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Your Computer Is Filthy. Why Won't You Clean It?
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She'll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her....
How To Suck Up To Your Terrible Boss
In the abyss of degradation that is the modern office, pretending to respect your boss is one of the more difficult tasks you might face. He or she controls your paycheck, dictates what hours you're chained to your desk, and calls pointless meetings just to hear his own voice with different acoust...
How To Talk To Girls On Twitter Without Coming Off Like A Creepy Rando
So, here you are, my friend, following a lot of brilliant women on Twitter (I hope). It's so fun, and the best part of Twitter is connecting with people, so you want to reply to some of her great tweets with your own great opinions and jokes! Cool, cool, but here are some things to keep in mind....
How To Clean Up Every Mess Depicted In <i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i>
Fifty Shades of Grey is not a good book. The story essentially boils down to two boring people engaged in a boring contract negotiation, punctuated by seemingly endless rounds of shower/bathtub sex and a few light spankings. It's really very, very dull stuff....
How To Cook Valentine's Day Dinner, Like You Damn Well Should
The first thing to know about cooking for Valentine's Day is that the list of occasion-appropriate food preparations you'll find below was made in consultation with a woman, the only blemish on whose otherwise immaculate record of good taste and judgment is her baffling and indefensible decision to ...
How To Deal With Valentine's Day, No Matter Who You Are
This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday (FYI: It’s tomorrow), making it awfully convenient for those of you planning a romantic weekend getaway and a three-day headache for the rest of us. Let’s face it: This holiday isn’t the greatest no matter your relationship status. (The media/retail ons...
How To Be The Reluctant Guy At The Strip Club
So you're bound for a strip club against your will, because you've got to go to your brother's bachelor party with all his college friends, or your girlfriend is dragging you to check one out, or your boss thinks that's the best way to unwind during a business trip. You feel like a vegetarian at a s...
How To Clean A Soot-Stained Fireplace
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She’ll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her....
How To Survive A Round Of Golf With Your Boss Or Father-In-Law
Anyone who plays golf and has been stupid enough to tell other people that they play golf—"Oh, you play? That's wonderful! Lisa's dad would love to take you out for a round when you guys visit for Thanksgiving! Isn't that right, Herb?"—is at some point in his or her life going to have to play golf...
An Exceedingly Polite Beginner's Guide To Anal Sex
Anal play, as you likely well know by now, is having its moment. Hell, even Vogue is writing about it, and Harvard is, like, teaching classes about the basics of butt-banging. But we can't all go to Harvard (and thank God for that), which means that the 101-type stuff that a lot of curious folks m...
Don't Read These Beloved Children's Books To Your Kids
I’m a stay-at-home dad with two kids. My daughter is seven, but before she was old enough to go to preschool, I watched her when she was awake and worked odd hours from home while she slept. My son is two, and we’re on the same schedule, except that I’ve recently joined the jobless recovery, so now...
How To Cook Broccoli, On Purpose, And Enjoy It, Which Is Possible
Broccoli is good. No, it is! Good for you, sure, yes, high in fiber and vitamin C and some things called carotenoids that I'm pretty sure were the bad guys in The Fifth Element? But also they are supposed to have antioxidant properties, which means they make you immune to rust....
How To Change A Tire Without Getting Killed Like A Big Dummy
There's really only a very few basic things that are required to be thought of as some manner of "man": Really, it's just genitals of some sort (testes, ovipositor, whatever) and the ability to change a car's tire. Hell, most people don't even care about the genitals thing. It's all changing tires...
How To Talk About God, And Your Wedding, With Your Future In-Laws
This past June, I got married. It was one of the best days of my life, and I hope to never have to experience it again. As anyone who has been through one knows, weddings are a deeply magical experience festooned with deeply unmagical questions: inside or outside? Who pays for what? Is beet salad ...
How To Not Get Shot To Death By A Police Officer
If you're reading this, congrats! You're definitely alive, and you're probably not being stopped or shot to death by a police officer at this very moment. This is half the battle. Now the hard part: If you're alive, there's a chance you'll get stopped by a police officer before you die, and if you...
How To Drive In The Snow, In A Regular-Ass Car, Without Freaking Out
First, a tale....
How To Stock Your Home Bar
No one's coming over to your house for a flaming cocktail. Conversely, no one's coming over to your house if you have no booze at all. You don't need to get too wild, but you need to be prepared. Friend, you need to stock a home bar....
How To Cook A Bunch Of Good Food For The Super Bowl Party
So the Super™ Bowl® is here, and that means some sucker—maybe even you!—will be hosting a Super™ Bowl® party which they will feel weirdly obligated to refer to as a "Big Game" party, because the NFL likes to sue people for liking it. You will have to bring something to this shindig—especially if ...
Four Ways To Quit: Run Long Like The Kenyans
Justin Lagat, who lives in Kenya, in fact, is Kenyan, wrote a piece for RunBlogRun on the four ways in which Kenyans do their long runs. Since our very lean friends from the Rift Valley own distance running, this post, I thought, held great promise—secrets revealed, myths busted, the spleen-witherin...
