A Vision Appeared In My Mirror This Morning

After I woke up today for my first round at the helm of Deadspin, I had a rather precarious confrontation in my bathroom mirror. Normally this is a bad sign of how the day will go, especially since the Bowling Green Falcon normally haunts me only during football season and after select basketball games. But perhaps this was a positive omen. My live-in stenographer — I knew I hired one for a reason — happened to be in line for the bathroom at the time, heard the commotion, and captured this:

"Well, well, if isn't one of the miserable tools Deadspin got to fill in for on the weekends."

Oh great, another Falcon-related hallucination. I'm only supposed to have these things at night.

"Shut up. Look at yourself. Do you really think you have a goddamn chance at keeping Deadspin readable on the weekends?"

Well, I — er, I think so, and —

"God, look at you. You're disgusting. When's the last time you cleaned this bathroom?"

I, uh, let's see ... The BCS still used strength-of-schedule ...

"Aw, gross, man! You're a fuckin' slob. You know that? You're gonna crash and burn on your first week. Everyone's gonna laugh at you."

That's not — no! It won't — why are you haunting me and —

"Because you suck, that's why. You and your little Kissing Suzy Kolber boys all disgust me."

Hey, what did I — wait, Kissing Suzy Kolber?

"Yeah, don't you write for them?"

Um, no. My blog's The Futon Report.

"Wait ... you're not Unsilent Majority?"

No ... I'm Matt Sussman. And I think the KSK guys are fairly impressive in my book.

"Oh, shit! Wow, this is embarrassing. Wait ... you're the Bowling Green guy! Hey, I like your stuff. Oh man, my face is red."

Orange, actually.

"See? You know your basic color wheel. You'll do fine. Okay. Where's Unsilent Majority today?"

Honestly, no clue.

"[Sigh] I'll check every deli on the East coast." [poof]