In what sport would an amateur athlete or team of amateurs have the greatest chance of winning against a professional(s) of the same sport? I think we can rule out the obvious football, basketball, baseball, and soccer. I'd think bowling and golf have the best odds.


It's golf, because any pro golfer can have a shitty day and end up with an amateur score, and any amateur with a good handicap can pull a good run out of his ass and post a score that's SIMILAR to a professional's. That's the fatal allure of golf. If you get one birdie, you assume that you have the potential to one day get ALL birdies, and that's not true. The gap between amateur and professional seems closer in golf, even though that isn't the case. Until they install pizza-sized holes next year. And then, by God, I will close that gap. I AM COMING FOR YOU, STEWART CINK. Prepared to be destroyed.


Does Jeopardy have anybody in mind if Trebek decides to walk away from the game tomorrow? How do they pick the next one—have one of the former champions host? Ken Jennings, for example.


He seems like a good replacement. I need Trebek to retire today, because once they replace Craig Ferguson (if they do), the late-night-host carousel stops, and we all have to go back to paying attention to other shit. I can't let that happen. Every year, they should fire a late-night host or an MNF announcer so that I can spend months pointlessly speculating about replacements. What about Broncos coordinator Adam Gase?! He seems ready for the job!


What do you think would have happened if the Chinese lunar rover messed with the American flags and statues we left up there? Do you think we (the U.S.) would go back up and replant those flags? That is, after the long, devastating war that would ensue with the People's Republic of China? Would we go to war? Would we boycott them? How would we know they didn't mess with anything up there? I can't help but think about the mess/non-mess that would be created by such an event.


Given that we owe China all our money and the fact that our military is already overextended, our government would probably a) Bury the news, or b) issue a tersely worded statement that ultimately ends up being an idle threat. And then FOX News would run a chyron that said OBAMA: HUGE PUSSY OR ENORMOUS GASH?! And then we'd have to spend $600 billion on a new mission to send guys back up to the moon just to replant the flag, plus a McDonald's billboard for good measure. It would be a colossal waste of time. I expect all that to happen sometime within the next four years.


I'm a big Knicks fan. Recently, Walt Clyde Frazier (the best color commentator a fan can ask for) started talking about how he NEVER wears a jacket. His reasoning is that it's inconvenient to carry a jacket around once you get to your destination. How crazy is this? I mean yeah, it sucks to worry about your jacket at bars, museums, the mall, etc. but sometimes you need a freaking jacket. During last night's game against Philly, he said he was tempted to put one on with this cold weather (about 10 degrees) in NY right now, but he ended up standing strong and going jacketless. Is Clyde crazy, or does he have everything figured out?


But he's lying! He wears sports coats and leather tunics and trenches and all kind of fashionable outerwear. Those count as jackets, don't they? He's just saying that he doesn't wear a second puffy jacket over his fancy jackets. I guess that's a sacrifice, but it's not like he's walking around in nothing but a beater all day like a GAMER.

On the whole, Clyde is right: Jackets are a complete pain in the ass. You need them for walking from your car to the party and back. The rest of the time, you're carrying around a very nice looking piece of garbage. You have to carry it around draped over your forearm until your forearm sweats to death. You have to check it at a coat check. You have to wait in line at the coat check to retrieve it when you really want to go home. And sitting in a car with a jacket on BLOWS. If I'm embarking on a long car trip, I always throw the jacket in the back and wait two minutes for the car to heat up so I don't have to deal with it en route. We need a jacket-sharing app. You walk down to your apartment-building lobby, and there's the ZipJacket rack. You pick your jacket, head over to the restaurant, and leave that shit on the restaurant's ZipJacket track. I would pay at least 30 cents for this service. I am tired of Jacket Angst.



What would the world look like if we, as guys, had to ask permission of the target of our fapping fantasies? Would women open themselves up as targets for a fee?


And what if girls inherently knew if you've ever tasted semen or not?!

Seriously though, this would essentially destroy your ability to fantasize about any girl or woman you know personally, with the possible exception of some angelic town "dream slut" handing out permission slips to guys left and right simply out of charity. The rest of your fapping would be outsourced to porn stars and strippers and "mind hookers" willing to let you daydream about them either for a small fee or for the sake of boosting their online presence. You'd probably have to register on their site to get the go-ahead. BARF. Nothing ruins sex like paperwork.


Every man fears his own thoughts. We think of a lot of nasty shit, and we exert a lot of energy keeping that nasty shit from the rest of humanity, with good reason. I mean, I have some pretty terrible thoughts, so the idea of them LEAKING out into the world is something that would make me want to die. I could not live in this new world where my twisted fantasies require a validation stamp. No thank you. Worst Jim Carrey movie ever. It's off to the monastery with me!


What if the NFL decided to fuck around and put an NFL team in a small, random city? What would be the best place? I was thinking along the lines of Concord, New Hampshire, or Cheyenne, Wyoming. And how big of a fan base could they get?


