Photo: Sean M. Haffey (Getty)

Several great-grandparents were deeply scandalized this month by the revelation that 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo had dinner with porn actress Kiara Mia, despite it being 2018 and there just being nothing lamer than wringing your hands over the social life of a fucking football player.

One such great-grandparent is Sporting News writer Michael McCarthy, who sought to fortify his dipshit pearl-clutching by citing a couple of genuinely hilarious allies. Get a load of this shit here:

“Jimmy G-String!”

That was the mocking moniker used by FS1's Jason Whitlock about Jimmy Garoppolo this week after the 49ers quarterback’s date with adult-film star Kiara Mia. As Whitlock’s on-air colleagues chortled, the co-host of [All Takes Matter] warned Garoppolo, 26, made a mistake in stepping out with the 41-year-old star of the Kim Kardashian porn parody, “Keeping up with Kiara Mia.”

The former New England backup QB nicknamed “Jimmy G” better win in San Francisco this season, warned Whitlock, or else he has “exposed” something about his personality that will be used against him.

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To be fair, Whitlock certainly knows a thing or two about wrecking one’s reputation with conspicuously bizarre public behavior. And just what does Whitlock sense in Garoppolo’s personality that could be exploited down the line?

“He’s got a freaky side. A real freaky side,” Whitlock said. “It’s going to be like: Is he distracted? Does he have some kind of addiction issue? Is he Tiger Woods? If he doesn’t play well, all these questions are going to be asked.”

Loving the passive voice, here. Something in his personality “will be used against him.” Questions—all on their own!—are “going to be asked.” One wonders if the very people freaking out over Garoppolo being seen in public with a woman whose breasts have been viewed on many laptops will be the same people asking these all-too-stupid questions.

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Lest you think McCarthy is hanging his entire freakout on the deflected horniness of Jason Whitlock, he also spoke to renowned, uhh, website operator Mike “The Reputation Doctor” Paul:

“There’s benefits to being family-friendly. The more family-friendly you are, the more opportunity you have to have sponsors,” said Paul, who’s worked with many pro athletes. “If you’re blocking sponsors because you’re dating a porn star, that’s not good for you. Or the team. Or the league.”

Penetrating insights, there. Possibly it will be bad if sponsors don’t like you. Hey, while we’re here, lets check in on the totally real and very serious credentials of this here Reputation Doctor:

“After a major oil spill, we turned to Reputation Doctor® for help. With the firm’s excellent help, today our company has cleaned up the mess, and we have a strong commitment to corporate social responsibility because of Reputation Doctor. Thank you!” ~ CEO of global oil company faced with a major oil spill.

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But don’t take the word of “CEO of global oil company”! Let’s hear what “Olympic athlete charged with using performance enhancing drugs” has to say about this man’s very legitimate business:

“My reputation was in tatters and you helped me to see the light. Thank you! Because of Reputation Doctor®, I not only have my athletic reputation back, I also have a life worth living!”

Assuming this Reputation Doctor boob runs a legitimate business, there is little that is more cynical on earth than the brand-management shit that public figures do to stay in the good graces of fucking advertisers. This isn’t about Garoppolo failing in any sort of moral sense—this is about whether brands will want him smiling on their damn cereal boxes now that he’s been photographed near a person whose profession causes a largely porn-consuming public to pretend to be scandalized, for the benefit of spouses to whom they lie about their masturbation habits. Even McCarthy has to admit there’s no real substance to any gripe, here:

Yes, the adult film industry has gone mainstream. Yes, many professional (and some college athletes) canoodle with adult-film stars. Yes, it’s a free country, and a young, handsome, single athlete like Garoppolo should be free to date whoever he wants. 

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Now comes the part where Paul and McCarthy cram their noggins together and produce a hilariously bogus and unearned generalization about a certain type of hyper-cynical NFL fan:

Given the two-year controversy over NFL players kneeling in protest of social injustice during the national anthem, Paul doubts the league also wants to rub Garoppolo’s adult-film star girlfriend in the faces of family values-oriented fans who view pornography as “unsavory at best and illegal at worst.”

Look at that! Performative troop-supporters are now “family values-oriented fans,” and some significant bloc of NFL fans view pornography as “unsavory.” This, my friends, is possibly the least honest paragraph ever written.

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But not the goofiest! Here comes the goofiest. Are you ready for it?

Asks Paul: What’s to stop an opportunistic producer from rushing out a parody video of the quarterback and the porn star, a la “Breast Side Story” (starring President Donald Trump’s alleged paramour Stormy Daniels) or “The Sopornos?” Or a condom marketer running an ad campaign bragging its products will help men score a “touchdown?”

We are meant to understand that “touchdown” condoms—an idea that apparently no condom marketer ever considered prior to Jimmy Garoppolo being photographed with a porn actress in 2018—would represent not just a potential minor annoyance for a guy making $137.5 million to play football for a living, and not just a potential distraction for his teammates, but an actual threat to the NFL:

There are plenty of ways the X-rated industry can mock, satirize and capitalize on Garoppolo and the NFL brand without crossing the line into trademark infringement.

[...]

“You’ve already put your reputation, your team’s reputation and the league’s reputation at risk.”

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Whew. Pretty dire situation for the indestructible $14 billion corporate behemoth that dominates American professional sports. However will it survive?? Good thing there’s the Reputation Doctor® around to help rehabilitate its image in these dark times.