Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Let's Cast The ESPN Movie!

Illustration for article titled Lets Cast The ESPN Movie!

Yesterday, James Andrew Miller, one of the co-authors of the ESPN oral history Those Guys Have All The Fun, announced on Twitter that a movie of the book is currently in the works, and that he's writing the script. We're hoping the script features some suit telling Keith Olbermann to turn in his badge and gun if he's not willing to play by the rules, or Bill Simmons chasing down a bad guy on top of a bullet train, or pretty much anything else that isn't about petty office politics as played by dim people stuck in the middle of Connecticut, because holy shit would that suck. Still, forget about whether or not you would actually like to watch a movie based on a book that's essentially a hagiography about the formation of a corporation designed to get you to argue about whether or not Joe Flacco is elite, or even one that features a gun-waving Linda Cohn trying to decide which of two Dick Vitales is the real one and which is the one she should shoot. For the sake of this post, let's do some dream casting:

  • Chris Berman: Danny DeVito
  • Bill Simmons: Eli Roth doing his terrible Inglourious Basterds accent
  • J-Bug: Turtle
  • Keith Olbermann: Someone who stops at nothing to alienate everyone around him ... MAYBE CHARLIE SHEEN?
  • Dan Patrick: One of the guys from Sports Night
  • Charlie Steiner: Danny McBride
  • Dick Vitale: Larry David
  • Tony Kornheiser: Larry David (he plays two roles)
  • John Walsh: The corpse of Richard Griffiths
  • Colin Cowherd: A donkey
  • Michael Wilbon: Chi McBride
  • Jason Whitlock: Martin Lawrence in his Big Momma's House fatsuit
  • Jason Whitlock's couch: A really big couch
  • Mike Golic: Bob Golic
  • Lee Corso: Michael Douglas, but with the Liberace wig
  • Mike Ditka: A brisket that's been sitting out for a day
  • Tom Mees: Dennis Wilson
  • Bob Ley: One of the Bridges. Not the cool one.
  • Sean Salisbury: Shia LeBeouf
  • Dana Jacobson: Amanda Bynes (not sober)
  • Stephen A. Smith: Skip Bayless in blackface
  • Skip Bayless: Stephen A. Smith in whiteface
  • Scott Van Pelt: The killer from Manhunter
  • Herm Edwards: A butt. Like, a butt, but it can talk.
  • Merril Hoge: Tracy Morgan
  • Lou Holtz: Mickey Rooney
  • Hank Goldberg: Jonah Hill (fat Jonah only)
  • Jon Gruden: A dog named Jake wearing a bandana
  • Woody Paige: NOLTE
  • Mike Tirico: Terence Howard

Anyone we missed? Have at it.

Photo by General Photographic Agency/Getty


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