Down Goes Strasburg (Sort of). Nationals' Autopsy Scheduled (Today).

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Upon reading the line, "Strasburg grabbed his right wrist and shook it after a pitch to Dominic Brown on Saturday night," Nationals fans said, "I knew it was all too good to be true," while Phillies fans said, "ESPN intentionally spelled Domonic Brown's name wrong because they have it out for us." [ ESPN.com] MRI scheduled for today. [ Sporting News]

• Dallas columnist says Cowboys' offense stunk in last night's preseason game. Describes it as "putrid," "atrocious," and, "my personal favorite: raggedy." Oh, they won. [ Dallas Morning News]

• Pro soccer stadium could soon be built in New Orleans. Sounds about right. [ New Orleans Times-Picayune]

• Slo-mo LeBron NBA 2K10 highlights set to the soothing strains of Justin Bieber [H/T Bill Jamison]

• It's a no-hitters-already-thrown-this-year showdown in Oakland today (Garza v. Braden). Adult ballboy/lothario Kevin Fennell ponders the possibilities. [ TampaBay.com]

• Remember Juan Martin del Potro? Tennis? Won the U.S. Open last year? Yeah, well, a day after Serena said she was out, he did, too. For the record book, that means the No. 1 woman in the world and the defending men's champ aren't heading to Flushing Meadows. [ ATPWorldTour.com]

• Documents released to The Associated Press under the Freedom of Information Act show that for almost two years, agents tracked the [civil-rights] suit filed by a prominent black lawyer against Bear Bryant, the University of Alabama and others to make Bryant recruit black football players. [ Tuscaloosa News]

• Las Vegas mayor/former mob lawyer Oscar Goodman thinks Major League Baseball should give his city a franchise. Oddly enough, the MLB disagrees. [ The Biz of Baseball]

• So, who's "all-American ball player praised for his charitable work and family-man demeanor" Pepper Harthman? Blind gossip items hint that dude's gonna get blown up for heavy sexting, etc. I refuse to get into a guessing game. Tim Tebow. [ EOnline]

• Today, Vin Scully is expected to announce where he'll be taking his future talents. [ AP]

• Roger Clemens took an 85-character shot at Jeff Pearlman (SI guy, wrote a book about Clemens, proud Blue Hen, so on) yesterday.

You go Kirb! He's a low life wanna-b. By his looks he could star on the Adams Family.

It would have been 86 characters if he spelled the Addams Family right, and 87 if he added a comma after "go." The lack of a hyphen in "low life" is a wash since that space counts; same goes for not spelling "wanna-b" by the preferred "wannabe." What troubled me most is the second missing comma after "looks," which would've reached the acceptable 88-count insult. I've known Pearlman since I was 20. Dude does have a touch of Lurch gait to him, but because Roger didn't form a proper zing, the diss is lost forever. [ JeffPearlman.com]

• In other media news, CBS Sports columnist Gregg Doyel totally lost his shit over the whole Mariotti thing. [ Tauntr.com]

• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … Cubs win! That's it.

**** Whitlock totally ruled Friday, as Saturday was Mariotti's. Who's gonna be Sunday's #mediameltdown?! Wish wish hope hope it's not me, but it will be the minute somebody finds character-count mistakes in the Pearlman bullet-point, if I mattered, which I don't since I took the time to tally Clemens' character counts in the first place. Enter sad clown. Let's go on a NSFW joyride.