Soccer Page 269 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Cristiano Ronaldo Is Not Mad. This Is Actually Funny To Him.
Underwear mogul/ab demon Cristiano Ronaldo and his Portuguese teammates opened their Euro 2016 campaign against Iceland today. It was the tiny island’s first European Championship game ever, and they managed to come from behind and tie Portugal, 1-1. Portugal had 27 shots, 10 on goal, and 66 percent...
No One Understands Soccer's Rules, And That's A Problem
In training last week I nicked a player from behind in an 8v8 game, he fell to the ground, and we scored off the turnover. Our coach, acting as referee from the sideline, asked if I fouled him. I always have the natural instinct to say no chance; there’s no asterisk next to a W in the results column...
Sepp Blatter Dishes On Hot Balls Scandal
Sepp Blatter’s FIFA was a world-historically corrupt organization that sold away World Cups and ran all sorts of illegal-ass schemes until the Justice Department shut them down and he got replaced by a new, not entirely different president. Even though he’s widely reviled (or held up, depending on h...
Venezuela Scissor Kick Their Way Ahead Of Mexico
Venezuela and Mexico are both going to advance to the quarterfinals of the Copa America, but the winner gets to avoid Argentina, so both teams have plenty to play for. The Venezuelans struck first and took a 1-0 lead thanks to José Velázquez going all upside down and smashing it past José Corona....
![UEFA Claim That The Euro 2016 Mascot Is Not A Sex Toy [NSFW]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/ogfan7ptrxczlevnrfdk.jpg)
UEFA Claim That The Euro 2016 Mascot Is Not A Sex Toy [NSFW]
That’s Super Victor, the mascot of Euro 2016! Hi, buddy! He’s cute, huh? Kinda like Ness from Super Smash Bros. What a nice mascot, let’s Google him to find out more information!...
Luis Suárez Threw Himself A Temper Tantrum And I Can't Really Blame Him
Uruguay are in big trouble at the Copa America after dropping their opener to Mexico, 3-1 on Sunday, then falling 1-0 to Venezuela this evening. They only managed to out one shot on frame tonight, and striker Edinson Cavani was awful. He is Uruguay’s best healthy attacker (more on that in a second) ...
The USMNT Is Getting Hot At Exactly The Right Time
After the USMNT lost 2-0 to Colombia last Friday, Jürgen Klinsmann was as optimistic as any coach will ever be after a scoreless tournament-opening loss. He told reporters he was “absolutely okay” with how his team played, and even said, “There was no difference besides the two goals.” While the exp...
The USMNT Needs To Go Young Or Die
The United States Men’s National Team will open the Copa America Centenario—a wonderfully entertaining Frankentournament that the U.S. is hosting only through sheer force of corruption—with a match against Colombia tonight in Santa Clara, Calif. Colombia is the shit. They could have taken down Brazi...
Judge Rules USWNT Must Abide By No-Strike Clause
A federal judge ruled Friday that the United States Women’s National Team is bound by a no-strike clause, ruling out the possibility of a strike before or during the upcoming Rio Olympics....
FIFA Reveals $80 Million In Probably Illegal Payments, Headquarters Raided Again
FIFA headquarters in Zurich, Switzerland, were raided yesterday by police, as they sought evidence that former top FIFA officials Sepp Blatter, Jerome Valcke, Markus Kattner illegally awarded themselves $80 million in pay raises and bonuses, AP reports. Blatter and Valcke were previously banned from...
David Alaba Scored Just The Dumbest Own Goal
Transitioning from a bunch of Champions League games and a cup final to a relatively placid friendly against Malta can be a shock to the system. Rarely, however, does it result in such a hilarious, dumb own goal, like the one Bayern Munich star David Alaba scored on his own team this afternoon....
Mike Francesa Is Very Annoyed That <i>Sports Illustrated</i> Put Lionel Messi On Its Cover
If Mike Francesa’s visceral disdain for soccer didn’t come through clear enough when he stumbled his way through a simple MLS ad read last week, today’s rant aimed at SI for their decision to dedicate the mag’s cover to Lionel Messi and a big portion of its coverage (specifically, as Mike discovers:...
Supporters Clashed In The Streets Before The Red Bulls-New York City FC Match
This blurry, cargo-shorted gentleman striking a come at me, bro pose amid a crowd of soccer fans and police outside Yankee Stadium? He’s your mascot for a bunch of chest-puffery and general ass-showing before the Red Bulls and New York City FC played in the Bronx today....
Manchester United Win The FA Cup, Once Again Dashing Crystal Palace's Dreams
There was a full two minutes back there—three, practically—when Crystal Palace looked as if it might pull off the greatest victory in its 110-year history. Having been outplayed till then in the FA Cup, Joel Ward put in a sort of cross just as midfielder Jason Puncheon sprinted beyond the pack. Punc...
Sevilla Are The Kings Of Europa Once Again
For the third straight year, and fifth time in 11 years, Sevilla have played in and won the Europa League final, defeating Liverpool 3-1. Next season they’ll take their deserved place in the Champions League, and hope to never return....
Daniel Sturridge Scores Ridiculous Outside-Foot Curler
The Europa League final between Liverpool and Sevilla was a taut, back-and-forth affair, until Liverpool striker Daniel Sturridge broke the game open in the 35th minute with this beautiful strike. Make sure you stick around for the behind-the-goal angle that shows just how much curl the outside of S...
Barcelona Had A Magical Season By Anyone's Standards But Their Own
Whether you’re a perennial title contender or an underfunded minnow or something in between, the real measuring sticks each team’s seasons are judged by are expectations—for better and for worse. Expectations can be unrealistic or sensible, surpassed or fallen short of, but either way, fans and club...
Eden Hazard Totally Owned A Small Child
Now that he’s starting to feel like himself again, Chelsea’s Eden Hazard can’t seem to turn the ruthlessness off. Here is he owning his young son, Leo, after Chelsea’s season ending 1-1 draw with Leicester City....
Citing FIFA's New Power To Fire Him, FIFA's Independent Audit Chief Quits
The person with the most necessary job in the world, FIFA’s chairman of audit and compliance, has resigned, because FIFA’s top officials on Friday passed a measure that allows them to fire auditing, finance, and ethics officers at will....