I’m told the baseball playoffs start soon, which means another month of magical October baseball magic magicness is upon us, or however a cunt like Ken Burns describes it.
I have no idea who’s in the playoffs this year. Are the Yankees in? They are? Yeah well, fuck them in the hat. Next week, I’ll be writing up our brand new Hater’s Guide to the 2010 MLB playoffs. And I’m enlisting your help this time around. As always, a good Hater’s Guide is filled with horrible invective and astonishing ignorance of its subject matter. I am qualified in all areas to analyze baseball in this manner. I’m not a gay fanboy like Leitch who watches a baseball game and keeps a scorebook and is like WAHHHH MY DADDY’S GONNA DIE ONE DAY!
But I can’t do this alone. Surely, some of you have a deep, long-simmering hatred of the eight teams that will be vying for the ugly bowling trophy they hand out to the World Series champ (six of those teams have already qualified for the LDSes). So if you have anything horrible to say about the contending squads, even the ones that aren’t in yet, please send your screed to me. Here is what I’m looking for:
• Stories about that team’s shitty fans
• Stories and facts about that team’s horrible players
• Stories and facts about that teams piece of shit town (like Cincinnati, which is a piece of shit)
• Mean-spirited comments about a player’s appearance and/or recent struggles with depression or alcoholism
• Swear words, like “cuntstabber”
That should do for now. You have your marching orders. Don’t bother getting all jokey. Don’t try and sound all roastmeistery like Greg Giraldo, because you probably suck at it. Just hate from your heart. Now get hatin’.