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What ESPN Will Be Talking About Today: Herm Edwards Has A Lot of Yelling To Catch Up On
We condense your morning SportsCenter to its essence....

Ric Flair Is Threatening To Sue Grantland Over "Falsehoods" In Their Story, Even Though The "Falsehoods" Came From Flair's Book
WOOOO, boy. TMZ reports that Ric Flair, noted pro wrestler, is weighing his legal options against Grantland, Bill Simmons' sports-prose panacea, after the site published a long piece this week by Shane Ryan on Flair's legal trouble. ...

David Price Has 12 K's Through Five Innings Against The Blue Jays. You Should Probably Watch.
Via ESPN Stats & Info: "David Price: 12 K through 5 IP. That matches what Clemens had through 5 IP in each of his two 20-K 9-IP games and 1 more than Wood thru 5 IP."...

Johan Santana Wants To Seal The Testimony In His Ongoing Sexual Assault Lawsuit
New York Mets pitcher Johan Santana—forgive us if you didn't need that detail, but Santana hasn't pitched since the middle of last season—was accused last year of sexual assault on a golf course in October 2009. The woman said Santana approached her and raped her, as she was pleading with him to sto...

Hookers: A Deadspin Econometric Investigation
Reader "Steve Dildo" has alerted us to the client list of the "Desert Divas," an Arizona prostitution ring that was busted three years back. Mr. Dildo was most interested in the presence of a "Kevin Pitsoogle" on the list, but we've determined that this name is fake, unconnected to the similarly nam...

What ESPN Will Be Talking About Today: Vick, Yankees, And Other Things You Rarely Hear About
We condense your morning SportsCenter to its essence....

The 2011 Hater's Guide To Fantasy Football (NFC)
In case you missed it, here was the AFC preview. Now it’s time for Andy Behrens and I to take on the NFC. Off we go. ...

Player Reacts To Getting Red Carded In Uruguay By Pimp-Slapping The Linesman
In a recent Uruguayan Primera Division match between the mighty Montevideo Wanderers and Danubio, Brazilian striker Diogo was issued a red card for kicking a foe, etc. Fair enough. However, Diogo apparently didn't take to kindly to somethingorother the "humble" linesman did, so Diogo give 'im a sm...

Today In Utterly Predictable Ledes
Former New York Mets star Lenny Dykstra was charged on Thursday with exposing himself to a string of women who answered his Craigslist employment ads, Los Angeles city prosecutors said on Thursday. [Reuters]...

Your NFL Preseason Football Open Thread
Three games tonight. Carolina visits Cincinnati at 7 p.m. eastern. Cleveland heads to Philly a half hour later. And, Washington plays in Baltimore at 8 p.m....

32 Paragraphs About 32 NFL Teams From The 2011 Football Outsiders Almanac
The following is excerpted from the team chapters of the always-excellent Football Outsiders almanac. Buy the PDF for $12 or order the book for $21.95....

Dwyane Wade Tweeted That He Did Not Have A Thing With Lauren London, His Publicist Tells Us
You may have read in yesterday's Shaq email dump, courtesy of the Miami New Times, that Shaq didn't want any part of actress Lauren London (pictured at right) because she was Dwyane Wade's girl....

The 2011 Hater's Guide To Fantasy Football (AFC)
Every year, I do a fantasy football preview with Andy Behrens of Yahoo. We usually do this as a podcast, but my equipment crapped out this year and so you get a written preview instead. So let’s get right to it. As always, the goal of Behrens and me is to give you as much relevant information about ...

What ESPN Will Be Talking About Today: Authorities Investigate LSU QB, LSU Investigates Other QB Options
We condense your morning SportsCenter to its essence....

If You Have To Get Arrested, Driving While Drinking A Beer And Receiving Oral Sex Isn't A Bad Way To Go
Thanks to The Smoking Gun, we can all meet George Howard, a Kentucky man arrested this morning for some shenanigans involving a 2006 Ford on the outskirts of Louisville. Johnny Law intervened after seeing Howard's ride allegedly collide with a curb....

Samir Nasri Will Not Score Until April
City closed the deal with their 40 million dollar man today, and to celebrate, they had EA Sports put together an image of Nasri scoring his first goal, using the upcoming FIFA 12. Nasri appears to have slipped past Vidic and a very out-of-position Rooney, and City fans probably cannot wait for this...

Samuel Eto'o Will Leave Inter Milan For Obscure Russian Club (And Billions Of Rubles)
Samuel Eto'o, the 30-year-old Cameroonian soccer player, is leaving the glitz and prestige of Serie A's Inter Milan to play "for an obscure club in the violence-wracked Caucasus region of Dagestan, Russia." From Milan, one of the world's fashion capitals, to Dagestan: the land of the mountains. This...

What ESPN Will Be Talking About Today: Special Playmaker Chris Johnson Makes Special Plays, Needs Money
A new feature in which we condense your morning SportsCenter to its essence....

Maryland Football Players Will Dress In Whatever Clown Suit Under Armour Tells Them To
These new uniforms are the work of Under Armour. In their combinatoric ugliness, they are seemingly modeled on Nike's gear for Oregon, which is to say the uniforms are there to turn a bunch of under-compensated college kids into dress-up dollies modeling whatever hideous new breathable wear the comp...

What ESPN Will Be Talking About Today: The Win Is Fake, But The Injuries Are Real
A new feature in which we condense your morning SportsCenter to its essence....