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A List Of Demands Peyton Manning Should Make On His Free Agency Tour

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Shouldn't Peyton Manning extend his free agent tour for as long as possible, so that he can get all the free dinners and comped fancy hotel rooms he can?


He should. After all, he will never again have this kind of free agent frenzy surrounding him. If I were Peyton, I would make a list of outrageous demands for all potential suitors. I would definitely want the best room in the city's best "We have to fuck in this hotel" hotel. You know the kind of swank hotel I mean. You walk in, and immediately all you want to do is find someone to have sex with on the balcony. He should demand that, PLUS the full Bourdain tour of the city's finest hipster eateries. Any team that takes him to the Capital Grille and calls it a day gets nixed off the list.

I would also demand that the team fund its own Super PAC to place ads on local TV begging me to arrive. And the ads would have to have real production values. None of this stock footage crap. I would know if I saw a Corbis watermark anywhere. And I would demand that the Broncos cut Tim Tebow NOW. Just to prove that they loved me. I bet John Elway would do it. I bet John Elway would do anything to rid himself of Tebow once and for all. I'd also demand Black Keys tickets.


I can't believe Peyton is turning down a chance to be wined and dined by the Dolphins. I know he lives there, but still. They could put him up at the Delano, surround him with cigars and pussy, and show him a real nice time. And then he would have the satisfaction of turning them down and watching the growing look of horror and disappointment on their faces when it happens. I'd also tour Cleveland, just to get people's hopes up and be a real dick.

One other note: If Peyton really does go to the Broncos: AHAHAHAHAHA.


Mike Shanahan is gonna ruin RGIII, isn't he? Fuck.


One thing about this RGIII trade: There are people here in DC who are reasoning that the Redskins really only gave up TWO first round picks to get Griffin, which is the single most annoying thing ever ("We swapped picks! The #6 overall we gave up totally doesn't count!"). You gave up three first round picks. If you have only given up two, then you would have had two first round picks this year. You see how that works, you fuckheads? Stop trying to convince the world that you didn't get fleeced, because you did. And now Shanahan is gonna make him study film of John Beck and the poor guy will be ruined within two years. They can't even afford a wideout now that the NFL took away all their cap room (which was complete bullshit, by the way. You have to be a galactic fuckup to get people to sympathize with Dan Snyder on anything).



Is there any greater proof that the government hates us and is conspiring against our happiness than Daylight Savings Time coming into play in the sleep schedule of a 9 month old? Really, how the fuck do you explain to an infant why he's going to bed at a different time than his circadian rhythm would suggest because the goddamn clock has changed? I guess I could always just take 60 days to move his tiny infant sleep clock back a minute a day, but that seems like a huge hassle. And I don't know about you, but my kid's sleep clock varies by like 15 minutes anyway, so you kind of have to go all in. And meeting half way doesn't work either. Screw you George Vernon Hudson.


It's horrible because kids don't understand why they have to go to bed in the middle of broad daylight. They're like, "Hey! The sun is still out! And there are people walking dogs outside!" And you have to be like SHUT UP. IT'S ALWAYS NIGHT WHEN YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT. It's a complete disaster.

And the worst part of it is that it has ruined my enjoyment of daylight savings. I mean, that springtime clock change used to be the greatest thing in my life. It meant that winter was essentially over, and it signaled the beginning of Outdoor Drinking Season, which is the most important season of all. Once daylight savings happens, you start seeing people hanging out on bar patios after work with the sun out, and you can smell charcoal grills being heated up in random places, and all that. Not to mention the whole "women wearing spring outfits" phenomenon that has been covered by everyone already. Daylight savings used to be AWESOME. And now? Now, it's just GUHHHHHHH. It takes a nightly ritual that I needed months to perfect and RUINS IT. Now I have to start all over with these kids, convincing them to come upstairs early for the bath, and shooing them back up the stairs any time they try and come down and interrupt me while I'm watching "Chopped." THEY ARE RUINING THE HARMONY OF MY DISH.



A friend just had a kid and named him Gunnar.

Another friend of mine and I often laugh and mock awful baby names, and we almost always agree. On this one, however, he says Gunnar is legit.


Gunnar is abso-fucking-lutely a Teen Mom-era, dipshit baby name, right?

Oh, I dunno. What do you think, Gunnar Nelson?

Also, beware all -en names. Jayden. Jalen. Braden. Baylen. Caylen. VanGalen. All bad.



When I was in college, I had an internship in NYC one summer and I commuted from Manhattan to Brooklyn on the subway.

