Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Sean Haire, who for some reason went by "Sean O'Haire" while wrestling in WCW, was booked for allegedly hitting and choking his girlfriend. Because he's dating a non-Tila Tequila woman, this is not OK.
•Tim Lincecum misses a start with muscle spasms. The Giants had better hope it's not serious, or they run the risk of getting walloped by the Cardinals in three games instead of four.
•With a court ruling still pending, the NFL says the Vikings' Williamses can play in week one regardless. Keep in mind they tested positive for a banned substance more than nine months ago. And the league claims to have the toughest steroid policy in sports?
•We're reaching serious WTF territory here. Ben Roethlisberger's accuser says she'll drop the lawsuit if Big Ben admits he raped her. I'm no legal expert, but copping to a crime can't help his chances in any future criminal proceedings. Also, she's nuts and has no case.
•Michael Jordan picks David Thompson to introduce him at the Hall of Fame ceremony. Between Jordan, fellow inductee David Robinson, and presenters Isiah Thomas and Larry Brown, apparently it's ruin-the-Knicks'-shit day in Springfield.
•Well, it finally happened. Brad Lidge got yanked after loading the bases in the ninth, perhaps ending his tenure as closer in Philadelphia. Would it be hyping up Albert Pujols legend too much to blame his 2005 home run for Lidge's collapse? Well I'm doing it anyway.
•Nashville Predators part-owner William "Boots" Del Biaggio was sentenced to eight years in prison for bilking investors out of hundreds of millions. The lesson, as always, is don't accept a check from someone nicknamed "Boots."
•Emeritus is trying something a little radical over at New York Magazine. Will Leitch...writing a blog...about sports. Hmmm. Sounds crazy, but what do I know?
•Finally, Ron Artest reaches out to Stephon Marbury, through the magic of Celine: