What percentage of Bill Simmons’ fame and success is due to Boston’s run of success as a sports town since 2000? If he had been the Atlanta Sports Guy, or if Boston sports had been as inert as Atlanta sports for the last two decades, would he even be a minor player in sports media?


Well, Simmons was well on his way to being a big deal even before the Sox won their first title, and before Boston became Ground Zero for sports fan insufferable-ness across the known universe. So no, I don’t think he owes his career to the Sox or Patriots or Celtics. You could argue that Boston’s insane run of dominance this century has helped goose his profile a little bit, but you could also probably argue the opposite and say that all those titles have only hurt his appeal, and that some people tuned out his homer ass ages ago because of it, and that he’d have an even higher profile right now if he didn’t continually indulge his worst impulses as both a sports fan and as a human being because he’s such an embarrassing, egomaniacal dipshit. You could say such things reasonably.

BUT … I do think it would have hurt him if he had been, like you suggested, the Atlanta Sports Guy, or the Dallas Sports Guy, or some other awful city’s resident Sports Guy. As you’re already well aware, Boston fans make up an insanely disproportionate number of sportswriters, sports media people, political writers, bad actors, and such and such. This is because so many ELITE schools are located in New England, which means they’re disproportionately crammed with shitty little goateed Sox fan students, all of whom then graduate and spread out across the land, getting jobs at the Harvard Lampoon and appearing on each other’s talk shows and essentially operating as an unofficial welfare system for one another.


So yeah, of course the fucking kid who went to Holy Cross somehow got himself a job at ESPN, which just happens to be headquartered in the armpit of Connecticut. It’s not a coincidence. It’s pure incest and anyone who tells you otherwise is a blind idiot. We need to cap this shit. No more famous Boston people for 50 years. Get some Chiefs fans in there or something. That team is tearing up the NFL and I think the only famous fan they have is Len Dawson.

(Actually, Paul Rudd is apparently a huge Chiefs fan, but unlike Boston fans it appears he does not feel compelled to remind the world of this fact every five goddamn seconds.)



Would you rather have a penis in the shape of a broad noodle or would you rather have it shaped like a tuna can? Your penis still all the same usual functions.


Oh, the noodle. I don’t think there’s any choice. I was gonna ask you which way my dick stuck out if it was shaped like a tuna can, but either way is suboptimal because my dick would be a hockey puck. At least my noodle dick would still be relatively straight, like my old dick. I could get used to that. I would not want to have to negotiate a puck dick, regardless of whether the puck stuck out sideways or from the bottom. Just a nightmare all around.


What is the best music to cook to? I would say that Jazz music has to be a top genre because I feel articulate and sophisticated cooking to those kinds of tunes. It adds a background that seems simple to a possibly chaotic world of the culinary arts.


That’s very grown-up of you, and I get where you’re coming from. Let me offer two other suggestions for your listening pleasure. The first is classical music, for obvious reasons. Not only does it make you feel refined and wealthy, but you also get to pretend you host your own PBS show. “Today on COOKING WITH DREWBEAR I’m going to be showing you how to make shitty Old El Paso tacos from a box. Now, for this, you’re gonna need a skillet, a seasoning packet, one pound of contaminated ground beef, a microwave, and no expectations of any sort.”

The other thing I would suggest is Spanish guitar. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you can’t hear it in your head right now… all those pretty finger taps and complex arpeggios dancing around your kitchen as you meticulously prepare a Spanish omelet for one. I like to wiggle my hips a little when I cook to this music, to let everyone know I’m sexy and flirty. NOW I’M COOKIN’ WITH GAS BABY.


Most of the time, I cook to whatever pop and rock I’m listening to at the moment, which I deeply enjoy until the kids turn on the TV and I got two different speakers coming at me at the same time, and then everything is ruined. My youngest son will straight up walk up to my phone and turn my music off without asking me. SO RUDE. I should jail the boy for it. YOU THINK ANYBODY LIKES HEARING YOUR PLAYLIST EITHER, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD?!


Why do you think it is that no major American city besides L.A. (and maybe Miami) seems to have a good college football team located in it?


