drewmagary Page 39 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Daylight Savings Should Be Made Permanent
You know what was awesome? Yesterday. Yesterday was the first Daylight Savings day of the year, and the first Daylight Savings day of the year always feels like someone released you from a Siberian prison. The sun shone gold upon the melting snow. Children frolicked out on the street. Neighbors...
Moron <i>USA Today</i> Columnist Thinks The Cardinals Poop Vanilla Sprinkles
You know, we usually wait until October here to dump on the Cardinals and have the entire city of St. Louis send us polite death threats. But Bob Nightengale … oh, Bob Nightengale … you forced my hand early, you abominable fucking hack. I guarantee, right now, that there won't be a worse piece of ...
Watch This Pastor Use The Force To Wipe Out His Congregation
I'm not a particularly devout fellow, but if being a pastor means you can acquire the power to knock out entire swaths of your congregation via telekinesis, I gotta get my ass to church more often. I had no idea the power of the Holy Ghost was a literal superpower. This is like Chronicle if it has...
Deadcast: Is Ernie Banks’ Body Being Hidden In Washington, D.C.?
Since Chicago Cubs legend Ernie Banks died over a month ago, his surviving family members have been engaged in a blood feud with Banks's former mistress over both Banks's remaining assets (rumored to be valued at a mere $16,000) and his remains, the location of which are at present unknown. Even th...
Why Your Children’s Video Game Sucks: <i>Minecraft </i>
The Game: Minecraft...
Things That Are The Worst, Ranked
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering the dress, pantsless driving, bare feet, and more....
What Are We Being Ordered To Care About Instead Of That Goddamn Dress?
The Rule of the Internet is that when people argue about something silly, like the color of a goddamn dress, an army of remarkably irritating people will amass to counter that phenomenon and remind you that you are a shallow cock for worrying about the color of a dress. Let's meet these smarm merch...
Russell Wilson’s Ball-Bread Is Fucking Weird
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering failed romantic gestures, Oscar stuff, hamburgers and sex, and more....
Dear Dude Playing Music Off Your Phone In Public With No Headphones
Die. Fucking die. What the fuck is wrong with you? You should be jailed....
<i>Parks And Recreation</i> Characters, Ranked
Alright, let's do this....
How To Tweet If You Are A Famous Athlete
Last week, current Niners QB and future miserable player on a 4-12 team Colin Kaepernick got into a Twitter beef with random Twitter user Stephen Batten (Twitter handle @battman_returns, which is a weak handle when @BattenDownTheSnatches was right there for the taking). It started when Kaep tweeted ...
The Hater’s Guide To The 2015 Oscars
Every year, the Oscars come along, and it becomes more evident that the Oscars are the worst live event on television. Other award shows are smart enough to jettison technical categories, get the nominees shitfaced, and encourage poor wardrobe choices. Meanwhile, these things are still as self-im...
Let's Cast The ESPN Movie!
Yesterday, James Andrew Miller, one of the co-authors of the ESPN oral history Those Guys Have All The Fun, announced on Twitter that a movie of the book is currently in the works, and that he's writing the script. We're hoping the script features some suit telling Keith Olbermann to turn in his b...
Please Don’t Post Open-Casket Photos On Facebook
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're fouling out, sleeping in, talking jarred fetuses, and more....
The Hater’s Guide To Chuck E. Cheese’s
I have a son who turned six a few weeks ago, and we needed to do something to acknowledge the milestone, even though turning six doesn't really mean anything. I have long been an advocate for the abolition of BIG BIRTHDAY, but kids have a knack for teaming up with the Birthday Industrial Complex ...
It Happened To Me: I Tried To Fight A Mirror
I'm gonna tell this story again, because it's the dumbest thing that's ever happened to me, and no one at Gawker Media believes that anyone could be so stupid. But I was. Again, this will be very difficult to explain, because it requires LAYERS of idiocy on the part of the protagonist (that would ...
Jon Stewart Should Run For Office
So Jon Stewart formally announced his impending retirement/Jeter Farewell Tour last night. (Twitter, as it does, reacted as if he had died, so my condolences.) And naturally, he took a moment to say that he might use his time off to spend more time with his family. Now, you and I have heard this fr...
How To Dump A Friend
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're talking Jayson Williams, Kanye, holiday sex, and more....
"Stop A Douchebag" Movement Shames Nutjob Russian Drivers
Russia is a country that only has "laws" in the loosest possible sense, which is why people there drive like absolute fucking maniacs. Thankfully, a youth group named Stop A Douchebag is bravely (some might say foolishly) attempting to address the problem. Reader Jeff explains:...
The Quest For Virality Is Making Everything Shitty
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here....