If you were trapped in one restaurant for the rest of your life and could only eat and drink what is on the menu and didn’t get fat from eating it, where would it be?


Mark Davis says PF Chang’s. HEY-OOOOOO!!!

This is hard because food isn’t the only part of the equation here, right? Like, if I’m gonna be stuck in a restaurant forever, it better be comfortable, and it better be spacious, and there better be, like, visible sunlight… preferably a nice large patio à la The Ladybird in Atlanta. I’d probably still go psycho from being on restaurant arrest, but at least I’d be able to go outside.


Foodwise, it’s tempting to pick somewhere fancy like Le Bernardin or any Michelin-starred joint that costs $900 a head every night. But, and I realize this is very bratty to say, but even the fanciest restaurant food gets tiring if you eat it every single night. At some point, I’m gonna be in desperate need of eggs. I’m gonna need a place that has eggs, and steak, and good ramen. Oh, and sushi! Gotta have some sushi, even if it’s crap sushi. Is there a place that can do all that? Please don’t say the Cheesecake Factory. It’s the Cheesecake Factory, isn’t it? Fuck. Hell is me standing in a Cheesecake Factory lobby, waiting for my little buzzer thing to go off.

I can’t do it. I’m picking Franklin Barbecue. Kill me with brisket.


Would NFL coaches punt as frequently as they do if all instances or forms of the term “punt” were replaced with the term “surrender?” As in: “4th down, and the Bears will surrender.” “Marquette King has established himself as one of if not the best surrenderers in the league”


I know most coaches are terrified of not looking MANLY, so while I know this sounds silly, I feel like it might make a difference.

But you will never stop coaches like Jim Caldwell from punting inside the 40, even if you forced them to wear a literal dunce cap for the offense. Also, language takes on a life of its own, so most fans would regard “surrender” strictly in its new football context if you ever got them to change the term. The word would have a whole different flavor of cowardice to it.


Also, whatever shame comes with “surrendering” a possession would be secondary to the shame that drives coaches to punt to begin with, namely that they don’t wanna get blown out. It really is a strange phenomenon, where coaches don’t want to look bad for botching a fourth down or a long field goal, so they do something that makes them looks even WORSE and often gives them a greater chance of losing. And they do it all the time! They never, ever learn. It’s astonishing. There should be a team of league officials on the sideline actively preventing shitty punt calls. Like, they just straight up go to Steve Spagnuolo and are like, “Sorry, you can’t do that. Pick something else.” I’d pay good money (a quarter!) to see that.


What do you think is the average life of a pack of Tic Tacs? In my house, I’d say less than 13 minutes. Once the kids discover them they are gone almost instantly. But my grandma probably has a pack in her purse from 1996. So that may skew the average a bit. I’d say it has to be less than a week. More people eat them all in mere hours over the grannies hoarding packs in their purses to hand out to kids at church. Right?


Here’s a fun fact: Americans spent over $200 million last year on Tic Tacs alone. That is astounding to me. Tic Tacs are the Tab of breath mints, and yet they persist, leading the FRESHENER SPACE by a healthy margin. I have to believe, as you infer, that this is because most people treat Tic Tacs like candy instead of a breath mint, which is why they sell them in candy flavors like orange and fruity rainbow and shit. They even sell candy cane Tic Tacs for Christmas. I brought home a box and my five-year-old went cross-eyed in ecstasy. My guess is that the average box of Tic Tacs lasts a couple days and then is either finished off or lost forever in the bowels of a handbag.

By the way, the Tic Tac box really does say that the serving size is ONE Tic Tac. The gall of these people.



Whatever happened to that great old fashioned tradition of tearing down goalposts to celebrate a win. Has the advent of new post technology ruined this moment of collegiate triumph?


Yeah, some schools have made it harder to tear them down, like Florida State when they installed H-style goal posts (with two supports). But they’ve also beefed up security and cracked down hard on anyone who attempts to storm the field, much less tear down the posts. Auburn was fined a whopping $250k for kids flooding the field after the Iron Bowl, and you can bet there’s a crusty old dean threatening kids if they even so much as look at the goal posts. I’m also equally sure there are any number of frat bros who take those threats as a personal challenge and are like LET’S JUST DO IT AND BE LEGENDS before seeing a rent-a-cop with an assault rifle guarding the post, and then chickening out. It’s a process.


I know a lot of athletes sign autographs with a signature that includes their number. Do you think any athletes who have a number/ animal included in their signature are signing their mortgage or passport with this signature?


