I've reached my tipping point with Jerry Seinfeld. It happened today, with this endless New York Times writeup that no one asked for, which includes the following caption:

Christmas is four days away. I know this because my kids have been counting down the days since, I dunno, LAST goddamn Christmas. Children have boring lives. They have to go to school all day. They have to listen to adults tell them what to do. They can't watch porn. It blows. Christmas is one of the few bright spots…

I don't know who invented the phrase "Turn in your man card," but whoever it is should be taken out in the street and have his balls stomped on by a fucking marching band. Every Sunday, I'm now subjected to some goddamn Miller Lite ad where the guys in it are like, "ZOMG! You're drinking a generic light beer? YOU'RE…

The coming return of the NFL means it's time for yet another season of ESPN columnist and Christian Mr. Spock Greggggg Easterbrook writing 50,000 words about how smart he is and how stupid and ungrateful the rest of the world is. And, as a bonus this season, Easterbrook is now really old and out of it!

The night before I got married, my parents hosted a rehearsal dinner at a restaurant in DC. They rented out one of the side rooms for the dinner, and the event room had its own set of bathrooms separate from the restaurant's main pissers. So before the dinner, my dad went into the men's room and placed, by the sink, a…

If you missed last night's schaudenfreudegasm with LeBron and the Heat getting lane-raped by J.J. Barea for 48 minutes, oh how you missed out. There hasn't been a more gratifying moment for sports haters since the Saints beat Favre and Manning back-to-back in the NFC title game and Super Bowl. It was glorious,…

We've all had a good laugh about Anthony Weiner using his Twitter account to show the world that white Congressmen can have surprisingly decent-sized cocks. And we here at Deadspin have gotten a great deal of mileage out of men who, in fit of passion, decided to take pictures of their dicks and send them out into the…

Grantland Rice was everything his namesake website should aspire not to be. He was a pandering mythmaker who wrote verse and prose the way Thomas Kinkade paints carriage lanes ("The Hills of Fame still beckon where the Paths of Glory lead …"). Reading him today is not unlike looking at your maiden aunt's collection of…

Last night, the Miami Heat ended the Eastern Conference Finals with a 19-4 run in under four minutes to beat the Chicago Bulls in five games. If you were fortunate or unfortunate enough — I haven't decided which it is for me — to have watched the entire game, then you would have witnessed equal parts masterful…

Memorial Day weekend is coming to mark the start of summer, and once again I find myself confronted with assholes all over the place telling me I can't wear shorts. First there's designer Tom Ford:

Yesterday I had to go to a Verizon Wireless store to get the numbers from my old phone transferred over to a phone I had just purchased. (Not an iPhone. Fuck you for owning one, Mr. I Can Afford A Data Plan.) And after 15 minutes in that fucking store, I can now say, without hyperbole, that Verizon Wireless store…