Because most of the best CFB teams are big-ass state schools that happen to be located in strange podunk towns due to old political skirmishes involving commerce, bribery, corruption, bootlegging, sex, faulty real estate speculation, and all kinds of other amusing shit. I watch a lot of Aerial America, and they always do a flyover of empty college football stadiums, even demonstrably useless ones like Iowa State’s. And the founding story of every college town/state capital is like, “In 1843, an oilman named Corn Bludgefuck petitioned the governor to build a NEW capital in the oilman’s hometown. When the governor balked, Bludgefuck built the capital anyway, using funds stolen from a train heist. ‘I think it the finest capital in the land,’ he cried. Then he shot the governor dead. Today, that ‘new’ capital city of COLUMBUS is still going strong!”

The other thing is that college football still has a paternalistic atmosphere where isolation is promoted as a huge benefit to [hearty chuckle] student-athletes. Coaches, parents, and even players themselves are convinced that a remote, bucolic campus is just what a young mind needs to flourish. The first thing some nutjob like Dabo says when he enters a recruit’s living room is I’LL LOOK AFTER YOUR BOY. He’s gonna take your boy to a secluded campus away from the big scary city and all its distractions, and he’ll keep him confined to two-mile campus radius for all four years, where he can’t get into any trouble. Then your boy will get into a bar fight and Dabo will blame it on a lack of Jesus in video games today.


Anyway, that’s a sales job that has worked for decades. And there’s a bit of truth in it. Who doesn’t like the idea of a college that its own little universe, where everything is perfect and pretty, where everything revolves around the school, and therefore you as well? I remember arriving at college being like I WILL OWN THIS TOWN. I was, uh, mistaken.

Last thing is fan support. Big cities tend to be bastions for pro sports, which means that fan enthusiasm for college football can’t be as rabid as it would be in a place where it’s the only game in town. You need those fans to be fucking INSANE, so that they form booster clubs and launder their small business income through illicit donations to the team hot tub facility so that they don’t have to pay child support. That’s how you build a winning FOOTBAW program. Most big-city schools can’t pull that off. People have other shit to do.



Shouldn’t all links embedded into online articles link out to a new tab? I can’t tell you how many times per day I’m reading something online and click a hyperlink only to have the entire tab load to something else.


Just hit CONTROL as you click the link and it’ll open it in a new tab for you. If you’re on your phone, hold on the link and then it’ll give you the option to open it in a new tab. PRESTO! You are now 30% less homicidal than you were a minute ago. There are greater browser crimes anyway, such as autoplay, articles that sideswipe, and of course articles that reload every five seconds even though you never hit the reload button. That last one, man… That will be what causes me to rip my own face off. HOLD FUCKING STILL YOU STUPID ARTICLE. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to throw shit.


Browns winning percentage:

2016-2017 - .03125

2018 - .3125

It took a tenfold INCREASE in production to get Hue fired!!!!

The standard is the standard.

Email of the week!


Is it OK to scare the hell out of your kids on a regular basis?

My parents used to scare us all the time growing up. They absolutely loved it. One time that sticks out in particular is when I was about 8 years old, me and my sister who was 12 years old at the time and my cousin who is my age, decided to camp out in the backyard. We told my parents our plan and unbeknownst to us, mom went and bought a full-on realistic gorilla costume, with furry gorilla-hand gloves and everything. She then called all of my aunts and uncles and told them what she was going to do. They were not about to miss out on some high quality child-scarring entertainment, so they all came over while my dad took us kids to the store. My mom put on the gorilla costume and hid in the back yard and waited… like a god damn serial killer. My aunts and uncles were hiding not far from her. When it was dark out and we had a fire going and were getting ready to make s’mores, she snuck up behind us and grunted... ALL. HELL. BROKE. LOOSE. Basically, we all instantly shit ourselves and screamed like we were being murdered in the backyard while she chased us around until we finally realized what was going on. I remember I was laying on my back, after my cousin William Perry’d me in the chaos, and I was hyperventilating while screaming (and probably having a mild heart attack) while this gorilla bore down on me. I thought I was going to die before my mom took the mask off so I could see it was her. My dad, aunts and uncles and mom rolled around crying and scream-laughing in the back yard for a good hour after that happened.

It’s definitely something I will never forget.

Do you ever really scare your kids and/or wife?

Not like that. That’s fucked up, man.