Soccer Page 208 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
France's World Cup Celebration Party Was Wonderfully Joyous
Yesterday, France beat the Netherlands in a fairly meaningless international match. While the match itself didn’t matter, it did have the distinction of being the first time the French national team had returned to their home stadium since this summer’s glorious World Cup victory. To commemorate the...
Philadelphia Union Introduce New Mascot, A Snake With Arms And Legs, Which Are Like The Most Important Things A Snake Doesn't Have
In their ninth MLS season, the Philadelphia Union finally (finally) have a mascot. It seems like mere days ago he was a giant egg at the Philadelphia Zoo, which at least indicated that he was not a mammal, or was at least a monotreme. Today, we all got the big news:...
Nicklas Bendtner Decked A Cabbie And Broke His Jaw
Former Arsenal player and cult-favorite shithead Nicklas Bendtner famously once unbuckled his pants, rubbed his junk up against a taxi, and then spanked the presumably titillated but bewildered vehicle with his just-removed belt in a fit of anger aimed at the cab’s driver. On Sunday, Bendtner was on...
Here’s Every Goal In Manchester United Women’s 12-0 Rout
Manchester United formed a women’s team again this year, thirteen years after the club disbanded its previous women’s squad. The team won its first game and lost its second in the FA Women’s League Cup. Today United played its first game in the FA Women’s Championship, the new second-tier league in ...
Some Common Goalkeeping Mistakes Aren't Actually Mistakes
It’s not really surprising that an eccentric position played by only one-tenth of a sport’s population and operating under a completely different rule set is relatively overlooked and misunderstood. That’s not always a major problem. After all, a goalkeeper’s job boils down to “Keep the ball out of ...
Cascading Series Of Fuckups Leads To Thrilling Game-Winning Goal
Here we have an example of the redemptive power of never giving up, from the Tajik Cup. After a defender for Lokomotiv Pamir booted a long clearance, FC Istiklol Dushanbe’s goalkeeper made the critical mistake of getting fancy with his interception, trying to turn and kick the ball across the middle...
Dumbass Plan To Play La Liga Match In The U.S. Already Looks Like A Disaster
La Liga’s money-grubbing ploy to bring a league match to the U.S. every year always sounded like just about the stupidest idea imaginable. With each additional revelation about the deal, we’re getting a clearer picture of just how moronic and incompetent the plan and the planners behind it truly are...
Uganda's Answer To Rob Ford Is Somehow Even Less Athletic<em></em>
Moses Ali is the 79-year-old first deputy prime minister of Uganda. He is also enormously fat and wildly unathletic. Following in the footsteps of another politician who possessed a considerable girth and a dearth of athleticism, Ali embarrassed himself while trying to execute a routine physical mot...
Inter Miami CF Continues MLS's Proud Tradition Of Barfy European Cosplay
David Beckham’s Mosaic trek through the American sports grifter desert as he seeks to realize his MLS team ownership dream has come another step closer to reality. We now know what to call this allegedly imminent franchise, and it’s a name as nauseatingly cosplayish as we’ve come to expect:...
Brilliant Italian Soccer Man Scores Just The Coolest Goddamn Goal
Serie A side Sampdoria kicked the dicks off their Napoli counterparts Sunday afternoon. They were already up 2–0 in the 75th minute when a free kick smashed off the Napoli line and eventually pinged over Bartosz Bereszyński, who sent a hard and low cross toward teammate Fabio Quagliarella. Have a lo...
Atletico Madrid B Captain Takes Bite Out Of New Real Madrid Signing
When 18-year-old Brazilian forward Vinícius Júnior was signed to Real Madrid on a €45 million transfer this summer, there was probably some expectation on his end that his footballing life would change for the better....
Manchester United Fans Went Full Arsenal With This Fly-Over Banner
Manchester United are not having a great season so far. They’ve managed to earn just three points in their first three games, manager José Mourinho is reaching a breaking point, and Graeme Souness is getting the dog whistle out early....
Tottenham's Son Heung-Min Avoids Compulsory Military Service With South Korean Gold Medal At Asian Games
Here’s some happy news, especially for Tottenham fans and, uhh, the friends and family of members of South Korea’s national soccer team: Forward Son Heung-min, facing two years of compulsory service in the South Korean military, has earned an exemption via the only route available—a gold medal in th...
Usain Bolt Is A Soccer Player Now And He's Actually Not Terrible
Usain Bolt may have retired from track, but he hasn’t given up sports entirely. He is currently signed to a trial contract with the Central Coast Mariners, an Australia A-League team, trying to realize his dream of becoming a pro soccer player. He made his official debut in a preseason friendly last...
José Mourinho Is Still Talking That Good Shit
Look, I don’t know how much time he has left as the manager of Manchester United, and so I am begging you to enjoy José Mourinho in full Meltdown Mode while you still can. It really is one of the greatest shows in sports....
Here Is The Champions League Group Stage Draw
The group stage draw for this year’s Champions League tournament was just completed this morning, and now it is time to find out which teams have been unfairly boned and which teams were clearly the beneficiaries of a rigged lottery....
It's Time For A Better Conversation About Goalkeeping
Goalkeepers have no business existing in soccer. Maintaining an entire class of players whose job is to snuff the joy out of a game is absurd, and strapping on gloves to play a sport that prohibits the use of the hands is blasphemy. In defiance of not just strikers, but more or less everyone, the ke...
Why Don't More Soccer Teams Scoop Up Easy Goals From Cool Free-Kick Routines Like This?
PAOK scored the first goal of their Champions League qualifying match against a superior Benfica team off of a neat little coordinated free-kick routine. Watch the goal above, because it’s cool, and then ponder the following: What is it about free goals that have the big tough soccer boys afraid of ...
Clint Dempsey Is An Intractable Asshole Who Never Backed Down From Anyone
After playing professional soccer for 15 years, Clint Dempsey—celebrated striker and guy who broke John Terry’s face—is retiring at age 35 from both the Seattle Sounders and the United States national team. The Sounders posted a statement detailing Dempsey’s long and successful career; Deuce, chara...
Javier Pastore Escaped His Gilded Cage And Is Back Doing Crazy Shit On The Field
If you were to name a poster boy for the phenomenon of promising young talents who join the game’s richest clubs only to find themselves spending more time watching soccer than playing it, Javier Pastore would be a perfectly credible choice. Now, after finally deciding to step out from the bejeweled...