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Analyzing Irvin's Explanation, Matlock Style

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All right, so we know we've harped on this quite a bit already, but we don't want to be all flippant and blog-like on you here: We have to delve into this Michael Irvin business a little bit more. You see, we want to dig down deep into Mr. Irvin's explanation of why there was a pipe in his car, examine it from the inside-out, Baseball Prospectus-style. It appears that Irvin's "explanation" for the pipe, because it was delivered "cracked with emotion," is being accepted as reasonable, not just by ESPN brass, but by most people. We do not know the man. But we have to wonder. We have to analyze. We are journalists, lo!

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So, let us go through the facts, Irvin's explanation, and, let's say ... a skeptic's view of the situation.

What We Know: Irvin was pulled over for speeding. In his car, police found a pipe. Irvin was arrested in 2000 for possession of crack cocaine. That was, yes, five years ago.
What Irvin Says (Tearfully): The pipe belonged to a friend he invited over for Thanksgiving dinner. Irvin knew about the pipe and put it in a place where his children could not find it.
What A Skeptic Might, You Know, Hesitantly Point Out: Unfortunately, the place Irvin chose as the correct one to put the pipe where his children couldn't find it happened to be the exact one the police could. Sadly, there was nowhere in his 10,000 square-foot mansion that the pipe could have adequately been hidden. Therefore, Irvin says it made sense to take it out of the house, put it in his car, forget to throw it away and then speed. And get caught.

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Hey, we're just saying, OK?

If Irvin is lying, he's the same guy he always was, nice suit, Hall of Fame nomination and cozy seat next to Chris Berman aside. And if he's telling the truth? Well, if he's telling the truth, then Michael Irvin is a goddamned moron.

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Help us out here, commenters: Are we crazy? Is Irvin really getting a pass here? Please let us know. Because we're kind of not understanding this.

Michael Irvin's Curious Company [Deadspin]

(Update: Irvin has since addressed some of the questions, somewhat dubiously, somewhat believably. We'll be addressing those tomorrow.)

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