drewmagary Page 48 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Bill Murray Crashes Bachelor Party, Gives Awesome Speech
In the video above, you see shape-shifting coyote trickster god Bill Murray walking in on a bachelor party in Charleston, dishing out some advice to everyone EXCEPT the groom. Here's reader Stephen with the background:...
A List Of People You May Cross The Street To Avoid
You are walking down the street. Someone is coming at you. Will they hurt you? Kill you? Throw you into a van and molest you? They might! But are you worried enough about it to flee?...
An Ode To Sleeping Children
I had to look after all three of my kids by myself this weekend, and when you are alone with children for that long, you are so put-upon that your memory stops working. I can't even recall what happened over those three days, because my brain went into Safe Mode and was like, NOPE. I'M NOT STORING...
Why Is ESPN Letting Darren Rovell Turn Ad Campaigns Into Articles?
Here is a headline from a recent Darren Rovell article (?) that appeared on ESPN.com earlier this week: "Deal forbids Brees from motorcycle." ...
Awkward Minnesota Super Bowl "War Room" Is One Big Tiger Woods High Five
So my home state of Minnesota "won" the right to host Super Bowl LII in 2018, presumably because Zygi Wilf convinced local taxpayers to pony up for a new stadium with funds from electronic pull-tab games that haven't generated any actual revenue yet, and such triumphs must be rewarded. Anyway, sinc...
The Trashiest Tattoo Locations, Ranked
Before we get to the Funbag, a couple of things. First off, to commemorate the paperback release ofSomeone Could Get Hurt, I'm gonna do a reading at the Dodge City bar here in D.C. on Wednesday night. We'll start around 8:30 p.m, and I promise not to read for too long, because no one ever likes th...
Your Open Relationship Is Horseshit
There was a dude on Reddit today who proposed an open relationship with his girlfriend, only to have the whole thing blow up in his face when his girlfriend managed to score vestigial lovers and he couldn't do likewise. Any normal person will tell you that, unless your name is Gene Simmons, open re...
Fuck Chipotle
Everyone's rightfully goofing on Chipotle today for unveiling a line of cups and bags featuring insta-literature from the likes of Toni Morrison and George Saunders. Now, I have no issue with restaurant chains scrawling stuff on their packaging. Cook Out could post entire passages from Leviticus o...
Michael Sam Is Doing A Reality Show, And That Sucks
So Michael Sam has a reality show now, and I'm just gonna go ahead and align myself with the HOT TAKES crowd and say that Sam just pissed away a whole lot of the goodwill he'd built up for himself these past few months. They can class up the announcement all they like. They can call it a "document...
How To Suck: A Special Message To The Graduating Class Of 2014
This is all about sucking, so I'll begin with me, in a parking lot, parked too close to the adjacent car. I open my car door and inadvertently hit the other dude's door. I pray that I haven't left a scratch, or a dent, or something substantial that would require insurance-card swapping and 10 minu...
Why <em>Inside The NBA</em> Could Never Happen In The NFL
Your letters:...
Here Are Your Worst Prom Hookup Failures
Once upon a time at this fair site, we ran a series of posts entitled Drunken Hookup Failure, chronicling sordid tales of young lust gone horribly awry. Today, we've decided to bring DHF back for a special prom-themed edition. Here now are some of our readers' very worst prom failures....
The NFL Is Trying To Get You To Hate Football
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here....
37 Things Mothers Do Not Like
Hey guys, Mother's Day is coming! Don't bother with a present. All she wants is a card, and for you to avoid the following things:...
I Took TED's Stupid Grit Quiz!
If you're a sports fan like I am, you know that championships aren't won with talent or sound strategy or even proper personnel evaluation. They are won with HUSTLE and HEART and ECKSTEINIAN fortitude that cannot be measured, because measuring things is for nerds and pussies. ...
Down With NBA Playoff Color-Outs
Whoa, hey, the paperback edition of Someone Could Get Hurt drops today, so if you were too cheap to spring for a hardcover last spring (and you were; I've seen the royalty statements), now you can buy it on the cheap. Everyone wins when you give me your money....
Down With Runway Food
I was watching an episode of Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown recently, and he was in Vegas at a fancy José Andrés restaurant-within-a-restaurant that had roughly two and a half seats and likely charged hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for a single meal. Bourdain was presented with an "egg" that wa...
Facebook Is Dead
I don't use Facebook much anymore, because anyone with a brain knows that Facebook is terrible. Apart from the long-standing complaints about privacy and insufferable people posting pictures of their own feet from a fucking beach, it's really only useful as a one-time thing. You make your account....
What Happens If The Clippers Win The NBA Title?
Before we hit up the Funbag, two things. First off, I wrote a short story called THE ROVER that you can buy here for a dollar. You can also borrow it for free with Amazon Prime. But for real, it's only a buck. You cheap old miser. GIVE ME MY DOLLAR, GOD DAMMIT....