One afternoon, I was riding the subway, minding my own business when a dude sidled on up to me and said in a thick, but not identifiable accent, "It's hot".

It was hot, so I replied "Yep, it sure is."

He then moved really close and whispered at me "It's nice..." and brushed up against me. I had no idea what to say, so I just kept trying not to look homophobic, or, worse, RAYCESS as he was black and I was one of a very few white dudes in the subway car. I tried to awkwardly turn to him so that only my side was facing him, in case he got handsy.

He wasn't deterred by my silence. He kept repeating "It's hot, It's nice." Until we got to the next stop, which was not my stop. In fact, I had no idea what stop it was, but I got off anyway. Much to my dismay, the creepy perv followed me off the train. At that point, I just flat out told him that I didn't know what he was after but I didn't want any part of it and I walked to the street to wait for him to leave.

A few weeks later, at a train station in Philly, a dude in the bathroom asked if I had change for a phone call. I did, and I gave him a quarter. He then asked if I wanted to go get a drink with him and watch "the game". I must give off the wrong signals. Especially when I'm around trains.


I was at a traffic light the other day with my kid in the back when a homeless guy walked across the street, and I royally fucked up because I looked at him and then we established eye contact, which is always death. So then he starts walking up to my car and I start freaking out. OMG HE'S COMING THIS WAY! And then he starts knocking on my driver's side window, which caused me to have a nervous breakdown. OMG HE TOUCHED THE CAR! HE'S ATTACKING ME! I had to turn right and there was a sign that said NO TURN ON RED (Honestly, fuck those signs), but I was desperate to get out of the situation, so I was like FUCK IT and I stomped on the gas and made the turn. I couldn't endure him threatening to break into the car and eat my kid one second longer. And so then I had to explain to my kid why I broke the law and why you should avoid dirty hobos.

HER: Do we know that man?

ME: No.

HER: But why did he knock on the window?

ME: Because he's a filthy swine, that's why!

So yeah, any time a wino or a frotteur suddenly interferes in your personal space, it's unnerving. It stays with you for a long time.



Boo for tracking down DadBoner. Boo!

If this unmasking affects the Twitter feed, I'm going to start mailing you boxes of feces.


That's tough but fair. Also, I should tell you now that Darren Rovell's Twitter feed is actually an elaborate art project conducted by Neil Hamburger.


My wife and I are expecting our first child in June. We have decided to not find out the child's gender ahead of time. EVERYONE we talk to about the baby is borderline furious with this plan. Who is right? I say our baby our decision. You?


Yeah, fuck those people. What do they care? It's really not even that interesting of a mystery anyway. It's a boy or a girl. Those are the only two options. It's not gonna be a nighthawk or something like that. If you want to keep it a mystery, I say go for it.

I think people like to know the sex because then it allows them to immediately unload their parental experiences upon you. "Oh, you're having a boy? Well, we have two boys, and lemme tell you about what boys do!" And then they just yap for-fucking-ever. People always want to use your kids as an excuse to talk about their own. I know I do. Anytime someone tells me they're having a kid, I ask the same questions everyone else does. When is it due? Are you finding out the sex? ARE YOU SURE IT'S YOURS?! We're a naturally nosy species. There's nothing to be done about it.


My wife and I didn't find out the gender for our first child, because we were all about OOOH SURPRISES AND SPONTANEOUS MOMENTS and all that shit. By the time we were having a second, my wife wanted no part of that. She was like, "We're finding out. I'm not putting this baby in a bunch of orange crap." Because when you don't know the gender, you get gender neutral clothes, like orange and yellow and stuff. By the time that second baby is in the oven, you've had your fill of spontaneity. You just wanna know what shit you're gonna have to buy, and what old stuff you can schlep to the nearest Goodwill box.


If the Incredible Hulk or Spider-Man lifted weights at the gym every day, would they get stronger?


No, because the weights would be insufficient. How can Hulk get stronger if he can only put eight plates on either side of the leg press machine? It's a real problem.



Do you think there is a sincere chance that we will ever see another legit holiday invented and observed in our lifetimes? I'm 30, and I don't think so. I guess the question really is, what shit could possibly go down in order for the US to declare a holiday that we would have to cancel school, close banks and post offices, and shut down the stock market for? In order for it to happen it would have to be the death of someone like Superman or the end of our war against the machines…right? If it's not a legit holiday like Independence Day, what about a made up holiday like Valentines Day? Most of us are forced to observe this bullshit, commercial day of shame/lame, only because card companies, jewelers, and malls make us. Is the American population really dumb enough to fall for and celebrate another fake holiday?


