pens Page 13 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Papa, Let Your Babies Grow Up to Date Hockey Players [Canadian Ben Bernanke Update!]

Hunky Ottawa hockey player Mike Fisher proposed to Carrie Underwood early this week, breaking Drew Magary's heart/hand. Think those brunettes look jealous now? Ha, wait til they learn how much the ring cost. UPDATE! Meet the "Canadian Ben Bernanke":...

Why Are So Many Quarterbacks Kicking So Much Ass? Jamboroo, Week 9

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed....

The Summer Of Our Discontent

Pretty soon, this will all be over. No more loping around idly on Saturdays and Sundays. No more wandering outside and soaking in the sun. No more posts about the Tomatina. It's almost football season!...

American Newspapers Can't Quite Afford Wimbledon Coverage

Filip Bondy reports that only eight papers — the usuals plus, uh, the S.F. Examiner? — sent tennis correspondents overseas, and some aren't even there yet. To be fair, though, that's one reporter for every 6.375 players. [Bondy via TBL]...

YouTube: Where Enjoyable Parodies Happen

I solemnly swear never to get sick of these send-ups of the NBA's "Where Will Amazing Happen This Year?" commercials....

Once Again, Amazing Happened For The Celtics

The parody videos of the NBA's goose-bumping "Where Amazing Happens" videos are phenomenal (Teen Wolf, Hoosiers, etc.) And when something legitimately amazing happens, thankfully, YouTube genius AndrewB cobbled one together immediately after last night's amazingness....

Hey Lama, How About A Little Something, You Know, For The Effort?

I don't know jack about Buddhism or karma or any of that noise, but I do know that the Dalai Lama wearing a Patriots hat can't be good for the natural order of things....

Pat Knight Gets Some Quiet Time In The Naughty Corner

Pat Knight gets his first suspension as a head coach. Bobby says that is the proudest day in a father's life. [Associated Press]...

J.C. Romero Rises Up For [Dumb] Puerto Ricans Everywhere

This proves that J.C. Romero's hyper-excitement on the mound is not something manufactured just for his relief appearances....

Federal Judge Blocks NFL Suspensions

Have you made your NFL picks for this weekend? (Just for fun! No money, right?) You might want to hold off on a couple of those games, since a few of the rosters won't be finalized until a judge makes up his mind about the suspensions of the six players who received four-game bans for using an illeg...

NFL Suspends Six Players Under Cover Of Night

So while the rest of the sports world was preoccupied last night with sweatpants and second helpings and trading contracts (and also some things are not related to Charlie Weis) the NFL decided to hide another little nugget of fun in the 6:00 p.m. news dump. Six players—including half of the Minneso...

Red Bull and Vodka Fueled High Jumper To Be Suspended for a Year?

Last week, we brought you the story of Ivan Ukhov, the high jumper whose drunken jump has exploded on the internets. More than a million people have watched the you tube video which we've handily relinked for you below. Now comes news that mother Russia is not pleased with him. In fact, they're ang...

Sean Salisbury Has A Lot On His Mind

Sean Salisbury is at a transitional period in his life and talks rapidly — almost haphazardly — about anything that pops into his head. He's overtly defensive at times, and in our almost 2-hour phone conversation yesterday, he went through a deliberate unloading process. It was therapeutic, unhinge...

And Now For News That Isn't Fair

The gal on the left there, her name is Adriana Lima. (Just in case you wanted a name to go with the wet dream later on.) The guy on the right is some kind of basketball player named Marko Jaric. One of them has about 8½ million Google searches. The other, not even 200 grand. Hopefully Ms. Lima signs...

Hawks Exit Stage Left

The Atlanta Hawks gave their fans plenty to cheer about with three home wins against the Celtics, but they were finally finished off this afternoon. Boston continued their home dominance with 99-65 curb-stomping, although it could have been much worse. The win sends them into the second round again...

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while wondering if the new statue at Staples Center will sport fishnets... • Oscar de la Hoya vs. Steve Forbes. Check back in later tonight. [HBO] • The Detroit Pistons host the Orlando Magic in the first game of the NBA Playoff's second round. The first round should be wrapping up any...

Believe In The Flying Bracketti Monster

Everyone has their Sharpie and blank bracket, right? Okay, good. I entrust you also have your empty NIT and CBI — yeah the new 16-team tournament — brackets as well. You'll get to squiggle the teams into those little lines soon enough....

To recap: Crosby >>> Ovie [NHL]...

About Last Night

What you missed while dodging errant gunfire by Bobby Knight ... • College basketball: Take the A Train ... Ellington, North Carolina subdue Ohio State, 66-55. • NBA: Ow, my dialing finger! James injured as Pistons beat Cavaliers 109-74. • Soccer: The lads from Liverpool are still alive in the Champ...

Dice-K Has Expensive Balls (Sorry)

How much would you pay for a baseball signed by Daisuke Matsuzaka? We ask this not as theoretical. There's an actual, concrete price, and ... well, uh, it seems like a lot....