37 Things Mothers Do Not Like

Hey guys, Mother's Day is coming! Don't bother with a present. All she wants is a card, and for you to avoid the following things:

1. Excessive TV volume

2. Those kitchen cabinets

3. Large portions of meat

4. Eastbound & Down

5. Poorly arranged shoes

6. Fast boats

7. Faster cars

8. Motorcycles

9. Salt

10. Just chilling out for a sec

11. Not staying in one lane on the highway

12. Slayer

13. Hot tubs

14. Using the wrong towel

15. Anal

16. Additives

17. Preservatives

18. Your most fun friend

19. Biking down steep hills

20. "All that sugar"

21. Ostentatiously sized televisions

22. All football announcers at all times

23. Going to the mall on a sunny day

24. Letting the screen door slam shut on its own

25. Billy Bob Thornton

26. Tracking dirt inside the house

27. Slothful lifeguards

28. Leaving the house without proper shoes

29. Leaving the house without an emergency extra layer of clothing

30. Stopping for food on the road instead of bringing 50 small bags of apple slices

31. Sliding your hand along the escalator railing

32. Sharing cups

33. Hotel bedspreads

34. Wiping up something from the floor using the kitchen-sink sponge

35. The threat of undercooked poultry

36. Mildew

37. Enriched white flour

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected]. You can also buy Drew's new Kindle Single, The Rover, through Amazon.

Image by David Saracino.

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