Report: Donald Trump Cobbles Together A Cast Of Sports Dickheads For GOP Convention

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Donald Trump, a pile of faux-leather designer handbag knockoffs, has compiled a murderers’ row of sports figures for next month’s Republican National Convention in Cleveland. Bloomberg Politics reports that Mike Tyson, Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, and NASCAR CEO Brian France have all chosen to shed whatever dignity they have left and make appearances.

Earlier this month, Trump voiced his desire to have “winners” at the convention, and said that he was “thinking about getting some of the great sports people who like me a lot.” His campaign has pulled enough strings to net a convicted rapist, a clueless CEO, and two pricks.

Trump’s used to defending Tyson, who served three years in prison after being convicted of raping Desiree Washington. During a stop in April in Indianapolis—where Tyson served his sentence—Trump bragged about getting Tyson’s approval.

“Mike Tyson endorsed me,” Trump told the crowd. “I love it. He sent out a tweet. Mike. Iron Mike. You know, all the tough guys endorse me. I like that, OK?

“But Mike said, ‘I love Trump. I endorse Trump.’ And that’s the end. I’m sure he doesn’t know about your economic situation in Indiana. But when I get endorsed by the tough ones, I like it, because you know what? We need toughness now. We need toughness.”


Reasonable people might find themselves baffled by Trump’s professed policies, particularly given his lack of any political experience. But reasonable people would not then publicly endorse Trump for president. France is not a reasonable person.

Then, the assholes. There’s a bad-takes-on-Ferguson asshole, who’s also the leaves-his-cigar-on-car-seats asshole. There’s also the chair-throwing asshole, who’s also the loves-a-good-rape-metaphor asshole, as well as the enough-incidents-to-merit-a-completely-straightfaced-list-of-everything-he’s-done asshole. Maybe Trump is hoping he’ll seem better by comparison.


Bloomberg’s sources didn’t know the specific convention plans for this Mount Rushmore from a horrific alternate universe, but they claimed the list of celebrities is still growing. There’s still a chance Tom Brady, Dana White, and Ben Roethlisberger could make an appearance, though the latter seems like a long shot.