Locker Page 1253 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
In Which We Honor Christmas By Watching Basketball
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: "Now, Heatsicles! Now, Knickerbockers! Now, Celtics and Magic! On, Kobe! On, LeBron! On, games on later that seem oh-so-tragic!" So please, talk amongst yourselves as Mariah Carey loops all afternoon....
Armed Agent Zero Confuses Wizards With Bullets
We interrupt your Christmas caroling for this: Gilbert Arenas is under NBA investigation for stashing firearms in his locker. Apparently, that might violate the league's gun policy. Plus, Washington D.C. owns strict anti-gun laws. What's the excuse?...
Ray Allen Is Having Some Issues With Twitter
Followers of Ray Allen's Twitter account must have been shocked by the sudden X-rated turn that his tweets took last night—a brief, masturbation-filled snafu that he blames on hackers....
Your Nightly Athlete Backside
This male rear nudity is becoming a disturbing trend. This edition's exhibitionist: Shannon Brown, who probably wishes the players could change before the media enter the locker room....
Dwight Howard's Baby Mama Has No Right To Be Proud Of Her Son
Howard is suing the mother of his child for violating their parenting agreement by posting photos of their 2-year-old on her Twitter. This sets a disturbing precedent for any future custody battle over Chris Cooley's penis. [Orlando Sentinel]...
Dennis Rodman Slays Bankruptcy, Addiction, Lousy Raffle Prizes In One Fell Swoop
Rodman is raffling off his buddy's $3 million mansion, to save that friend's credit rating. Proceeds go to a local Christian Mission/addiction treatment center. No word on if this squares any tabs he might have there. [Rodman Raffle]...
Happy Yulemas From The Pasty Basketball Elves
The Basketball Jones would like wish you a Merry Christmas (none of that Happy Holidays nonsense!) via everyone's favorite musical medium—NBA-themed caroling. Nothing says "jolly" like a Dirk Nowitzki dirge....
Last Minute Gift Ideas: Kobe's Prom Picture
In case you forgot, Kobe Bryant took pop singer Brandi to Lower Merion's senior prom back in the day when "back in the day" was still gangsta and three-finger snaps were still used for emphasis. For $3,000, it's yours....
Last Night's Winner: Tyreke Evans' Shorts
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Sacramento Kings, who showed up two-and-a-half quarters late (like the fans at a Miami Heat game) and still managed to pull out a win....
No, Shaq Didn't
Like many of you, I went to elementary school, high school and college. I took such and such classes, earned such and such grades, and amassed such and such degrees....
Freed Darko
Milicic and his 0.67 ppg is taking his basketball and going home to Europe after this season. We'd declare him officially a bust, but common consensus already declared that six years ago. [NY Post]...
NFL Network Can Suffer A Rancid Amputation – Your Christmasaroo
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed....
Lies, Damned Lies, And Statistics
You'll never guess who John Hollinger's PER says is the best player in the NBA. Normally I'd be giving it away by running his picture, but I'll still bet you have no idea who this is. [Daily Thunder]...
Glenn Beck Is (Gasp!) Right About Football Helmets
Professional lunatic Glenn Beck has argued—based on this article in the Wall Street Journal—that football helmets are evil, because they make players reckless and, eventually, crippled. It's pains me to say so....but he has a point....
Follow In Flip Saunders' Footsteps, If That's What You Want To Do With Your Life
ESPN is teaming up with the Wizards to allow you to design an inbounds play for them. If your submission doesn't immediately lead to a turnover, they'll probably name you head coach. [ESPN]...
Shock: Man Who Once Likened Airplanes To Time Machines Was Heavy Into Drugs
The great Marvin "I ain't getting on no time machine" Barnes tells Chris Tomasson he made roughly $50,000 a week selling weed during his playing days. Oh, and he did some drugs, too. [FanHouse]...
Your Voting Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad
The early All-Star balloting numbers are in, and it looks like another year of the usual suspects: Kobe, LeBron, D-Wade, T-Mac...*record scratch*...
White Men Can Jump To Conclusions
A few days ago, ESPN's Outside the Lines did another of those features in which everyone puts on his Concerned Face and talks very gravely about Serious Things. Like, for instance, why there aren't more white dudes in the NBA....
Sacramento Kings Solve All Their Woes With Dollar Beer Night
The Sacramento NBA team will be appearing on ESPN (national television!) for the first time in two years next week, and they want to make their return extra-super special. How to do that? A packed house of stone cold drunks....
The Five Stages Of Football Grief. Jamboroo, Week 14
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed....