Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: Tonight's commentator: Tashina Richardson. (Coming next week: The Tuesday Night Fights series finale.)
“Houston is the Detroit of Texas,” a friend said Sunday night.
Until the age of 9, I grew up in Texas City, Texas, a suburb of sorts between Houston and Galveston (if Houston is Detroit, Texas City is Flint). I had the pleasure of living mere blocks away from the Gulf of Mexico, which was covered in tar balls, dead birds, used condoms and radioactive sea creatures. And that was the tourist-y part!
The Houston area is inundated with refineries, and in my completely non-professional opinion, everyone’s heads are half-brain, half-petroleum. All anyone does is drink beer and talk shit, which inevitably leads to idiotic fights wherein bros tuck their pants into their work boots and set about removing each other’s clothing.
Maybe you’re thinking, “isn’t that what all bros do?” Well, yes, but Houston bros have even LESS to live for than regular bros. All they have are a shitty refinery jobs, common-law wives and enough money to buy a twelver of Budweiser every night in order to drink away the desire to put a shotgun in the mouth and pull the trigger. They might also have kids, but that’s what happens when the only thing to do at 13 years old if you can’t afford Texans tickets is stick your dick in some girl in a mall bathroom.
ALSO I COULD HAVE A WHOLE RANT ABOUT THE HOUSTON TEXANS BECAUSE C’MON IT’S LIKE YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY WITH THAT NAME PLUS I THINK IT’S WEIRD THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH BOB McNAIR LOOKS LIKE MALCOLM McDOWELL LIKE HAS ANYONE SEEN THEM IN THE SAME PLACE BECAUSE McDOWELL IS A GOOD ACTOR AND THIS COULD BE SOME KIND OF WEIRD LONG CON THAT WE WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE WE’RE AMERICAN (Bob McNair actually being Malcolm McDowell would also explain that insufferable name choice) BUT NOW I’M OFF TOPIC SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS FIGHT
The fight itself here is not very interesting, so it’s nice to know these bros have embraced mediocrity in all aspects of their life. But there are some highlights, so let’s get into it.
0:08 – After a few swings (and mostly misses), one bro stops and asks, “why you keep kicking me in the balls?” Other dude explains that he’s aiming for the legs. I’m glad they’re talking through this. Let’s just hope they have a safe word. The cameraman (or some asshole choosing to scream right into the mic of the camera) disregards this gentlemanly conduct with “KICK THAT N***A’S BALLS!” Fair enough. This is not talkin’ time. This is BALL KICKIN’ TIME. (Please note that “n***a” is said repeatedly in the video, and I will continue to type the word as such because I am an extremely white person.)
0:14 – Some pasty motherfucker Truffle Shuffles his way into the background of the fight while mumbling the infamous chorus of Master P’s “Make ‘Em Say Uhh.” Pasty dude almost has his belly wiggle in sync with his “na na na na”s. So close, pasty dude. Maybe you’ll get it in the next fight.
0:23 – It is at this point that I notice some dude in a Cowboys shirt (I think?) waving around what looks to be a fake leg. I freeze the video. I blow up the image. I cannot tell what the shirt is, nor what the hell is in his hand. It’s bothering the shit out of me. I feel sad about my life because I’ve just spent 5 minutes trying to understand some dude in the background of a Houston bro fight video. I assume I’ve got nowhere else to go but up at the point, right?
0:35 – A guy mutters “FINISH HIM” right before one bro does the most ineffectual leg sweep I’ve seen and IT WORKS. Other bro goes down. Looks like Mortal Kombat guy is clairvoyant.
0:40 – “GET THIS N***A SOME CRAWFISH!” is about as good as it gets, y’all. I want the cameraman to hang out with me at all times so that when I do something, he can yell that at me. I did the laundry. “GET THIS N***A SOME CRAWFISH!” I paid my electric bill. “GET THIS N***A SOME CRAWFISH!” I sorta nudged my foot at some bro’s leg and it made him fall over. “GET THIS N***A SOME CRAWFISH!” But I’m really into crawfish, so maybe it’s just me?
