Today is the USMNT’s first game back on the pitch since The Loss. From the ashes of such a debilitating defeat, the young and relatively unheralded group interim manager Dave Sarachan put out to face Portugal had a chance to win back some of the fan base’s faith. Which they did! Until they didn’t.
Porto and Benfica are the two biggest clubs in Portuguese soccer, and as such harbor a fierce rivalry. There is no step these clubs wouldn’t take in their never ending struggle to best the other. Including, according to Porto’s communications director, resorting to witchcraft.
After a lively though scoreless 120 minutes of Confederations Cup soccer between Portugal and Chile, the South Americans advanced to the final on penalty kicks thanks in part to Claudio Bravo but mostly to Portugal’s penalty takers, who were shockingly bad.
For most of the soccer world, this summer’s Confederations Cup is the first time fans will have seen the sport’s much ballyhooed instant replay system live and in action. And as anyone familiar with replay’s fundamental epistemological shortcomings could’ve predicted, the whole process blows.
Literally nothing bad to say about this. Cristiano Ronaldo did a legitimately cool thing. I’m as shocked as you.
We might think America’s cadre of shouty TV sports agitators is particularly impressive in a dark and horrifying kind of way, but these two guys on Portugal’s Prolongamento seem like they could bury even Stephen A. Smith under a mountain of shrieks and insults with no problem.
Well, well, would you look at this. Global icon, all-time soccer great, and technological marvel (seriously, how did they make this android so convincingly human that it takes a solid 10 minutes or so of listening to him before you realize he was “born” in an evil scientist’s underground bunker?) Cristiano Ronaldo…
Eventually, as the days become months and months become years after yesterday’s Euro 2016 final, where Portugal bested France in extra time, no one will remember that it was the poorly played—though passionate—conclusion to a tournament that itself was stuffed with teams that played like our endearing though unlovable…
It’s going to be so sad when these two grow up and are beating the shit out of each other in Euro 2024.
A Cristiano Ronaldo-less Portugal took an extra time lead against France as Éder blasted a strike past Hugo Lloris, who had been a brick wall throughout the match.
Cristiano Ronaldo was injured early in today’s Euro 2016 final against France, and after two trips to the sidelines the Portugal star has finally been removed from the match in the 24th minute.
Where Portugal and Wales failed to actualize their best selves during yesterday’s bland Euro semifinal, this enterprising teen ball boy put together a performance for the ages, one every subsequent ball boy will aspire to replicate.
Euro 2016 has kind of sucked. There haven’t been more than about four honest-to-goodness entertaining games, the over-expanded field and the resulting imbalanced matchups have given us too many teams too content to play—“play”—for 0-0 draws, and only a couple of the best teams and players have put on shows worthy of…
We’re used to seeing Cristiano Ronaldo as the picture of confidence, swaggering around the pitch with his chest all puffed and his chin to the sky. But Ronaldo is indeed human (or at least has recently underwent a software upgrade which included a new and incredibly realistic human behavior-miming module), proof of…
Yesterday’s Portugal-Poland match started in surprisingly auspicious fashion, considering it was a match between two teams with only a passing interest in doing anything fun or exciting in an effort to go out and win. Poland’s Robert Lewandowski scored the game’s first goal less than two minutes after the opening…
Today’s miserable extra time of the Poland-Portugal Euro 2016 quarterfinal became a little more spicy when an idiot on the field invaded the pitch right in the middle of a Portuguese offensive run. Tough luck, Ronaldo.
This. Goal. Is. Disgusting. Microphone-chucker Cristiano Ronaldo, desperate to deliver Portugal from the group stage of the Euros, kicked in this stupid-good one-time backheel to bring his team back level against Hungary.
So ... does this mean Cristiano Ronaldo is in fact ready for today’s big game?
Portugal only managed a draw against Austria today in Paris after Cristiano Ronaldo missed a late penalty kick; the Real Madrid superstar then was confronted after the game by an Idiot On The Field who demanded—and apparently got—a selfie with the three-time world player of the year: