animals Page 3 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
New Madrid Keeper Thibaut Courtois Apologizes For Singing Song About Real Madrid Fans Fucking Kangaroos
Before he was the regular goalkeeper at Chelsea, Thibaut Courtois was the number one at Atletico Madrid when they burst onto the La Liga scene to challenge the duopoly of Barcelona and Real Madrid. Now, since his transfer to Real earlier this week, Courtois has been forced to awkwardly answer for hi...
Yeah, That's A Goddamn Moth In An Umpire's Ear
Gahhhhh. This is an awful thing that should never happen—with any living creature, not just a dusty flying bug—but Yankees-White Sox umpire Bruce Dreckman was remarkably calm when a small, moth-like animal (most likely a moth) flew into his ear between innings....
Let The Escaped Animals Just Be Wild Animals
The law should be: Once an escaped non-pet animal has been on the loose long enough for the local news to show up and get it on video, it has claimed its freedom and gets to be a wild animal after that. You may transport it to its natural habitat if you want to and are able to do it safely and human...
Goats On The Lam
This morning, residents in Boise, Idaho, woke up to approximately 75 marauding goats roaming from house to house, eating everything in their path like a plague of slow-moving, adorable locusts....
The Best Sports Of The Night Is These Dogs Licking Peanut Butter
This has been an especially draining news day, and the most prominent sporting event tonight is *shudders* the MLS All-Star Game, so the time has come to look at some dogs. Please, appreciate the innocence and enthusiasm of these good boys named Bentley and Charlie, who both like peanut butter very ...
Kidnapped Shark Found Safe; Thief Confesses To Stealing Her To Replace His Old Shark
We have a very happy update for you in the case of Helen, the horn shark who was the subject of a daring stroller heist this weekend at the San Antonio Aquarium. Not only has Helen been found, but she appears to have been lovingly cared for by her captor, who stole her in the first place because he ...
Cops: Trio Stole Shark By Swaddling It Like A Baby, Pushing It Out In A Stroller<em></em>
If you saw a baby being pushed in a stroller near the San Antonio aquarium on Saturday afternoon, guess what, it might have been a shark. According to Leon Valley police chief Joseph Salvaggio, three enterprising shark thieves made off with a three-foot long horn shark around 2:15 p.m. on Saturday a...
Wallace, The Good And Humble Mule, Defeats Fancy Dressage Horses At Their Own Game
Wallace is an 11-year-old mule who used to annoy Irish villagers by eating their flowers. After a lengthy battle over his right to compete in dressage, he is now a winner and hero to common beasts....
The World's Ugliest Dog Is Dead, Probably Not Of Ugliness<em></em>
Weeks after being crowned the World’s Ugliest Dog, 9-year-old bulldog Zsa Zsa died Tuesday. She was assassinated while delivering a speech at a town hall. No, okay, she passed in her sleep....
I Am Not Superstitious, But Japan <i>Definitely</i> Lost Because Its Psychic Octopus With A Perfect Record Was Killed, Sold, And Eaten
Belgium’s round-of-16 win over Japan was a shocker, with the Red Devils coming back from an 0-2 second-half hole to win 3-2 on a thrilling counter at the very end of stoppage time. It’s gotta be difficult to swallow for Japan, because that final counter—an absolute thing of beauty—came off a poorly ...
This Is The World's Ugliest Dog<em></em>
The Sonoma-Marin Fair hosted its annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest this past weekend, and no pooch could beat out Zsa Zsa for top honors. Zsa Zsa is a testament to the horrifying process of inbreeding that sapped the English bulldog gene pool of its diversity, but at least she got first prize! Here...
Hear Radamel Falcao's Goal Called In A Dozen Different Languages<em></em>
The passion is truly universal. ...
Kangaroo On The Field Is Great At Running, Atrocious At Kicking The Ball
This here kangaroo showed up to an Australian women’s Premier League match over the weekend and put together an impressive minute or so of tape. Our pal apparently wandered around the field for about 20 minutes, dozed off, hopped a few fences, and flashed some impressive top-level speed. However, hi...
Achilles The Psychic Cat Picks Russia To Win World Cup Match Because He Knows Where His Mice Are Buttered
Happy World Cup day! The real competition begins today. Not the soccer; the psychic animals....
Gator, Tied Up And Pissed Off, Owns The Hell Out Of His Asshole Captors
Do the best you can with what you have—it’s an old idiom, and one that is particularly useful when it comes to explaining the above image. It is also useful to note the pathetic foot at lower left. Here is how it came to pass....
Silly Baseball Goose Goes To Better Place
The silly goose that bonked itself to hell in Wednesday’s Angels-Tigers game has now supposedly been released into the scenic green wilderness of East Lansing, Michigan, after a brief stay at a veterinary hospital....
Loose Goose At Tigers Game Chased Off The Field And Into A World Of Pain
There was a cool-seeming goose hanging around the field in Detroit during a break in tonight’s Angels-Tigers game, and although the grounds crew made a valiant effort at getting it to scram, little did they know they were chasing the goose straight to his downfall, provided by the unrelenting scoreb...
What Grade-School Report Topic Were You Obsessed With, And Maybe Still Are?
Children are obsessive types. I knew more about dinosaurs as a 7-year-old than I will ever know about anything ever. But sometimes, an assignment latches onto our sponge-like little brains and never lets go....