So a second Packers franchise, right? As much as I hate the Packers, I'd like to see the NFL do this, if only to hear beat reporters piss and moan about a Super Bowl being awarded to Tahlequah, Oklahoma.

Aside from the obvious selling points (longevity, winning, sausage), the Packers are hugely successful because they're located in a football-mad area of the United States (the Midwest), kinda near a big city that can also claim them as their team (Milwaukee), and they don't have to compete too hard with some regional college-football team (U-Wisconsin football has lots of fans, but that ain't SEC country). So where else can you find that kind of Goldilocks zone? I'd vote for any rinky-dink town in Iowa, Oklahoma, New Mexico, inland Southern California, or maybe Kentucky. Put an NFL team in any of those places, and you could eventually build a decent-sized fanbase, so long as Josh McDaniels is NEVER hired to coach them.


The NFL has the great luxury of being able to put a franchise anywhere it likes, so it should. Put one in London. Put one in Fresno. Put one in Mattoon. BEST FANS IN FOOTBALL! The problem is that the NFL would never do this, because any idea that presents the mere possibility of risk is immediately quashed. Also, a second small-town team would have too much local personality for a league that is determined to offer the same bland-ass product everywhere on Earth: luxury stadium, asshole concourse bar, big TVs everywhere, maybe an inflatable slide. They don't want Bob and Jill's Down-Home Team messing with their grand plan to Applebee-cize the world.


The website asked who would be chosen in the first round of a draft if the pool included every NFL player in history. Only problem is, they've used the draft order from this year, which just seemed a bit boring and unsatisfying. I'm English and am also a cricket fan, and we love this pointless list-making shit, but if you're going to do it, do it right. So I was wondering if you or someone you know would be able to tell me what the all-time draft order would be if the teams' all-time win/loss record were taken into account? I realise some franchises have existed for far less time so couldn't have nearly as many wins or losses, so maybe win percentage is a better stat to go off? I'm asking you this because I am so shit at Maths.


Here's your Top 10 draft order going by all-time win/loss percentage:

1. Bucs

2. Texans

3. Cards

4. Falcons

5. Saints

6. Bengals

7. Lions

8. Jets

9. Bills

10. Panthers

Half the teams on that list also have top 10 picks this year, so cheers to the Bills, Falcons, Texans, Bucs, and Lions for staying true to themselves. By the way, any all-time draft that doesn't feature 32 quarterbacks going in the first round is fucking stupid. I saw some all-time draft where Barry Sanders went #2. Barry Sanders was awesome, but that's insane. Johnny Unitas was there, and you grabbed some GLOREEE BOY running back? Running backs are fungible! HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE MATHS?!



I never thought of OJ as a primary breakfast drink... like generally, if it's there, I might dabble with a small glass of it, but I'm always having coffee, chocolate milk, milk, or water as my cleanup. Never going out of my way for a drink that has debris in it. What's your ranking of breakfast drinks?


Orange juice gives me canker sores and mouth phlegm and is a clever ruse by BIG JUICE to convince you that a drink containing 567 grams of sugar per half-cup is somehow good for your long-term health. And yet, stay at any hotel and there will be a warm-ass carafe of the shit sitting at the continental breakfast buffet, and people lap it up. I'm onto you, OJ. I see the shit you're trying to pull. I say the breakfast drinks go like this:

  1. Coffee. Even though I think people that are like OMG I HAVEN'T HAD COFFEE YET I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TIE MY SHOES are just playing it up for drama.
  2. Bloody Mary. I think these are disgusting, but people seem to like them.
  3. Milk
  4. Mimosa. If you live in New York, you will meet women who burst their ovaries anytime they spot mimosas on a brunch menu.
  5. Tea
  6. Grapefruit juice
  7. Seltzer
  8. Water
  9. OJ
  10. Soda. I used to drink Diet Coke in the morning. My old lady thought this was a war crime.
  11. Hot cocoa

"Email of the week" time.


There's a Safeway all of a half-mile from my home which I'm strong-armed into frequenting strictly because of its proximity to my house. But I fucking hate this Safeway. It's grimy (even after some big renovation, weird), they are consistently out of the one thing I came for (how can they run out of Sriracha?), and on several occasions, the asshole behind the register has mis-charged me things. I always save the receipt, by the way, and intend to go back to customer service and raise hell over the $3 discrepancy, but then, naturally, five minutes pass, and I'm over the injustice, mainly because I can rationalize that I waste more than that daily on things like iPhone apps that do nothing they promise to do.

Anyway, my fucking question is this: Why the hell do I keep going back?? There's another one 2.5 miles away of much better quality. I feel like an abused woman.


Once you know the layout, it's hard to start over at some other store, because that doubles your shopping time. But she's right: Safeway blows.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at You can also order Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.


Image by Jim Cooke.

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