The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Little Cat Launching A Sneak Attack 

Kittens are cute. So cute, in fact, that it can seem unimaginable they would be capable of hatching diabolical plots like stealing food off the counter, clawing your foot if the foot moves under a blanket, peeing repeatedly on your favorite rug, or fashioning itself into a cat cannonball and launching through an empty…

Udonis Haslem Sues Animal Hospital For Denying Him His Rightful Dog Semen

Longtime Miami Heat big man Udonis Haslem—present tense, as Haslem is still on the active roster despite averaging less than a point per game in 14 appearances last year—is suing a Florida animal hospital and one of its doctors for castrating his prized show dog, thus denying the three-time NBA champion the…

Browns Fan Saves Possum From Having To Watch The Rest Of Thursday Night Football

A poor, foolish possum somehow made its way into the stands at Thursday night’s Jets-Browns game, in Cleveland. Maybe he’s a big Baker Mayfield fan! It’s unlikely the little fellow had a valid ticket—as such, he was captured and put into a box by a jersey-clad gentleman who seems really admirably comfortable handling…

The Darkest Form Of Basketball Is This Dead Whale Clanging Off A Dumpster

The wonderful state of New Hampshire—full disclosure: I grew up in New Hampshire—has made national news this week, as the world has been captivated by the Granite State’s inability to properly dispose of a dead minke whale that washed ashore at Jenness Beach in Rye Monday. Though a juvenile, the whale’s carcass was…

Disease-Carrying Vermin Still A Little Too On-The-Nose As Coincidental Mets-Adjacent Phenomenon 

The Red Sox, healthy, secure, surging toward the best season in franchise history, played with the toy skeleton of a rat in their dugout Friday night, mounting it on the dugout wall and putting seeds in its little mouth. Ha ha! The Mets, helpless, sick, crawling along in ignominy toward the conclusion of another lost…

New Madrid Keeper Thibaut Courtois Apologizes For Singing Song About Real Madrid Fans Fucking Kangaroos

Before he was the regular goalkeeper at Chelsea, Thibaut Courtois was the number one at Atletico Madrid when they burst onto the La Liga scene to challenge the duopoly of Barcelona and Real Madrid. Now, since his transfer to Real earlier this week, Courtois has been forced to awkwardly answer for his past as a member…

Kidnapped Shark Found Safe; Thief Confesses To Stealing Her To Replace His Old Shark

We have a very happy update for you in the case of Helen, the horn shark who was the subject of a daring stroller heist this weekend at the San Antonio Aquarium. Not only has Helen been found, but she appears to have been lovingly cared for by her captor, who stole her in the first place because he used to have a horn…

Cops: Trio Stole Shark By Swaddling It Like A Baby, Pushing It Out In A Stroller

If you saw a baby being pushed in a stroller near the San Antonio aquarium on Saturday afternoon, guess what, it might have been a shark. According to Leon Valley police chief Joseph Salvaggio, three enterprising shark thieves made off with a three-foot long horn shark around 2:15 p.m. on Saturday after grabbing it…

I Am Not Superstitious, But Japan Definitely Lost Because Its Psychic Octopus With A Perfect Record Was Killed, Sold, And Eaten

Belgium’s round-of-16 win over Japan was a shocker, with the Red Devils coming back from an 0-2 second-half hole to win 3-2 on a thrilling counter at the very end of stoppage time. It’s gotta be difficult to swallow for Japan, because that final counter—an absolute thing of beauty—came off a poorly plotted corner…