Soccer Page 209 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
High School Soccer Player Scores Wondergoal With His Butt
Aside from the arms, every part of the human body is fair game when it comes to scoring goals in soccer. We’ve seen Clint Dempsey score with his dick, and Chicharito score off his face. But it takes a true visionary to turn away from the action, thrust out your hips, and do it with the butt....
FIFA Screws Up Ticket Sales For Women's World Cup, Does Terrible Job At Apologizing
Soccer fans who purchased tickets to attend the Women’s World Cup in France this summer were finally able to download their pre-ordered tickets on Monday. Many who had bought groups of tickets were understandably pissed off at discovering that not all of their seats would be together....
Arsenal's Henrikh Mkhitaryan Will Not Play In Europa League Final Because UEFA Can't Guarantee His Safety
Arsenal announced on Tuesday that star midfielder Henrikh Mkhitaryan will not be joining the club in Baku, Azerbaijan for the Europa League final against Chelsea due to safety concerns, depriving the London club one of its best players for what seem to be entirely avoidable reasons....
Be Horrified By Manchester City For The Right Reasons
On Saturday, Watford were set alight and consumed by flames in the latest sacrificial ritual attesting to the almighty powers of Manchester City. The smoke from that immolation announced City as champions of the F.A. Cup, winners of the first domestic treble in English soccer history, and legitimate...
Gareth Bale Deserved Better
As Real Madrid’s worst domestic season since the turn of the century came to a close under a chorus of boos from the Bernabéu faithful, Gareth Bale sulked. As was all too common during this miserable season, Bale was purely a spectator for Madrid’s 0-2 loss to Real Betis, watching from the bench but...
Soccer Referee Dies After Suffering Heart Attack During A Match In Bolivia
Víctor Hugo Hurtado was refereeing Sunday’s Bolivian first division match between Always Ready and Oriente Petrolero when he collapsed on the pitch midgame due to a reported heart attack. Stadium support staff took Hurtado to a local hospital, where the 31-year-old suffered another heart attack and ...
Suso Channels His Inner Messi With A Near-Perfect Free Kick To Keep Milan's Champions League Hopes Alive
AC Milan’s dreams of qualifying for the Champions League are still alive for now. Their 2-0 win over the already-relegated Frosinone brought them just one point behind fourth-place Inter Milan for the final Italian spot in the competition. That lead was secured thanks to the incredible accuracy of S...
Vincent Kompany Is Leaving Manchester City To Become Player-Manager Of Belgium's RSC Anderlecht
After 11 pretty darn successful seasons with Manchester City, Vincent Kompany wrote in an open letter on his Facebook page that the FA Cup final marked the end of his time at the club. In a follow-up post, he announced his next career endeavor would be becoming player-manager of Belgian club RSC And...
Lyon Trounce Barcelona To Win Fourth Consecutive Women's Champions League Title
Lyon cruised through the Women’s Champions League final and defeated Barcelona 4-1 to win the club’s fourth consecutive UCL title. After scoring four goals in 30 minutes—which included a 17-minute hat-trick from Ada Hegerberg—Lyon were able to sit back, relax and enjoy the remaining hour of game tim...
Happy Trails To Lazar Marković, A Hero To Underachievers Everywhere
Lazar Marković is not a good soccer player. It would even be fair to describe him as an actively bad one, at least relative to the level expected of players at the clubs that have paid him a sizable salary to do anything but play soccer for them these past few years. And yet, until today, Marković h...
Santi Cazorla Completes His Resurrection By Earning A Spanish National Team Spot
The last time Santi Cazorla played for the Spanish national team, Donald Trump wasn’t President, Vine still existed, and Real Madrid only had one Champions League this decade. The date was November 14, 2015, and Cazorla had scored against England in a 2-0 friendly win. The wheels almost literally fe...
Idiot Portsmouth Fan Arrested For Hitting Sunderland Player Who Fell Into The Stands
In the lower levels of English soccer, fans often are nasty, brutish, and short-tempered. We saw evidence of this in March when an idiot stormed the field mid-game to sucker-punch a player, and we saw even more yesterday, when a Portsmouth fan punched and kicked Sunderland’s Luke O’Nien after the pl...
Massimiliano Allegri And Juventus Are Breaking Up
After five wildly successful years, Juventus released a statement today saying that the club and manager Massimiliano Allegri would be parting ways at the end of this season....
This British Lad's Body Art Is Quickly Becoming A Chronicle Of Failed Soccer Predictions
Meet Jamie. He’s a Leeds United supporter who was proper chuffed when his beloved club made it to the English Championship playoff semifinal, and was likely chuffed even further after they took a 1-0 lead against Derby County in the first leg. Jamie was so excited, in fact, that he decided to preemp...
Manchester City Face Champions League Ban For Breaking UEFA's Dumb Rules
Things are moving quickly against Manchester City. After a report earlier this week that the back-to-back Premier League champions could face a ban from the Champions League, the New York Times reports that a ruling is imminent. All of this because Manchester City, the poster boys for the current fi...
Antoine Griezmann Announces He Will Leave Atlético Madrid This Summer
Atlético Madrid striker and Fortnite enthusiast Antoine Griezmann has announced today via a video released on Atleti’s Twitter account that he intends leave for pastures new this summer. In the video, Griezmann says he wants new challenges after “five incredible years” in Madrid:...
Palermo Relegated From Italian Second Division Due To—Shocker!—Corruption And Fraud
Just days before Palermo were set to play in the Italian second division promotion playoffs with a spot in Serie A hanging in the balance, the Italian soccer authorities hit the Sicilian club with a relegation penalty that will send them into the third division next season. The authorities handed do...
Nobody Loves Sports Babies More Than Son Heung-Min
The final game of the soccer season is often the time for players and club staff to enjoy the culmination of the long season by mingling with each other and their families out on the pitch, making it prime time for cute sports baby hijinks. Tottenham forward Son Heung-min may be unmarried and childl...
The Premier League Was Decided In 11 Minutes
In the end, it truly is the hope that kills you. When Sadio Mané scored for Liverpool early on in their game against Wolves, it was the start of a frustrating but ultimately fruitful game. The Reds brought it to the surprise seventh-place finishers, scooped up the goal they needed (and another from ...
Crystal Palace Team Doctor Says A Toddler Racially Abused Him And His Kids Outside Palace's Stadium
Zafar Iqbar, a doctor on staff at Premier League club Crystal Palace, was taking two of his kids to Palace’s home match against Bournemouth on Sunday when he says a three-year-old child, walking nearby alongside his father, shouted a racist slur at Iqbar and his children....