Mark Sanchez Is Poised ... To Be A Whiffenpoof

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• The Bulls defeated a LeBron-less Cavaliers squad to pull into a tie with the Raptors for the final playoff spot in the east. It's an unorthodox coaching move, but I have a feeling benching LeBron is just the sort of thing that will get the Magic to the Finals.

• Butler's Brad Stevens signed a contract extension that will trap keep him in Indianapolis until 2022. Terms were undisclosed, but it's enough to cover a fake ID and several cases of Bacardi Silver.

• Gerald W. Willis, inventor of The Whizzinator, was sentenced yesterday. Ricky Williams, Michael Phelps, Damon Stoudamire, et al respectfully did a gargantuan bong rip and continued their Robot Chicken marathon.

• The above photo comes via our pals at Guanabee. Capt. Poise was visiting Yale with his brother, Nick.

*****

Rise and shine, sleepyheads. It's Friday! Coffee's over there, but take your time.