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Cockblocked By Cam Newton!
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
If You Don't Like Bacon On Your Hamburger, Then Screw You
Let's talk about hamburgers for moment, because they're delicious. They're big and moist, and when that little mixture of beefy juices and ketchup runoff goes sliding down your hand and you quickly lick it up like a porn star—well now that's quite a moment. And you know what makes a hamburger even b...
This Is The Third Time A Man Dressed Like A Woman And Chained Himself Up Near Her Local Walgreens
On first blush, the Uniontown, Pa. police-report details — as relayed by the Tribune-Review — were ample to paint a decent picture of Stephen M. Carr's New Year's Day arrest in the Walgreens parking lot....
No, Kathy Griffin, Your Attempts To Seduce Anderson Cooper Will Not Be Enhanced By Getting Naked
Somewhere, there is a person for whom seeing Kathy Griffin in her underwear is appealing. This video is for you. For everybody else, at least admire the tenacity with which she goes after the visibly-distressed Anderson Cooper. (She got even more aggressive later.) Happy New Year, and here's hopin...
2011: The Year We Became The United States Of Trolling
Well, that about wraps up yet another shitty year of the new millennium. I don't know about you, but I personally can't wait to see what future shitty years have in store: rising water prices, a sharp growth in armed RoHoWa militias, a new Pitbull album ... everything shitty is on the table, people....
Never Hook Up In A Bunk Bed
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
This Guy Died This Year: Bil Keane, Comics Paterfamilias
Bil Keane was known, among his fellow professional cartoonists, as a funny, funny man. His life's work, in The Family Circus, was to hide that fact from as many people as possible. Day after day, decade after decade, The Family Circus delivered the mildest gags imaginable—observational humor minus t...
Neighbors Don't Like It When Neighbors Use People Poop As Fertilizer
"There's a huge difference between using fertilizer and using human feces that's been treated with different chemicals," Bill Schaffhouser tells NBC Philadelphia's Stacy Stauffer. "This stuff will end up in the food and meat they eat, the milk they drink…this is a real issue." [NBC10]...
Here's A Canadian Road-Rage Street Fight That Ends With A Handshake And An Attaboy
Dude runs up to a fellow motorist's ride with anger in his soul. The video, it doesn't show what precipitated confrontation on what's possibly an Ottawa street. Maybe he stopped short. Maybe other guy hit him unexpectedly....
A Plea For TV Networks To Show People Running Onto The Field
Big thank you to Drew for letting me guest this Funbag. Normally my day is filled with exploiting my elderly father for money (see: Shit My Dad Says), so it was a welcome diversion. I also used to write for the TV show of the same name, until America was like, "GOD FUCKING STOP THIS SHIT TAKE IT OFF...
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?
As in past years, the Sun Sentinel has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity. ...
Counterpoint: Charlie Brown Is Bigger Than Jesus
Gosh, somebody is taking a supposedly beloved holiday ritual and saying it's really awful and depressing. Who ever had that idea before? Oh, right: Charlies Schulz....
Fuck You, Charlie Brown
Every year you watch A Charlie Brown Christmas, and every year you come away depressed. You're a real asshole, Charlie Brown. Originally published Dec. 9, 2010. Read Tom Scocca's counterpoint: "Charlie Brown Is Bigger Than Jesus."...
Christmas Hype Will Drive Your Children To Insanity
Christmas is four days away. I know this because my kids have been counting down the days since, I dunno, LAST goddamn Christmas. Children have boring lives. They have to go to school all day. They have to listen to adults tell them what to do. They can't watch porn. It blows. Christmas is one of th...
This Is What You'll Look Like If You Refuse To Let Go Of A Police Officer's Groin
Add Frank Slowik's face to the list of tonight's remarkable shoplifting-involved mugshots. The Chicago Sun-Times says that Johnny Law "found about $1,000 worth of stolen seafood and meat" in Frankie's car, but it's the run-up to the meat discovery that's important. To wit:...
There's Something Truly Special About One Of These Shoplifters's Mugshots
Korin Vanhouten and Eldon Alexander — you decide which is which — totally got charged with stealing makeup, energy bars and batteries from a Utah supermarket the other day. What, no lotion basket?...
It Wouldn’t Be Christmas Time Without A Lady Hoodrat Brawl At The Mall, Now Would It?
This little slice of Americana comes to you from the King of Prussia Mall, right off the Pennsylvania Turnpike about 20 miles west of Philly. There's a "Rock Bottom Restaurant & Brewery" there. A fitting name....
Today In Sexual News From Sandusky, Ohio
"PERKINS TOWNSHIP, Ohio- A Sandusky woman was arrested on Sunday afternoon after she allegedly beat her husband because he refused her sex. ... According to the report, after a day of shopping and a stop at a local bar, Vera and Harold Baaske returned home. Harold told officers that Vera wanted to ...
White People Should Never Do Hip-Hop Karaoke
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering bargains, pooping in thongs, hip hop karaoke, and more....