So imagine my surprise when I logged onto Deadspin last night and found that serial child abuser Drew Magary was participating on Chopped. That due to some combination of threatening the producers with a kitchen knife and Shibbolethian fecal rituals, he had managed to convince them that he knew how to cook a piece of cowdick.
This man is a relentless force of personal failure. For shit’s sake, he doesn’t even know how to shave his balls, let alone boil linguini to the proper cook time. This is a person that should be trusted with nothing more than making sure he doesn’t stick his tongue in a mandolin while wearing a safety helmet, and yet, somehow, Drew Magary, purveyor of poop stories, is on a cooking show, while Albert Burneko, chef de cuisine of penisgourds is languishing at home, shrieking his rage at an unfeeling television while downing a bottle of sherry and furiously beating his crotch with a Vienna ham.
This isn’t fair.
I’ve met Drew Magary. He is the worst human being on a planet of the worst human beings in the entirety of past, present, and future. His favorite football team is the Minnesota Vikings, for fuck’s sake. Only utter failures who can’t even compose a coherent thought play for that team, and the dumbasses who root for those losers? Absofuckinglutely pathetic. In some jankass alternative universe, where ZombieHitler won World War 4, and Halliburton had a top executive in the White House, Drew Magary got on a cooking show and WON and somehow THAT IS OUR REALITY.
You heard me right. This pustule-stained hyenarse managed to defeat people a million times more qualified than him to boil water, and won $10,000. Sure, he’s donating it to charity, but the utter gall of it. The sheer, unmitigated effrontery of this milquetoast-faced cheesemonger, daring to demonstrate on national television (when it would have been offensive on the local access cable station that plays at 2 a.m.) that he was the best chef in the room, when everyone who’s read even a single sentence on this site knows that he parades before us like a capering fool dangling his twig ‘n’ berries in front of the local baron hoping that he doesn’t get the switch! That THIS MAN believes he knows a recipe more complicated than one required to fill a ramen cup with water to its chiseled line, well ...
It chaps my nuts, I’ll tell you straight.
There are people out there who legit know how to cook. There are people out there who slave over a hot stove, shaving garlic slices until you could read the Magna Carta through the translucent allium before rendering those ephemeral slices into an aioli that would make Caesar cry, who deserve to be in front of your unwashed faces as you shove down another Hungry Man triple pack beef stroganoff before falling asleep in your sweat stained recliner, and yet DREW EFFING MAGARY HAS TAKEN THEIR PLACE.
It’s like Carrie Underwood playing Maria in The Sound Of Music. It’s like Hugh Jackman performing as Jean Valjean in Les Mis. It’s like Christopher Walken playing Captain Hook in Peter Pan Live. It is a testimony to the utter failure that we have accepted as the new normal for America, the downward spiral leading us to electrolytes and Brawndo that sees Drew Magary sweating in a kitchen before us on a Tuesday night without even BRINGING HIS OWN FUCKING KNIVES TO A COOKING COMPETITION.
I say, we can be better than this, America. I say that we can rediscover the roots of our forefathers. I say we take back the America of 1,000-calorie holiday drinks and heart attack- inducing side dishes that make visiting the toilet the next day a religious experience. I say we shun horrible chefs like Drew Magary, chefs who lead us to believe we cannot sear a goddamn scallop without burning down the house and/or soiling our trousers in sweat induced terror, and instead we embrace actual cooking. Cooking with heart. Cooking with style. Cooking with a reason.
Drew Magary won on Chopped last night and it’s a goddamned national disgrace. We’re better than this.
Chris Kluwe is the author of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.