If, like many of us, you met news of Wayne Rooney putting his gnarled willy inside some attention-seeking tart with a world-weary sigh, today probably hasn't been the most exciting day for football news (although it's made international week slightly more interesting.)
The only comfort The Spoiler has had is in uncovering some of the unintentionally hilarious anecdotes borne of the months-in-the-pipeline scandal:
Brass a la mode (sorry Monica Mint), Jenny Thompson on Wayne's relationship with a certain winking Portugeezer:
The only time he ever mentioned one of the other players was when we were at a party one night and he called Cristiano Ronaldo a ‘w***er'.
Wayne and I were standing in the smoking area when Ronaldo walked past, and Wayne muttered ‘F***ing w***er' after him.
Poor CR9. Ms. Thompson also tells of an encounter with not-knackered family man and occasional football star, Michael Owen:
We hadn't arranged to meet but Wayne spotted me in the crowd. About half hour later he held my hand in front of everyone and led me away down these stairs.
Michael Owen was looking at him in disgust.
Exceptional. There was even a bit of illumination on modern footballers' strange disregard for their health (why is riding motorbikes banned by football clubs, but not smoking?) and the customary lack of respect for coin:
Five minutes after sex he said he wanted a smoke and got the guy from the desk downstairs to go and get them. He paid him £200 or something ridiculous like that for a packet of Marlboro.
£200?! Wazza must have been a nervous wreck. Perhaps ‘Juicy Jenny's services are worth a grand after all.
The final word should be left to Natalie Rooney, Wayne's 20-year-old cousin:
Other footballers have girls begging to have sex with them. He pays for it. Lost all my respect for him now!
Wouldn't you be ashamed? Look how many kids he's a role model to and he does that while his wife's carrying his child. It's disgusting.
Well said, Natalie, well sa…
This post, written by Richard Gilzene, is republished with permission from The Spoiler. Go there often if you like soccer stuff.