Live Blog: White Sox vs. Red Sox, Game 1

If you're still stuck at work at 4 p.m., or if you're any further west yonder down the country, we are here to help. After a surprisingly stressful Cardinals-Padres live blog, we're back to do the same for the Red Sox and White Sox. Email us and let us know your thoughts.

Bookmark this page and keep reloading throughout the game. Occasionally we'll be checking in on Wrigley Field, just to make sure they're not playing any playoff games there. Should be fun.

(Live Blog Begins After The Jump)

TOP OF THE NINTH: Varitek: Out. Olerud doubles off the wall in a fashion that almost kills center fielder Aaron Rowland. Bill Mueller pops out to the first baseman.

Tony Graffanino, just to be a rascal, hits a DEEP drive to right ... and it's caught. Pretty much sums up the whole game, minus the, you know, ritualistic pounding. Boy, not a good day to be a Red Sox fan.

We'll see you tomorrow. Enjoy those "Yankees," as they're known.

FINAL: White Sox 14, Red Sox 2.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH: A housekeeping note for anyone actually still checking this: We'll be live-blogging the Braves-Astros game tomorrow, starting at 4 p.m. ET. We have stuff we have to do around 7:15, though, so root for a quick game.

Dammit, quit hitting homers, Pierzynski. We can't take cutting and pasting your name. Not a good start for Bronson Arroyo, who came into relieve. Well, at least he has some people to provide him comfort.

Arroyo keeps walking people. Please make him stop it. Another hit, another run.

White Sox 14, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE EIGHTH: Watching David Ortiz run the bases is funny. Uh, for the record, we might pinch run for him right now. Just to be safe. He's kind of important to the Red Sox, we think.

After 7 2/3 of dominating, Contreras is pulled. We mean that literally; he was pulled by an orderly, in a wheelchair.

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH: As tends to happen in 12-2 games, we're looking ahead to tomorrow. David Wells is pitching for the Red Sox, and he's gonna get the gut booed off him; he was horrible and lazy for the White Sox. He's facing Mark Buerhle. The last time Wells was part of such a big game, it was the 2003 World Series, when he begged out because of back problems. Hmmm.

Whoa! Just heard that Padres' starter Jake Peavy is out for the season with a broken rib. Ouch. That would be called a "bad start to the series." Thoughts, Gas Lamp Ball?

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE SEVENTH: The last time the Red Sox had a hit, we were clean-shaven. Now? Well, we're still clean-shaved. But we have a hard time growing body hair.

From a reader, about the glory that is Chris Berman:

"Jesus Christ. Chris Berman: "We have ourselves an official blow-out." At least I don't have to listen to Tim Effing McCarver. One more gem: "If only the bears could score like this." Is he retarded?"

That's 10 in a row by Contreras. Great moments in advertising: For the third consecutive half-inning, Berman's blatherings have been cut off by a commercial.

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH: Leadoff walk to Aaron Rowland and then a hit-by-pitch. Always fun when that happens while down by six runs.

One out later, a hit by Juan Uribe brings home a run. And then, to the melodic stylings of Chris Berman screaming, "The Podsednik Adventure Has Set Sail!" — Scott Podsednik pounds a three-run homer, and this game is TOAST. That's Podsednik's first home run of the year, by the way.

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE SIXTH: More highlights from SOSH: "Sucking choking losers. I RENOUNCE THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP! I RENOUNCE THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!"

From someone named "Morass Of Negativity: "What an asshat this guy is. I've never seen a guy spit the bit as badly as Clement. He's literally pissing himself out there. Pussy. Too bad he didnt get knocked out of the game with a bruised whatever..."

"Matt Clement is a skinny pussy toad. It would be awesome if Henry wouldn't let him fly back to Boston with the team."

We don't mean to pick on Sons Of Sam Horn, who, after all, are the most loyal, rabid, most influencial group of fans on the Web. But they're also the most brutal, which is why we can't help but point them out. (It's worth noting too that this ranting would never fly on one of SOSH's main board threads. But we feek kind of dirty knowing that.)

Sox go down in order again. Contreras is pitching pretty well for a guy who once slept with Lady Bird Johnson.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is being interviewed. We'd give anything to hear him drop a "fuckers" here.

Bradford is cruising. The chapter on him in Moneyball is still our favorite. We're still certain he gets rugburns when he pitches on turf. Perfect time to take him out, by the way. Kind of weird that the Comiskey Fans gave him the "shah-na-na-na" chat as he left. He didn't let a runner on base. That's a taunt? "Ya holla 1-8-7 with mah dick in yo mouth, bitch." That's a taunt.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE FIFTH: Meat of Red Sox order goes down 1-2-3. Totally not a good sign.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH: We wish A.J. Pierzynski would stop doing things of note — he just doubled to right to lead off the inning — because we're not nearly as good at spelling his name as we are at spelling Mark Grudzielanek's.

After a fly out, Juan Uribe — not to be confused with Jose Uribe/Jose Gonzalez of about a decade-plus ago — jacks one over the left-field wall, and the White Sox have those runs right back. Pretty shocking Clement's still in there. Oh, hey, here comes Francona! We can actually hear Red Sox fans booing from our couch. Or maybe that's just gas.