The one major holiday that was invented in my lifetime was Martin Luther King Day, which was first observed back in 1986. Before 1986, there were no long weekends in January, which must have been the shittiest thing ever (I can't remember because I was too busy eating my own ball sweat). Anyway, since then, the only major national holiday that I've seen conceived and passed into law is Patriot Day, which is the official name for 9/11. This is extremely confusing because there's already a "Patriots' Day," which is the day of the Boston Marathon. I wish they had just named Patriot Day "9/11" Day and been done with it.

Anyway, you probably already know that you do not get 9/11 off from work, which is really unfair and is a clear sign that the terrorists won. If even 9/11 can't inspire a day off, I'm not sure what else could possibly inspire lawmakers to add another long weekend to the calendar. As it stands now, this is what we have:

• Labor Day (Sep)
• Columbus Day (Oct, usually only observed in the Northeast)
• Veterans Day (Nov)
• Thanksgiving (Nov)
• Christmas (Dec)
• New Year's (Jan)
• King Day (Jan)
• President's Day (Feb, still officially known as "Washington's Birthday" in certain states)
• Easter (March/April)
• Memorial Day (May)
• 4th of July (July)


Obviously, this calendar doesn't account for bullshit holidays like Valentine's Day or Mother's Day, which don't get you off of work or close your school. And while we'd all like to have the day after the Super Bowl finally recognized as a national holiday, I doubt the government will ever come through. The two big dead spots on the calendar are June and August. Both of those months need a long weekend, particularly August, which is horrible. So when we finally defeat Skynet and can properly observe Judgment Day, I think it'll be slotted sometime around the second Monday of August. At the very least, I have to think that August will one day receive its own corporate holiday that will allow candy manufacturers to wrap Snickers minis in some different kind of colored foil. I also think Apple will one day create its own annual hard date for new products, so every August 13th is iPad 5 day or something like that. Trust me: People out there have plans for August. Apple, Hershey, the cyborgs... everyone.


I actually had this discussion with my ex-girlfriend from a year ago. Twice when we had sex, my dog came into my room and started licking her genitals. Once, while she was on top, he also got part of my shaft. I immediately stopped and kicked the dog out.

But another time, the dog snuck into my room again (I somehow don't have a working doorknob and try to keep my door closed with a paper shredder. Don't ask) and while she was going down on me, he licked her a-hole for, I don't know, 30-60 seconds (I'm just assuming). What weirded me out was that she didn't stop. I actually had no idea it went that far until she mentioned it afterward, and she didn't think it was that big of a deal. I told her that it technically counts as an act of bestiality, but she disagreed, claiming that she was still having sex with a human being. So, what's your take? Was my ex a bestial-loving freak or not?


Hey look, it's the heat of the moment. If someone throws a dog or a midget or an elderly couple into the mix, sometimes you just roll with the punches, you know? I think you should stand proud for having a Devil Dog Threesome. How many people out there can claim that, besides Daulerio? Not many. Also, if that girl didn't flinch when a dog licked her butt, I have to think she'd be cool lots of other stuff. No way a girl like that gets mad when dishes are left unwashed.


I'm a relatively young dentist (33). To supplement my income I cover an urgent care dental clinic some nights. A few minutes ago a normal looking 25 year old woman walked in with a tooth ache. When I went to do my exam, I noticed this on the inside of her lip...


Can you imagine the agony of getting a tattoo on the inside of your lip? And who in the world is ever going to see this thing besides a dentist or hygienist? And why do you want them to fuck off so bad? People make odd life choices.


It's also not a terribly legible tattoo. For example, if you're at a bar and the bouncer is giving you grief and you want to give him a real piece of your mind, it's not gonna help you to pull your lip down and hope he can read THAT in the middle of a dark room. I think this person lacked the true conviction needed to tattoo FUCK OFF across her forehead, or somewhere else where the message could be more easily communicated.

By the way, if you're wondering where the most painful place to get tattooed is (besides your genitals), there's a list here. Only your privates and your spine rank as more painful than your lips. Remind me only to get a tattoo on the base of my heel.



I have a couple of female friends whose apartment I'll occasionally visit to watch a movie, hang out, etc. Am I correct in assuming that the millisecond I close the door and leave, they're talking about me? Whatever they're saying's probably perfectly innocuous, but they HAVE to be talking about something stupid or funny or ridiculous or lame I said or did, right? Just because they're women and that's what women do?


