closer Page 4 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
They Must Be Coming By Sea
David Hirshey Michael Bertin writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer. Arsene Wenger would have made a good captain for the Titanic. That has less to do with any nautical skills that he may or may not have, than it does with hubris. This is an Arsenal side he has claimed in print has the ability ...
City Wins Big Despite Losing Richards, Deco Is the Difference For Chelsea
Manchester City's 3-0 drubbing of woeful West Ham was marred early in the second half when Micah Richards went down with a head injury after a midair collision with new teammate Tal Ben Haim. City's young star was treated by medical personnel on the pitch before being taken away on a stretcher. Aft...
MLB Closer: Do Not Taunt Surly Third-Place Kitty
Zach Miner of Los Tigres Detroit committed regicide on the monarchs from Missouri, allowing only three singles in seven innings on the way to a 4-0 victory in Kansas City last night. How could he get away with such domination on a major league franchise while only striking out three? How could he kn...
NFL Closer: John McCain Taught Matt Leinart All He Knows About Football
Unless Steve Young took the wrong bridge out of San Francisco last night, there were no known professional-level quarterbacks in the city of Oakland, CA, last night. Normally, this would not be cause for concern, but an NFL preseason contest took place in Oakland Coliseum at the same time. (Arizona ...
The Spurs Could Really Use a Hug Right Now
Tottenham took to the pitch this morning without the services of Dimitar Berbatov for the second straight week, and once again they failed to secure a single point. The frustrated Bulgarian striker wasn't even in attendance to watch his (soon to be former) teammates drop a 2-1 decision against Sund...
MLB Closer: The Girl with the Strong Arm
Neal Cotts loves The Dead Milkmen. Or so we assume. After all, he's a rural boy from a small town born between 27 years and 36 years ago. Also, he gave up a grand slam to Willie F. Harris in the fifth inning at Wrigley Field yesterday afternoon, tossing Jason Marquis under the El and leaving the Was...
Stop Us If You've Heard This One Before
David Hirshey Michael Bertin writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer. If the season were to end today Stupid Fucking Bolton would be going to the Champions League. A corner of the universe just started to fold in on itself simply because that sentence was typed. If... If my aunt had a penis she'd...
This Could Be It For Tom Glavine
Tom Glavine is out for the season. Dude tore up some ligaments in his elbow and says he won't come back if he has to get that ligament completely replaced. The 42-year-old went back to the Braves, turning down more money from the Mets to play where he had kept his offseason home. But he hasn't play...
Welcome to England, Monsieur Nasri
The English Premier League's new season is officially underway, and newcomer Samir Nasri has already made his mark with Arsenal. The dynamic young Frenchman scored the Gunners lone goal in this morning's (lunchtime over there) first match against newly promoted West Bromwich Albion. Arsenal dominat...
Daryle Ward Will Eat Your Children In Broad Daylight
The Chicago Cubs have just won their ninth straight game. In related news, Hell has frozen over, pigs are flying, gas is now 75 cents a gallon, and Andy Dick just had sex with a girl. This wild chain reaction began when Ward, in the midst of an 0-for-13 slump, hit a three-run homer in the ninth to p...
Michael Bertin Is Your New Closer
Unfortunately, we could not wrestle away previous soccer mom David Hirshey from his other "job" even though we offered him a drum full of mustache balm and unreleased nude photos of Pele to continue with us. The man simply wouldn't budge. No fear, though, because your weekly footie fix will be fille...
Contreras Injury a Blow To Chicago
It was the Sox Bowl Part II as the Red ones took on the White ones. And you know what happens when you put Red Sox in the mix with White Sox (besides all your shit turning pink). You get some pretty good baseball. Big Papi busted his slump with a three-rub double off the wall in Boston's 6-2 win ove...
Jim Edmonds Jogs La Russa's Memory
Cubs outfielder Jim Edmonds has gotten past the drama of being traded from the Cardinals in the offseason. Or maybe not. After refusing to discuss his former manager, Tony La Russa, with the media, Edmonds proceeded to go two for four, both hits going yard in a 3-2 win over his ex-team. The game str...
MLB Closer: Brewers Win, Fat People Hug it Out
• C.C. is perfect: So far, in a Milwaukee Brewers uni, Sabathia is 5-0. Last night, he rumbled into Turner Field and emerged with a 4-2 victory over the Braves. In case you couldn't sift through the blubber above, that's Prince Fielder and C.C. Sabathia sharing a joyous moment following their win o...
MLB Closer: Manny Makes His Dodger Debut
Manny Ramirez unveiled his "Manny-ness" (he wore the number 99) to his new fans in Los Angeles last night, but things didn't exactly go according to plan. With the Dodgers down by a run and with a man on base, Ramirez came up in the bottom of the ninth with a chance to add to his resume of late-game...
The Brewers Pull Even With The Cubs
Ryan Braun did most of the heavy lifting, but once again it was Bill Hall providing the winning hit. Hall's RBI single in the eight inning put the Brewers out in front of the Astros who ultimately fell 6-4. Eric Gagne picked up the win in relief before Salomon Torres closed the door in the ninth fo...
Joba Rules Fenway
The Yankees came into Boston on a six-game winning streak and in the end Mariano Rivera kept it alive. Joba Chamberlain dominated the Red Sox lineup for seven shutout innings, striking out nine while allowing just three hits. Kyle Farnsworth did his best to fuck things up in the eighth when he gave...
These Are Clapping Dogs, Rhythmic Dogs, First-Pitching Dogs, House Dogs, Street Dogs
Uno, who I believe was named for the card game I never bothered to learn, continues to blaze trails for doggykind. Back in February, he became the first beagle ever to win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (though Snoopy remains the first to be a World War I flying ace). Yesterday, he "threw" ou...
The All-Seeing Eye Thinks Your Hair Looks Fine
The curtailing of the About Last Night... feature eliminates some of my opportunity for monkeyshines (that is, gratuitous monkey references shoehorned into otherwise putatively sports-related posts). But this Sauron-esque picture from last night's Marlins-Dodgers games caught my, uh, notice. Best u...
How Will Yankees Fans Greet A-Rod Tonight?
Thank God for the Yankees that their next series with Boston is in New York. With a separation from wife Cynthia and rumors of canoodling with Madonna thicker than Newman's Own Thousand Island dressing, Alex Rodriguez must have more on his mind than Jonathan Papelbon. But how will his own fans greet...