoffs, because no matter how bad the rest of our division is, we always manage to play down to our competition.

My prediction for this season is that Jake Locker gets a season/career ending injury around week 6. I honestly think the Titans have a legitimate shot at the number 1 draft pick next year. I have wasted enough time on this email, although sadly I will waste even more time and continue to watch the Titans play this season.



Fuck Jake Locker's bipolar ankles.

AFC South: Titans | Jaguars | Texans | Colts


NFC South: Falcons | Buccaneers | Panthers | Saints


AFC West: Chargers | Chiefs | Raiders | Broncos


NFC West: Rams |Cardinals | 49ers | Seahawks


AFC North: Steelers | Bengals | Browns | Ravens


Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: Jacksonville Jaguars.