portugal Page 1 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
World Cup 2022 — Group H preview: Yes, Portugal can win this and no, it won’t be pleasant if they do
Let’s get the main reason out of the way. No one outside of Portugal wants to see giant pain in the ass, huffing his own farts, twice-accused rapist Cristiano Ronaldo — who has denied the allegations — hoist the trophy. It was bad enough in 2016 when he left the final injured that he made sure every...
Portuguese Soccer Teen Absolutely Cooks A Keeper With Filthy Spin Move
If ever a soccer move deserved the Chris Berman “WHOOP!” sound, it’s the perfectly executed spin Francisca Nazareth hit the goalkeeper with before scoring Portugal’s fourth goal in a U19 friendly against Turkey. Rounding the keeper is one thing, but twirling her is something else entirely:...
England's FA Hopes Internet Shaming Will Prevent The Lads From Acting Like Absolute Knobs
The most recent instance of English lads descending on the Iberian peninsula for a soccer match ended up making international news after a Brit shoved an old man into a fountain. So it makes sense that England’s Football Association would want to stop any such debacle in its tracks as the Three Lio...
Portuguese Soccer Officials And Juventus Offer Dumbass Thoughts On Cristiano Ronaldo Rape Allegations
Earlier today, Portugal’s national team manager, Fernando Santos, and the country’s soccer federation president, Fernando Gomes, competed to see who could be the biggest, most tone-deaf moron when they each offered their commentary on the rape allegation attached to Cristiano Ronaldo. Not content wi...
Edinson Cavani Leads The Shithouse Kings Of Uruguay To Victory Over Portugal
Uruguay are the masters of ugly. Their style of play is defined by lining up 11 guys who want to sprint around for 90 minutes kicking the shit out of the ball and the opposition, taking the so-called beautiful game and shoulder-barging it into the muck and grime of the pitch, and trying to emerge fr...
Iranian Goalie Who Exposed Ronaldo As A Fraud Went From Being A Homeless Runaway To The World Freaking Cup
Portugal was denied the full three points in their 1-1 draw against Iran today, thanks in massive part to a save from Iranian goalkeeper Alireza Beiranvand on a Cristiano Ronaldo penalty kick. Ronaldo, who failed to score today, was newly exposed as a massive fraud when his attempt at a powerful sho...
World Cup Referee Swears He Didn't Ask Ronaldo For His Shirt
Portugal beat Morocco 1-0 yesterday in what was a highly frustrating game for the Moroccans. After falling behind early, Morocco dominated most of the game but just couldn’t find the back of the net despite having numerous good chances. That frustration stuck with Morocco midfielder Nordin Amrabat a...
Cristiano Ronaldo's New Goal Celebration Makes Him Look Like A Big Dweeb
Cristiano Ronaldo is not “cool.” It’s a little strange because he has many of the traits commonly associated with coolness—he’s famous, successful, cocky, handsome, has a body that looks like it was carved out of marble, has dated a number of the most gorgeous women in the world, etc.—and yet the ov...
Here It Is, The World Cup's Greatest And Most Shameless Dive
Portugal essentially ended Morocco’s World Cup this morning with a frustrating 1-0 win. Ronaldo scored off of a corner kick in the fourth minute, and Morocco couldn’t find the back of the net despite creating several great chances. Because Portugal are Portugal, they stalled out the end of the game ...
Cristiano Ronaldo Caps Incredible Game With Incredible Hat-Trick Free-Kick Goal
Cristiano Ronaldo just played one of the best games of his life. He was outstanding throughout today’s Portugal-Spain match, holding up play like a champ, giving life to numerous counterattacks with ingenious flicks and passes, and, oh yeah, scoring three goddamn goals in what ended as a 3-3 tie. Hi...
Ugly Boner Gifts Ronaldo His Second Goal Of The World Cup
A pretty goofy first half between Portugal and Spain ended with a huge momentum swing for Portugal thanks to a giant boner from Spanish goalie David de Gea, normally one of the best shot stoppers in the world....
Cristiano Ronaldo Beats Lionel Messi (At Tax Evasion)
Real Madrid and Portugal striker Cristiano Ronaldo has reportedly settled his tax fraud charges with Spanish authorities, agreeing to pay $21.7 million, or approximately €18.7 million, to stay out of prison and receive only a suspended two-year sentence. Ronaldo’s achievement breaks the tax evasion...
Cristiano Ronaldo And The People He Shares His Country With Will Not Win The World Cup
Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal won the 2016 European Championship, so they’re not not likely to make a deep push in the World Cup. Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal will likely advance out of their group, alongside Spain, and they could make it even further into the knockout rounds with some luck. But ...
Portugal Forward Jéssica Silva Is The Queen Of Filthy Nutmegs
Meet Jéssica Silva, forward for Spanish club Levante and the Portuguese national team. Last week, she made an appearance for Portugal in a Euro 2021 qualifier against Belgium. This gave her an opportunity to do what she does best, which is to absolutely ruin defenders with beautifully disgusting nut...
The Guy Who Made That Hideous Ronaldo Bust Made A Better One
Emanuel Santos, the sculptor of the creepy Cristiano Ronaldo bust that blessed the airport in Madeira, Portugal, has tried again. In a documentary directed by Kelly Naqui and published by Bleacher Report, Santos describes what it was like to be mocked by the entire world (he said it was hard, both h...
Four Idiots On The Field Invade Portugal Match; One Tries To Kiss Cristiano Ronaldo
At one point during today’s Portugal-Netherlands friendly match, there were three Idiots On The Field who tried to share a moment with Cristiano Ronaldo. One of them went so far as to attempt to lock lips with the Portugal captain:...
I Hope To Be Like This Surfer And Survive Life's Batterings
In the grand metaphor of life, where the ocean is the world and we are the surfer getting battered against some rocks, it’s comforting to know that there are people like Australian Ross Clarke-Jones. ...
The USMNT's Newest Teen Sensation Provides Hope, Teammate Snatches It Away
Today is the USMNT’s first game back on the pitch since The Loss. From the ashes of such a debilitating defeat, the young and relatively unheralded group interim manager Dave Sarachan put out to face Portugal had a chance to win back some of the fan base’s faith. Which they did! Until they didn’t....
The Best Soccer Story Is This Portuguese Team Accusing A Rival Of Hiring Witch Doctor
Porto and Benfica are the two biggest clubs in Portuguese soccer, and as such harbor a fierce rivalry. There is no step these clubs wouldn’t take in their never ending struggle to best the other. Including, according to Porto’s communications director, resorting to witchcraft....
Portugal's Horrendous Penalty Shootout Performance Sends Chile To Confed Cup Final
After a lively though scoreless 120 minutes of Confederations Cup soccer between Portugal and Chile, the South Americans advanced to the final on penalty kicks thanks in part to Claudio Bravo but mostly to Portugal’s penalty takers, who were shockingly bad....