Absolutely. Next time, put a bug in the lamp when you're over there and see what kind of audio you end up getting. When I die, I expect to be presented with a full case of audio files of conversations about me that were held behind my back. There's gonna be a lot of people talking about how bad my farts smell.


From Scottsdale, AZ…aggressive.


I honked!


This blew my mind. How often have snipers had their guns trained on me and I never knew? I assumed there were when I went to see the President speak, but at a sporting event? I'm not sure I can even feel safe again. There could be a sniper sitting outside my office building right now. Waiting.


I went to a wedding once at a hotel, and the hotel had a rooftop bar that was situated directly across from the White House. And I could SEE the snipers walking around on the White House roof. I think if you've ever walked on the National Mall, or been to a gala sports event, or hung out around a parade for a head of state, you've been in the crosshairs. I wonder if a sniper has ever stopped on me for a moment and been like, "Well, he looks like a goofy asshole. And he ruined DadBoner. I can't see why anyone would miss him." If I were a sniper, I'd just go right down the line in the crowd: KILL, NO KILL, KILL, KILL, KILL, NO KILL, KILL, SHOOT BUT DON'T KILL, KILL...



I was looking at porn one night and spotted a young woman named jasmine sporting a Chad Henne jersey. That has to be the most pathetic jersey choice in porn history right?


You obviously never watched Nikki Dial in "San Francisco Sixty-Niner," in which she gets anally fisted while rocking a Steve Bono jersey.

There's nowhere near enough porn featuring officially licensed NFL merchandise. Usually, that cheerleader getting reamed in the team showers is sporting a generic team cheerleading uniform, which just ruins it, you know? Feels so cheap.



Recently, my friend (who is named Brandon and is a junior in high school) made out with an 8th grader while at a retreat. Our friend circle deemed this inappropriate, and we have bestowed upon him the nickname "Brandusky." Is this okay?


So he's seventeen and she's fourteen? I think that's legal. Is that legal? I don't know what the law entails if the cradle robber is under 18 himself. In Alabama, that kind of setup usually leads to marriage within a year (ZING!!!).

Anyway, I think you're right to tease your friend for hooking up with an eighth grader, because that's just not done at the high school level. Once you hit high school, only LOOZERS hang out with the middle school crowd. Sounds like your friend is a BABY, who likes hanging out with BABIES and pooping his pants with other babies! He may as well have tattooed HARD UP across his forehead (or inside his lip if he likes).



A hungry Green-Bellied Huntsman Spider is hungry, and waiting for a kill. But a pack of tiny Jumping Jack Ants have a paralyzing sting that allows them to take on this deadly spider.

Good to know that some ants can jump.

/will never sleep again



Last August I went over to Scotland to play golf, and on my last day there I played at Royal Troon. There are actually two courses at Troon, and when you play there you get a round at the Old Course and then a complimentary round at the lesser-known Portland course. After lunch I headed out to play the Portland course by myself, since the other 3 people in my morning group were only interested in playing the Old Course.

I got about 3 holes into the round and started to feel stomach pains, also known as the "I just wolfed down an incredibly bad meal and lots of soda and will have to shit soon" stomach pains. Most of the courses over there don't have bathrooms on the course since they were built so long ago, so I was starting to worry. By time I got to the 5th hole I was literally on the farthest part of the property away from the clubhouse, and realized there was no way I was going to be able to walk all the way back there before I shit my pants. Not only did the clubhouse look like it was about 10 miles away on the horizon, but the time it would take to walk there is twice as long when you can only take half steps because you are squeezing the cheeks together.

So by the 7th hole, I am at the stage where it's either take a shit here somewhere, or it's going in my pants. There's no trees so that's out of the question. I briefly thought it would be funny to shit in a bunker and either leave it there or cover it up like a cat in a litter box. But I see that there is a trash can next to one of the tee boxes so I take the lid off and sit on it like a toilet. Right as I'm finishing I look to my right just as the commuter train comes by less than 100 yards from where I'm shitting.

After I get done, I tie my sweater upside down behind me to do the walk of shame back to the clubhouse to clean up. Wearing a sweater like this is code for "I just shit myself". As I'm walking past the starter's box he asks where I'm going and I tell him that I need to go use the restroom in the clubhouse. He says, "Well you know, there's a bathroom on the course out there by the 4th hole." The course was so hilly and I was so preoccupied with having to shit that I never saw it.


I feel like Troon would be a great Urban Dictionary term. "I spread his asscheeks and there was troon dripping all over it!"

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