Hey, Jerry Jones, the Eagles' and Rams’ Super Bowl formulas are very different

The Dallas Cowboys owner is confused, which isn’t news, but why he’s confused is

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Jerry Jones
Jerry Jones
Image: AP

Jerry Jones is so far into his own head that he’s paralyzed by fear (or the effects of old age). In one of Jones’ many rambling interviews where he talks Dallas football, the Cowboys owner said it’s “pretty impressive” that the L.A. Rams and Philadelphia Eagles have made the Super Bowl after going all in, but he prefers to think “long term.”

Nevermind that Philly is under the cap, has two first-round picks this year, and is primed for success this season and beyond, Jones’ logic was characteristically folksy yet disorienting. So let’s do some story time with Uncle Jerry. (I don’t know what specifically is so off-putting about the term “Uncle Jerry,” and I can’t put my finger on why it’s not politically correct, so I’m going to leave it.)

Jerry Jones according to Jerry Jones

Technically, it’s according to CBS Sports, so let’s give them attribution. Now the full quote.

“Anybody who thinks I won’t take a chance has misread the tea leaves, but I do think longer term, and I’m real hesitant to bet it all for a year. There’s a lot of things that can happen for that year. In essence, we’re seeing a couple of teams [the Los Angeles Rams and Philadelphia Eagles] that have had some real success putting it all out there and paying for it later. Don’t think that doesn’t pop in my head and get my eye as far as doing it, and I know how to do that. It’s part of what you put in that computer and what comes out. We’ll see how it comes, but that’s pretty impressive to have two teams in the last two years empty the bucket and get to the Super Bowl. But if you miss, it’s a long go.

“On the other hand, my general experience has been that if you will stay aggressive, I’m talking whether it’s on the field or off the field, but you pick your shots with risk-taking, and I’ve spent a lot of time in my life doing that. When they cut me open, it will be all those scars, heart attacks, for all those risks I took and the years I spent paying for them. My point is, I do know how to take risks. They are absolutely right. We have been in the middle here for a few years, but I like where we are right now, more in the middle. But given the opportunity, if it would make some sense, I’ve definitely got some risk-taking in me.”

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The All 22 of everything Jerry said

Alright, quick breakdown because there’s a lot going on here, and barely any of it makes sense.

“Anybody who thinks I won’t take a chance has misread the tea leaves, but I do think longer term, and I’m real hesitant to bet it all for a year.”

Predictable cliche to start, and I would agree that he’s been mostly risk-averse lately. That’s probably why Jason Garrett stayed around five years too many, and why Mike McCarthy got brought on as a full-blown yes-man. (The latter is taking over the playcalling next year, and I couldn’t be more excited.) Still going to need an explanation for those Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott contracts though.

“There’s a lot of things that can happen for that year. In essence, we’re seeing a couple of teams [the Los Angeles Rams and Philadelphia Eagles] that have had some real success putting it all out there and paying for it later.”

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Yes, the Rams have been the standard of immediate gratification since realizing Sean McVay could bring them a title, but the Eagles — and again fuck them — rebuilt as well as possible since the last Super Bowl team crumbled.

“Don’t think that doesn’t pop in my head and get my eye as far as doing it, and I know how to do that. It’s part of what you put in that computer and what comes out.”

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Good lord, Jerry. Phrasing, phrasing, phrasing. Also, it sounds like he’s using the ESPN trade machine to think up deals, which makes a lot of sense.

“We’ll see how it comes, but that’s pretty impressive to have two teams in the last two years empty the bucket and get to the Super Bowl. But if you miss, it’s a long go.”

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You better mortgage Dallas’ future pretty soon because that’s the only way you’re getting back to a Super Bowl much less winning it before Ladera at The Reserve has your retirement suite made up.

“On the other hand, my general experience has been that if you will stay aggressive, I’m talking whether it’s on the field or off the field, but you pick your shots with risk-taking, and I’ve spent a lot of time in my life doing that.”

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OK, that’s just… unintelligible.

“When they cut me open, it will be all those scars, heart attacks, for all those risks I took and the years I spent paying for them.”

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The only thing they’re going to find during your autopsy, if they find anything at all, is a heart resembling that of the Grinch’s. Speaking of paying for things, how long did you pay for attending a pro-segregation rally? A week? Two weeks? People don’t forget.

“My point is, I do know how to take risks. They are absolutely right.”

You covered this. The magical elves in the computer tell you what to do.

“We have been in the middle here for a few years, but I like where we are right now, more in the middle.”

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Ask your fans if they like where the team is. And the fact that you think the middle is a great place to be — for nearly 30 years — is everything that’s wrong with this organization.

“But given the opportunity, if it would make some sense, I’ve definitely got some risk-taking in me.”

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Nothing you said made sense. You sound like Jack Nicholson in The Bucket List. For fuck’s sake. We’re not talking about skydiving, Jerry.

And this has been another edition of storytime with Uncle Jerry.