Dead Letters: “Wtf Really Drew Ur Fucked Up”

Subject: Wtf really drew ur fucked up an I cnt go on with u tweaking ‘ eithier we both quit or I do I can’t waist all my time worring aboutyou look where that’s got us so far’ I love u k I just don’t like u creeping around’nget it together’ I need a cigarette bad can u roll us one where are u at dam it?jans leaving ur dads locking itup wtffffffffffff

From: Crystal PaigeTo: Drew Magary

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Subject: Recent Tom Ley Articles

From: Zachary BohlenderTo: The Staff

Dear Deadspin,

I’m an avid reader of your site, and I may have jumped out of my office window without the entertainment it usually provides during my work day. That said, some recent Tom Ley articles have left a lot to be desired.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but seeing some fat schlub looking at his iPad while at a baseball game doesn’t really do it for me. All I see is some sad bastard who probably knows more about Dungeons and Dragons than baseball and who had to go on a work outing and pretend he doesn’t wish he was at home abusing himself to anime porn while Food Network hums quietly in the background.

At least, though, the hard-hitting investigative journalism into distracted baseball game attendees is somewhat sports related. The recent HOA articles are a trend that needs to never happen. Watching angsty 30-40 year olds fight it out over inane problems and engage in massive power trips while doing so is completely and utterly depressing. It makes me want to live on a ranch in Montana where both my and animals and I can defecate freely and avoid going to Randy’s potluck. Fucking Randy. No one cares that you’re 6 months sober, and I’m just going to buy a carton of cookies from the supermarket before I go over anyway before making some awkward small talk with the neighborhood gossip and leaving well before the mayonnaise in the potato salad goes bad. Just writing that makes me want to buy a sports car and move to Key West—Who says upper middle management is all that great anyway?—not really what I’m looking for from a sports website.

As a lawyer, I’m obligated to include this awful phrase at the end of every email. Please advise.

Best Regards,Zach

Subject: perhaps...

From: Tashia RahlTo: Albert Burneko

Just sayin’ > PERHAPS

PERHAPS YOU COULD MAYBE CONSIDER NOT ACTUALLY TYPING THE ENTIRE CURSE WORD-OR, MAYBE EVEN A SUBSTITUTE, IF YOU REALLY FELT THE NEED.…JUST KNOW THAT LITTLE KIDS ARE SEEKING OUT PEACH DESEERT RECIPES AND I’M HOPING THAT YOU WOULD LOVE THAT THEY FOUND YOURS …BUT NOT LOVE THAT A 6 YEAR OLD GIRL IS READING PROFANITY IN A PEACH COBBLER RECIPE? DON’T FREAK OUT…JUST A SUGGESTION.

YOU HAVE WHAT APPEARS TO BE A GREAT SENSE OF CULINARY STYLE AS WELL AS GREAT CHARACTER – WHO DOESN’T LOVE FUN IN THE KITCHEN?! BUT FOR COOL YOUNG PEOPLE TO FEEL THAT USING PROFANITY IS THE ONLY WAY TO COMMUNICATE IS WRONG TO ME-DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE ACTUALLY… JUST SAYIN.

I SAW THAT YOU ALSO HAVE TWO KIDS…

REGARDS FROM SOUTH FLORIDA

TASHIA