Vote 2020 graphic
Everything you need to know about and expect during
the most important election of our lifetimes
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

A Vision Appeared In My Mirror This Morning

Illustration for article titled A Vision Appeared In My Mirror This Morning

After I woke up today for my first round at the helm of Deadspin, I had a rather precarious confrontation in my bathroom mirror. Normally this is a bad sign of how the day will go, especially since the Bowling Green Falcon normally haunts me only during football season and after select basketball games. But perhaps this was a positive omen. My live-in stenographer — I knew I hired one for a reason — happened to be in line for the bathroom at the time, heard the commotion, and captured this:


"Well, well, if isn't one of the miserable tools Deadspin got to fill in for on the weekends."

Oh great, another Falcon-related hallucination. I'm only supposed to have these things at night.


"Shut up. Look at yourself. Do you really think you have a goddamn chance at keeping Deadspin readable on the weekends?"

Well, I — er, I think so, and —

"God, look at you. You're disgusting. When's the last time you cleaned this bathroom?"

I, uh, let's see ... The BCS still used strength-of-schedule ...

"Aw, gross, man! You're a fuckin' slob. You know that? You're gonna crash and burn on your first week. Everyone's gonna laugh at you."


That's not — no! It won't — why are you haunting me and —

"Because you suck, that's why. You and your little Kissing Suzy Kolber boys all disgust me."


Hey, what did I — wait, Kissing Suzy Kolber?

"Yeah, don't you write for them?"

Um, no. My blog's The Futon Report.

"Wait ... you're not Unsilent Majority?"

No ... I'm Matt Sussman. And I think the KSK guys are fairly impressive in my book.


"Oh, shit! Wow, this is embarrassing. Wait ... you're the Bowling Green guy! Hey, I like your stuff. Oh man, my face is red."

Orange, actually.

"See? You know your basic color wheel. You'll do fine. Okay. Where's Unsilent Majority today?"


Honestly, no clue.

"[Sigh] I'll check every deli on the East coast." [poof]

Share This Story

Get our newsletter