old-people Page 5 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Let's All Watch <em>Around The Horn</em> Uncomfortably Discuss The Mariotti Mess
Around The Horn returned from its fortuitously timed hiatus today to finally discuss Mariotti the best way they know: with a timer and a scoring system, and by barking like trained seals....
Everybody Needs To Stop Talking About The Cubs' Future For A Few Months
After Lou Piniella announced he was retiring after last Sunday's game—fittingly, it was a blowout—the Chicago and national media started yammering on about who would replace him, and What It All Means For The Cubs. Please make it stop....
Read Bill O'Reilly Wax Uptight About '70s Porn Auteur Gerard Damiano
During the early days of disco, young scribe Bill O'Reilly scribed for the Boston Phoenix. His first article was a feature on the director of Deep Throat, giving new resonance to "Fuck it, we'll do it live." [Boston Phoenix]...
A Roundup Of Angry And Confused Emails Concerning That Bike Crash Video
Last week, I posted this video of a bike collision between an easily distracted helmet-cammed bicyclist and a jaywalking pedestrian. It proved to be fairly popular and elicited a strong reaction. Here are some emails I got....
Violent Bike Collision Has Quick, Polite Resolution
A guy riding his bike with a shoulder-mounted camera hits an old man. Words are exchanged. Disputation seems inevitable. Then both graciously agree on their mutual culpability and move on. Moral: Old people need to watch where the fuck they're going....
Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Pluto, Thinks Stephen Strasburg Is A Wuss
Bunning, onetime pitcher and current obstreperous shitbag, waggled his cane yesterday at young Strasburg: "Five-hundred twenty starts, I never refused the ball. What a joke!" Then he clutched his shoulder and cried, "My arm!" That was either sarcasm or thrombosis. [Politico, via]...
Armed Robbery Will Turn Stephen Jackson Into The NBA's Charles Bronson, Bobcats Beat Writer Thinks
The wife of Bobcats forward Stephen Jackson was held at gunpoint by home invaders, locked in a bathroom, and robbed in the couple's Charlotte home Wednesday. Trauma aside, she's fine. But don't tell that to Rick Bonnell of the Charlotte Observer....
Today In "Bryce Harper Is A No-Good Hothead"
Bryce Harper is good at baseball and he knows it. He has a reputation as a bit of a whippersnapper, though, and after getting ejected last night for making a gesture at an ump, that rep will continue to grow....
<em>Newsday</em> Sports Section Adopts Strict Policy Of Blowing Sunshine Up Your Ass
Newsday, a collection of tire ads that old people leave lying around diners in Farmingdale, is cracking down on any use of sarcasm or name-calling or "negative characterization" in its corpse of a sports section. To which I say: Brilliant idea, assholes!...
Color Me Fucking Shocked: Dick Vitale Loves Tim Tebow
You had to know Vitale would have a chubby for Tebow, the embodiment of heart. It was inevitable. The college basketball sportscaster chimes in today with an unbearable column about why Tebow should be taken high in the draft....
Jim Nantz, You Suck! Goddammit!
Nantz pronounces himself appalled at Tiger's naughty language. "How about the father and son who are standing right there by the tee? How about the hundreds of people who are around that tee who hear that?" How about you fuck yourself? [Chron.com]...
Ehhhh...Fuck Off, Dale Hansen
"That story we had earlier tonight about Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, if that's what it is (and our news director thinks it is), is yet another example of the decline of journalism as we once knew it." [WFAA]...
Crazy Old Man Gives Bills The Bird
Unfortunately, that grumpy coot just happens to be the owner of the Tennessee Titans and his affinity for the ol' double deuce is now immortalized on YouTube. If you have hands, feel free to nervously wring them....
Old People Fantasy Football Is Adorable
A Massachusetts nursing home has started a fantasy football league for its residents, to give them something to do on Sundays. If their teams are anything like mine, that "something to do" is likely "wishing for death."...
Old Folks And Steroids Is Apparently A Problem Now
PED use among our elderly athletes: are we overreacting to an appropriate degree, or could we stand to overreact even more?...
The One Good Thing About Tom Watson Losing The British Open
If there's one silver lining to Tom Watson's agonizing 2nd place finish at the British Open yesterday, it's that we are now spared from old people suddenly thinking they are somehow useful again....
Joel Przybilla's Extended Family Is Not Cool With David Stern's Stupid Fines
Portland Trailblazer Joel Przybilla was fined $7,500 for this altercation with Tyson Chandler last week. For comment on this momentous national story, the media naturally turned to the 83-year-old grandmother of Przybilla's wife....
Cubs Chase Old Man Off Their Lawn
Awhile ago we told you the story of Leo Hildebrand, the 104-year-old Cubs fan whose one big wish was to throw out the first pitch for a game at Wrigley Field. Of course he'd probably need a relay man, and a diaper change to complete the task. But still, how could the Cubs deny the only person in Chi...
Overtime and Gambling Make Wonderful Bedfellows
Since there's way too much going on in the NFL for me to get caught up in wordy prose I'm going to switch it up to a bullet point format. It's creative, it's original, and nobody's ever done it before! • Why can't our country produce fifteen people capable of providing the play-by-play for football ...