We love watching Chad Bradford pitch. Though when you pitch like that, do you really need a goatee? He shuts down the last two hitters.

Hey, look, an ad for Simmons' book! About five seconds long, but an ad, anyway.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE FOURTH: Checking in with the Sons Of Sam Horn guys again: "Anybody catch the video in between innings of the grounds crew spreading sawdust on the mound to cover the shit that Clement left??"

But here come the Red Sox. Trot Nixon singles to right, then Jason Varitek bunted down third, which third baseman Joe Crede pulls his Neil Rackers imitation on and booted it behind the catcher. Second and third, no out.

Wild pitch, run scores. We're still in the fourth inning after all. Kevin Miller lashes a double into right, scoring another one. Piazza — who's not such a bad broadcaster, by the way — says Millar "had a plan for that at-bat." A Red Sox friend chimes in: "i can assure you of one thing: millar did not have a plan."

Things that are funny: Watching Kevin Millar try to beat out a throw. Uh, out. Graffanino hits into a fielder's choice, which is definitively the most boring play in sports to write about. Damon strikes out to end the "rally."

White Sox 6, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD: From a reader about Red Sox manager Terry Francona's interview with ESPN right now: "This interview is everything you ever needed to know about terry francona compressed to 30 seconds. my friend matt just punched a wall." We just love that he called Chris Berman "Boomer." Only in sports do grown men call other grown men "Boomer."

After Jermaine Dye's warning-track fly out to left just now, you could hear the disappointment in Berman's voice after he said his first, "Back!" once he realized the ball was hit too short to necessitate further "Back!"s.

Fortunately for him, Paul Konerko took care of that for him on the very next pitch, smashing it over the left field wall.

White Sox 6, Red Sox 0

TOP OF THE THIRD: Tony Graffanino — still can't believe he's starting for the defending World Champs, by the way — leads off with a double. We didn't know A.J. Pierzynski and Johnny Damon went to school together. No way those guys haven't gotten stoned together before. Damon looked kind of stoned taking that third strike right there, by the way.

Edgar Renteria grounds out. David Ortiz dinks a little grounder that falls in that grey area of the shift and reaches. Manny Ramirez could make this more fun to write about right here.

Grounder to third. Commentator Mike Piazza sounds audibly disappointed. Do you think he took broadcast lessons from Sam Champion?

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND: With one out, Podsednik singles to left. We cut to an interview with Frank Thomas, who threw out the first pitch tonight. (He's out for the playoffs; every time the White Sox make a postseason, that guy is either hurt, or they cancel the damned World Series. Poor fella.)

Podsednik is thrown out stealing, Iguchi flies to center, Leitch starting to lack all feeling in his fingers.

Erin Andrews is very pink, by the way.

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

TOP OF THE SECOND: Fun from the guys at Sons Of Sam Horn: "I honestly do not ever want to see this fucktard in a Sox uniform again. What a pile of shit, Way to cower like a pussy once the pressure gets on. I hope you are destined to a career with the Devil Dogs and the KC Royals from here on out you piece of crap." What was it Bill Simmons said about a five-year grace period?

Kevin Millar, with a runner on first, takes a low pitch for strike three. Some fat man with an unbuttoned shirt and an old-school White Sox hat jumps up to swing a towel in the air while his wife looks on, horrified. We are 95 percent sure we went to high school with that guy. Grounder to second ends the inning.

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST: Is it just us, or does Matt Clement look like the the type of guy who would purposely throw at hitters' toes? It's not just the facial hair either; he looks like it's something he might have done as a kid too. He hits Scott Podsednik in the foot, who is bunted to second by Isatekasdfaahu Iguchi.

Here's hoping Jermaine Dye doesn't break his freaking leg this year. Ha! He just got hit in the ankle! What did we tell you?

Podsednik steals third. Paul Konerko misses a home run by five feet. He then hits into a fielder's choice to score a run. It doesn't really matter what Carl Everett does, because dinosaurs never walked the earth, and because dinosaurs never walked the earth, we're through the looking glass here, white is black, black is white, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. It's wild here. (OK, fine, he singled to right.)

Then Aaron Rowand rips a single to left, and you can hear the moans of Yawkey Way from here.

And then ... Smilin' A.J. Pierzynski smashes a three-run homer to the opposite field. 5-0 White Sox!

Cogent analysis from an instant message from a Red Sox fan friend of ours:

"FUCK YOU clement. fuck you fucking shit. what a fucking waste."

Lord, how we've missed playoff baseball.

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

TOP OF THE FIRST INNING: Well, Chris Berman is calling the game, so at least we won't have to hear any overblown catchphrases.

Speaking of Berman, it's terrifying to hear him say the phrase, "he fists that one into right." Don't like him using that verb. At all. Edgar Renteria sneaks a cheap double.

It has gotten to the point that when David Ortiz strikes out, the announcers have to exclaim, "Wow!" That's pretty amazing. Manny Ramirez grounds to third, and America is shocked by a scoreless first.

White Sox 0, Red Sox 0