No. In fact, I think a lot of athletes are probably advised to have a SECOND signature for legal documents, so that I can’t just take their autograph and use it to forge documents in their name. I would totally do this, too. Pete Rose has no idea that I signed him up for that nudist colony. Won’t HE be surprised!


I prefer to eat sandwiches that have toasted bread slices. The texture really helps make the sandwich a great meal. However, since I have started toasting my own slices of bread for sandwich making, I’ve noticed that my toasted slices are sharp as hell. It’s sometimes painful to bite through the goddamn concrete slabs holding my sandwich innards. How do I remedy this? Less toasting time? What’s the point of toasting bread if you don’t make it delightfully crunchy? How do these sandwich shops across the land toast bread to perfection. I’m perplexed.


Yeah you’re overtoasting your toast. Just set it lower so that the edges brown and the surface gets a little dried out but not rock hard. Also, use better bread. If you’re toasting some shitty Sara Lee bread, it’s probably not gonna have the TEXTURAL PROFILES of some fancy sourdough loaf that costs $4 in the bakery section at Safeway. (FACT: grocery store bakeries get better every year.) With thicker slices, you get a little crunch, but you also get the spongy goodness inside too.

Also, use condiments. I hate mayo, but the reason people use it is to keep a sandwich from drying out. You can do that with mustard, dressing, or even butter. That should all prevent you from any kind of toast-related hard palate injury. I wish you good luck on your future sandwich-building endeavors.



I have a question about swearing at work. What are the top jobs where cursing is totally ok? I feel like pro sports, politics (behind the scenes), and writers are top pics. I’m a speech therapist who’s only worked in schools and clinics so the idea of cursing at work is so alien to me. Some of my current coworkers will say “shit” sometimes just amongst staff and I’m so weirded out by it. I swear I’m not a prude, I curse all the time outside of work. What jobs are the most curse-friendly?


You mean, apart from this one? I assume that it’s any job where there are no children and very few, if any, women around. So that means construction, coaching, and certain branches of the military. If you’re gonna support our troops, do it for their liberal and creative use of profanity. I know that’s why I would want to be a drill sergeant. I would channel my inner R. Lee Ermey every chance I got. YOU LITTLE MAGGOTFUCKERS BETTER DROP AND GIVE ME 90 OR ELSE I WILL PERSONALLY FACEFUCK YOU WITH YOUR OWN BALLBAG! Good stuff.

Profanity tends to enhance the clubby vibe of any profession, which is how you end up with some oil rig crew cursing like mafia henchmen to pass the time while performing dangerous acts of hard labor. If I worked on an oil rig, I would immediately affect a New York accent and get right to work on my ball-busting. “Ey, this fuckin’ guy! You see this fuckin’ guy weldin’ that fuckin’ pipe? What a fuckin’ asshole!” That’s all music to my ears.


By the way, I used to be a table runner and restaurant kitchens are just about the swearingest places on Earth. And it’s become pretty clear lately that that sort of open bawdiness tends to lead to darker behavior. It also serves to chase away employees who would rather not be called ASSWIPE every time they gotta fire on Table 16. Thus, everyone could probably stand to be a bit more genteel, myself included.

(sees bad Gregg Easterbrook take)



When I was in university two of my buddies challenged each other to see who could live on a diet of Kraft Dinner and ONLY that for the longest period of time. They were each permitted one topping to use to break the monotony as they saw fit (it had to be a sauce or seasoning, not another food like bacon). I think one went with Frank’s Red Hot sauce, and the other with standard black pepper. I believe the first person caved around day five. My question is how long do you think you could last doing that and what would your topping be?


Well, seeing as how I dip into my kid’s shells and cheese pretty much every night, I think I could hack it for at least a few days. My topping would be an entire ribeye steak. Is that within the rules?

Email of the week!


I go to flush my morning shit and the toilet ends up getting clogged. The toilet has a tendency to run a little bit and no water seemed to be exiting the bowl. I quickly removed the tank cover and tried to make sure the stopper was sealing, but the water kept rising in the toilet. So, I am standing there, bare-assed, with nothing but hope, even though I know what’s about to happen.

The water level rises ever so slowly leaving me with thoughts of cleaning up the poop water that’s about to cascade onto the floor. And it does, of course. I grab my towel and put it on the floor. I loudly yell about 10 words, 9 of them curses. My wife is about 10 feet away, through the wall, lounging in bed. She clearly hears everything but doesn’t know what exactly happened.

I tell her and she thinks I overreacted. I tell her this is a very appropriate reaction.

Who is right?

You are.