As the first week of LeBron Watch comes to a close, even the president of the United States is weighing in on the important matter, urging the King to come to Chicago.
My pal and Cleveland homey Joe Posnanski is the best mainstream sportswriter in the land and a terrific blogger to boot. But his entry about Barack Obama wooing LeBron James on behalf of his hometown Chicago Bulls was way too sunny and mild. That's Poz, though: a sweet and gentle man.
That's not me.
Twice now — once through David Axelrod, his mustachioed penis, and again in an interview with the toupeed panty slave Marv Albert — POTUS has declared that James and the Bulls would be a nice tight fit. And so I want to say — as someone who actually donated money to his campaign — "Fuck you, Mister President. Fuck. You."
See, Posnanski says that "Cleveland will go on with or without (James)," and technically, of course, that's true. But it's not true for the Cavaliers. Nobody's going to buy seats to see the JumboTron belch flames at Quicken Loans Arena if Anderson Varejao is the face of the franchise. Dan Gilbert is a great owner — and a billionaire who understands how famished for joy the fans in Cleveland are — but he's hardly a stupid man; he knows the market isn't big or rich enough to support a losing franchise.
All he has to do is look across the street, where the Indians play. Once upon a time, they sold out every game; now they're bleeding money, and desperately converting unsold luxury suites to "Fan Caves." If LeBron goes, it could spell an endless nuclear winter for major-league sports in Cleveland.
I don't expect Obama or the rest of America to give a shit what happens to Cleveland. I don't think, despite all the pretty words after Katrina hit, many folks outside of New Orleans and Sean Penn's hut truly care much about New Orleans. That human nature is essentially selfish shouldn't be news to anyone above the age of two. The news is that Barack Obama is essentially an Ivy League asshat, and I want my $400 back.
Scott Raab is a graduate of Cleveland State University and the University of Iowa Writers' Workshop. He has been a Writer at Large for Esquire magazine since 1997. He lives in New Jersey with his wife and son.
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