0:50 – One bro takes another bro’s shirt off while the cameraman shouts, “LAY HIS ASS DOWN!” I’m fully aware of the homoerotic context here, but I’m afraid that thought process is going to ruin my crawfish fantasy… and now I’ve just said “crawfish fantasy” so it’s already ruined.
1:02 – Cameraman says “SPIT ON THAT N***A AGAIN” although I’ve seen no spit. This is after the cameraman has said “GET SOME,” so it’s pretty clear that the video ends when it does because this fight is gonna turn into a giant Houston bro orgy. Just a bunch of dudes with crawfish and fake legs, letting that one guy Truffle Shuffle on their faces.
You’d consider a weird street bro orgy too if you had to live there all the time.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• White-on-White Violence Enterlude:
• RED BANK RIOT YO!!! (Start of Violence, instantly)
• Denver, on a Saturday. (SoV, 0:04)
• Kiribati is a wee lil island located in the South Pacific between Hawaii and Australia. Some call it Christmas Island. There are at least two high schools on it. They're called Moroni and SLHS. This fight pits a student from one against a student from another, thus bringing Kiribati into the TNF fold for the first and last time ever. (SoV, instantly)
• T-t-t-t-t-t-tamilnadu. That's where aggression, these ladies threw. (SoV, 0:18)
• The "Outstanding commentary by camera guy, dude in white SUV close lining (sic) chick in turquoise top, followed by him getting his windows bashed out, and subsequently jumping the curb trying to run down the combatants, Niagara Falls is such a shit hole" Viewers Submission:
• For those of us with Bridezillas fixations, it's been rough, the whole series finale-ing this Friday and all. Yet this Russian wedding-brawl, complete with throat-slashing overtures right off the bat, offers hope that nuptial madness is here to stay. (SoV, 0:03)
• Poor young lady gets caught between her man and multiple assailants in Korea. (SoV, 0:17)
• Per uploader Grind Killaz, "This was after we we're done hanging out at the local bar in Silverlake, California when some knuckle heads decided to get into a brawl. At times there was so many people fighting I couldn;t decide which fight to film, lol. Sorry...." No apology necessary, GK. Woot. (SoV, 0:06)
• Bienvenidos a Korogocho. (SoV, 0:05)
• The Last Copy of GTA5 Walmart Brawl Intermission Report:
• They are the YOUTH! GONE! WILD!!! (SoV, 0:25)
• The whimsical "Fight! Fight! Fight!" (SoV, oh, who knows)
• These tourists are apparently fighting over the best spots to take photos in front of a big rock. (SoV, 0:08)
• The Chair Fight In School Live Look-In (h/t Tobi):
• ค่าโดยสารเจ้าดี, Bangkok. (SoV, 0:30)
• She done keyed his car up. Que lastima. (SoV, instantly)
• Shazam tells me that the song that leads into this battle at what appears to be a car wash is "Bad Kids" by Lady Gaga. #themoreyouknow (SoV, 0:19)
• GoGoGalBrawl leads into life lessons about enabling drunken drivers #onetogrowon:
• From America's birthplace, a fight that you will not be able to unsee, primarily because of the nudity therein. You've been warned (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage I: I think I found a N. Philly lady who could drop De La Hoya (SoV, 1:04). Bonus Coverage II: Philly KO, yo (SoV, instantly).
• Never stop being you, "✩ Real Russian Street Fight(ers) ✩." (SoV, instantly) *this one kinda felt familiar, but whatever. It's boss.
• Recollections On Boston's Inherent Douchebaggery:
• Where in the world is Mr. Kung Fu? (SoV, instantly)
• A Train chatter, non-own-business-minding-mufuahs. (SoV, all talk)
• One Irish vs. Three English in NYC. Who ya got? (SoV, 0:24)
• Pepperspray and Pregnancy-Involved Heroism:
• Others: "STREET FIGHT KICKING KO : Old man thinks hes tough til he meets young animal." "Epic street fight council bluffs." "Russian Street Fight." "GAJO DRUNK mexer com driver errado apanhou UP!! STREET FIGHT!" "drunk women in the street fight it's funny and action."
• The Blood Of Good Friends Shed Coda: