Earlier today, Portugal’s national team manager, Fernando Santos, and the country’s soccer federation president, Fernando Gomes, competed to see who could be the biggest, most tone-deaf moron when they each offered their commentary on the rape allegation attached to Cristiano Ronaldo. Not content with leaving those…

Uruguay are the masters of ugly. Their style of play is defined by lining up 11 guys who want to sprint around for 90 minutes kicking the shit out of the ball and the opposition, taking the so-called beautiful game and shoulder-barging it into the muck and grime of the pitch, and trying to emerge from the ensuing chaos…

Portugal was denied the full three points in their 1-1 draw against Iran today, thanks in massive part to a save from Iranian goalkeeper Alireza Beiranvand on a Cristiano Ronaldo penalty kick. Ronaldo, who failed to score today, was newly exposed as a massive fraud when his attempt at a powerful shot was absorbed…

Portugal beat Morocco 1-0 yesterday in what was a highly frustrating game for the Moroccans. After falling behind early, Morocco dominated most of the game but just couldn’t find the back of the net despite having numerous good chances. That frustration stuck with Morocco midfielder Nordin Amrabat after the game, when…

Cristiano Ronaldo is not “cool.” It’s a little strange because he has many of the traits commonly associated with coolness—he’s famous, successful, cocky, handsome, has a body that looks like it was carved out of marble, has dated a number of the most gorgeous women in the world, etc.—and yet the overall package is…

Portugal essentially ended Morocco’s World Cup this morning with a frustrating 1-0 win. Ronaldo scored off of a corner kick in the fourth minute, and Morocco couldn’t find the back of the net despite creating several great chances. Because Portugal are Portugal, they stalled out the end of the game with several …

Cristiano Ronaldo just played one of the best games of his life. He was outstanding throughout today’s Portugal-Spain match, holding up play like a champ, giving life to numerous counterattacks with ingenious flicks and passes, and, oh yeah, scoring three goddamn goals in what ended as a 3-3 tie. His best goal by far…

A pretty goofy first half between Portugal and Spain ended with a huge momentum swing for Portugal thanks to a giant boner from Spanish goalie David de Gea, normally one of the best shot stoppers in the world.

Real Madrid and Portugal striker Cristiano Ronaldo has reportedly settled his tax fraud charges with Spanish authorities, agreeing to pay $21.7 million, or approximately €18.7 million, to stay out of prison and receive only a suspended two-year sentence. Ronaldo’s achievement breaks the tax evasion mark set by his…

Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal won the 2016 European Championship, so they’re not not likely to make a deep push in the World Cup. Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal will likely advance out of their group, alongside Spain, and they could make it even further into the knockout rounds with some luck. But Cristiano Ronaldo…

Meet Jéssica Silva, forward for Spanish club Levante and the Portuguese national team. Last week, she made an appearance for Portugal in a Euro 2021 qualifier against Belgium. This gave her an opportunity to do what she does best, which is to absolutely ruin defenders with beautifully disgusting nutmegs:

Emanuel Santos, the sculptor of the creepy Cristiano Ronaldo bust that blessed the airport in Madeira, Portugal, has tried again. In a documentary directed by Kelly Naqui and published by Bleacher Report, Santos describes what it was like to be mocked by the entire world (he said it was hard, both he and his wife…

At one point during today’s Portugal-Netherlands friendly match, there were three Idiots On The Field who tried to share a moment with Cristiano Ronaldo. One of them went so far as to attempt to lock lips with the Portugal captain:

In the grand metaphor of life, where the ocean is the world and we are the surfer getting battered against some rocks, it’s comforting to know that there are people like Australian Ross Clarke-Jones.

Today is the USMNT’s first game back on the pitch since The Loss. From the ashes of such a debilitating defeat, the young and relatively unheralded group interim manager Dave Sarachan put out to face Portugal had a chance to win back some of the fan base’s faith. Which they did! Until they didn’t.

Porto and Benfica are the two biggest clubs in Portuguese soccer, and as such harbor a fierce rivalry. There is no step these clubs wouldn’t take in their never ending struggle to best the other. Including, according to Porto’s communications director, resorting to witchcraft.

After a lively though scoreless 120 minutes of Confederations Cup soccer between Portugal and Chile, the South Americans advanced to the final on penalty kicks thanks in part to Claudio Bravo but mostly to Portugal’s penalty takers, who were shockingly bad.

For most of the soccer world, this summer’s Confederations Cup is the first time fans will have seen the sport’s much ballyhooed instant replay system live and in action. And as anyone familiar with replay’s fundamental epistemological shortcomings could’ve predicted, the whole process blows.

Literally nothing bad to say about this. Cristiano Ronaldo did a legitimately cool thing. I’m as shocked as you.