fin Page 182 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Just Blow Into This Tube, Mr. Tyson
Mike Tyson, ex-pugilist extraordinairre, gnawer of earlobes, raper of women, can add a new dubious title to his evergrowing legend: possessor of cocaine. Yes, its seems early yesterday morning in Scottsdale, Arizona, America's favorite boxer who can no longer box was pulled over during a routine che...
Rollie Fingers' Nondescript Van
Far be it from us to cast aspersions on Hall of Fame relief pitchers who could offer mustache rides to an entire cricket team, but we find this Craig's List ad apparently posted by Rollie Fingers for a commercial he's filming....
Eddie Griffin's Criminal Climax
Because we are nothing if not thorough, digging down so deep into a story that we can't imagine how to get out, doggedly pursuing every subplot until the thread is bare, we return you today to the story of Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin. As you might remember, Mr. Griffin was arrested for crashi...
Stop The World, We Want To Get Off
If there were any real cosmic justice out there, stories such as this would not be allowed to happen; a wise, all-knowing God, concerned only with the greater good, would hurl a giant meteor right directly into our equator first. But ours is a stark, lonely universe, devoid of reason, and we are p...
Where, Oh Where, Is Sidd Finch When The Mets Need Him?
As the Mets, just four hours away from their first playoff games, continue to wonder who the heck is supposed to pitch these darned playoff games — it's John Maine, by the way — our attention is turned to a reference we always find irresistable: Maybe Sidd Finch should pitch!...
It Don't Mean A Thing If It Don't Have That Ring
Ever wonder why Sheryl Swoopes was a successful athlete but, say, Kordell Stewart was not? According to a study by King's College London — whatever that is — it's because women with long fingers make better athletes than women with shorter fingers....
Eddie Griffin's Odd Film Choices
In case you were in desperate need of some of the inside details of the Eddie Griffin masturbating in his car story — and, obviously, you were, because what person in his right mind isn't? — the official PDF version of the complaint in the lawsuit against him has been released. Our personal favori...
Eddie Griffin Needs To Mind His Surroundings
OK, so we formally apologize for taking until 10 a.m. today to get to this. It's been a busy morning....
You Stay White, Miami
At the end of yesterday's victory parade for the Miami Heat, Shaq grabbed the microphone and asked, "Who wanna see Coach Riley dance?" For reasons I can't begin to understand, the people of Miami responded affirmatively, and then the following took place:...
The Faces Of Champions
That's right, folks, the wait is over: Antoine Walker, Shandon Anderson and Michael Doleac are finally champions....
Heat Win First-Ever Title, And Even Cuban's Classy About It
Even though their apparently show their loyalty by dressing up like Klan members — even when they're not actually at the arena in which the games are being played, like in this picture — and even though they don't have an owner whose brain is always on the verge of a noisy (and always smart and en...
And Without Any Further Blowups ... Game 6
Difficult to add much more to everything else that's out there: It's Game 6, the Heat are a game away from winning the NBA Title, Mark Cuban is $250,000 lighter and downright dog-nutty, Dwyane Wade getting his legend on and the referrees looking over their shoulders, making sure no one's got a shi...
Is Mark Cuban Going Insane?
We feel we have to legitimately ask: Is Mark Cuban losing his mind?...
Howard's Boner (Or, Why Refs Are A Natural Male Enhancement)
Another reason that it would have been more fun to live in the early 1900s rather than now — also on the list: speakeasies, jalopies, no Internet — is the fact that they used the word "boner" to describe embarrassing mental missteps. We wish this were still true today; we'd have Buckner's boner, W...
Heat/Mavs Game Five: The Lack Of Stack
Game Five of the NBA Finals will serve as your capper to an excellent sports weekend. And there's certainly no lack of intrigue for tonight's game. The Heat have all the momentum. The Mavs can't stop Dwyane Wade and his myriad of injuries and ailments. Dirk Nowitzki has gone into hiding. Avery Joh...
And There Shall Be A Game Seven
The Edmonton Oilers housed the Carolina Hurricane Whalers last night, cruising to an easy 4-0 victory. And thus, there will be a Game 7, and it will be good....
Jerry Stackhouse And Common Sense Have Been Suspended
Jerry Stackhouse was found to be in violation of the NBA's strict "Do Not Touch Shaquille O'Neal" policy yesterday, as the league announced that it was suspending him for Game 5 of the NBA Finals. Stackhouse committed a hard foul on Shaq as the big man was driving for a lay-up. Have a look:...
And Here Come The Heat
As True Hoop pointed out this morning, this guy must feel like a complete idiot right now....
Hey, Remember These Guys?
Not to remain so firmly ensconced on the jock of Free Darko, but we're completely fascinated with their McSweeney's column today. Namely: Has anybody noticed that Antoine Walker and Jason Williams are playing in this series? Obviously, Dirk and Shaq and Wade and Cuban are the headliners of the ser...
We Have Not Forgotten About The NHL. Honest.
OK, you're right; we've been somewhat neglecting our hockey friends. It's just that it's really hard to get fired up about an NHL title in a city where ice had to be shipped in by train until 1941. (Yes, we know they were once the Hartford Whalers. And Elizabeth Taylor was once hot). But we promise ...