Your morning roundup for April 4, the day an orangutan threw up.
•Time for the annual Three-Games-Into-The-Season MLB Awards:
"We're going 162-0" Division: Phillies, Rangers, Reds.
"Somehow also 3-0" division: Orioles.
"Premature panic" division: Red Sox, Rays, Brewers.
"Warranted panic" division: Astros.
"Game postponed due to wintry mix" division: Rockies and Diamondbacks.
•The Lakers had nine straight wins. They ran into the Nuggets' sixth win in a row. That's 15-4 since the trade for Denver, who are locked in on the fifth seed and an intriguing first round matchup with OKC.
•Speaking of that trade: the Knicks are in the playoffs. They clinched their first appearance in seven years with a win over Cleveland. The Knicks move to 1-3 against Cleveland on the year, so, baby steps.
•Shaq returned to the Celtics lineup for the first time in two months, played five minutes, and promptly strained his calf.
•Texas A&M with the big-time upset of Stanford in the Final Four. I couldn't find the go-ahead layup with three seconds left, because no one records women's Final Four games. But here are Aggies and friends celebrating on the court.
•Notre Dame with the bigger-time upset of UConn, for just the Huskies' second loss of the season. This despite Maya Moore's 36 points. She can look forward to a fruitful career of playing for some WNBA team, than a European in the winter to make ends meet.
•Phil Mickelson wins the Shell Houston Open in a tune-up for next week's Masters. It's his first win since..last year's Masters. (Lefty wins majors now, remember?)
•Novak Djokovic might be the best tennis player in the world right now. Undefeated on the year, he came back to top Rafael Nadal at Key Biscayne. Thus concludes our tennis coverage until Serena Williams says or does anything.
•Who wouldn't want to own a muffin pan owned by Cy Young?
•If March Madness were contested by average penis size, how would it have played out? (Morehead St. is surprisingly nowhere to be seen.)
(Photo from the 10th Annual Michael Jordan Celebrity Invitational)
A few stories you might've missed this weekend.
Spermatozoa: Soon to be the most highly sought after item in memorabilia circles, you can now own a giant novelty sperm signed by Chipper Jones.
Advantage: Oregon's cockamamie court paint job obscured the half-court line, and cost Creighton a CBI Title Game.
Reply All: In case anyone forgot the Lions are the worst franchise in sports, they reminded us by emailing their list of pre-draft visits to the entire league.
Precociousness: The nine-year-old Japanese Messi should be happy he's that, and not the nine-year-old Japanese Adu.